How to mention birthday contribution to DIL without sounding reproachful

[ElectricFairyNow]

WWYD? It was a big birthday for our DIL a few weeks ago. She is a delightful young woman and we get on well. We asked our DS what she'd like for a birthday present, and he suggested a contribution to the activities he'd arranged for the day (all interesting ones), so we happily transferred £100. We've also got her a smaller present, which we'll hand over tomorrow when we'll see them both, as just sending money seems a bit impersonal. The dilemma is this: we heard nothing after sending the money (to our son) and I think it's possible that he just didn't think to tell her that we'd paid for part of the day. I don't want or need thanks, but I would hate to think that our DIL would imagine that we just hadn't bothered about her big birthday. I don't want to say anything to her that could be understood as a reproach, but I really want her to know that we did send her a present! I'm thinking of handing over the small gift and saying something like 'Obviously, the actual present was the contribution to your day, but this is just something to keep'. Or some such thing. What would you do?

I’d probably ask your son and just check that he told her that you’d contributed to the day, not great of him if he hasn’t mentioned it and not great of her if he has and she hasn’t said thank you!

I would say just what you thought of. You could combine it by asking how it all went and if they have pictures.
I think it is important that she knows you contributed to her day.

You need to make sure your son told her you paid for a certain activity

Breezy comment, here's your second present! Did you enjoy the activity?

I think your son has been really cheeky here asking you to contribute to activities you weren't even taking part in! £100 is a crazy amount for an in-law's birthday, but yes, you should definitely let her know that was the main gift. Otherwise she will just think it's what you hand over.

I'm starting think that their generation has zero manners

Only way to do it gracefully! Either she or your son lacks manners, this will help you figure out which. 🫣

Yes
the activity we paid for!!!!!

I'd say the example you used. That sounds good.

I'm not sure that will work - if it's the scenario where the DS didn't mention the contribution, the DIL might well be a bit like 'hmm, did she say second present? Was that a slip of the tongue? Is she losing it, she didn't give me any other presents? Is this early onset senility? Oh well she's being very breezy, I shouldn't draw attention to her mistake' and continue brightly chatting about the activity. And in the second scenario where she did know about it but is a CF who wasn't planning on thanking the OP or even mentioning the generous gift, she will just also continue chatting breezily about the activity. So OP won't be any the wiser. Or the third scenario where she invented to thank the OP politely but it had someone slipped her mind or there's some other unknown factor you risk mortifying her or escalating a conflict by coming across so pass-agg.

I'd go with quietly asking your DS in private whether he had mentioned it as you hadn't heard from her, this gives them both an out if one or the other did genuinely forget, or otherwise gives you your answer if she then continues to keep quiet about it on the day...

Yes this!

£100 for a daughter in law? How’s that crazy?! She’s hardly a random.

Just check with your son and say ‘I’m only asking as I’ve realised if you forgot to mention she’d think we’d not sent her anything!’

I think your son needs to tell her . If you mention it it looks like you are fishing for thanks and awkward . If no-one mentions it then she’ll think you only got her a tiny gift . Tbh I would never have agreed to such an arrangement. It sounds more beneficial to your son than your DIL .

I agree . £100 for a special birthday is not much at all .

Ask your son

Some people consider a DIL equal to a son, or a SIL equal to a daughter

My thought was that he was just going to take credit for paying for the whole thing because he's expecting that his mom will be too uncomfortable to say anything. OP make sure you let her know that you paid towards her activities so she doesn't feel like you don't care about her birthday. Your son was trying to pull a fast one it seems like

"come and tell me all about X activity, can't wait to hear about it and we were so pleased to be able to contribute to your special day"

Maybe she will thank you face to face tomorrow

I think what you thought of is good! What you said and "did you have a good time?" 😊

I think if you go to your son, it's more awkward him then asking DIL "did you not thank my parents for their contribution?" Yikes. Better to be direct and breezy with it - maybe she was thinking to thank you in person?

Well, my MIL thought it was a special birthday for me this year, (it’s in fact next year) and I got…a card as usual, sooooo…

I'd specifically ask my son whether he did 'remember' to tell her about my contribution, and probably put something in the card/gift tag of her smaller gift, about how I hope she enjoyed the 'main' present from us all.

I think surely you should leave DIL out of it and, instead, say in private to your son, “you did tell Sandra that we’d helped plan the activities for you, didn’t you?” Because if he didn’t mention it then you have given HIM the present, not her.

Just message your son 'did you tell her we paid for a specific activity? Tell me which one please so we can ask her about it tomorrow'.
He has probably told her you contributed, and she is probably waiting until she sees you tomorrow to say thank you.