What type of counsellor could help me manage difficult male relatives?

[ExhaustedFrazzledBeaten]

My DH has suggested that I have some counselling and if he is saying this, believe me I must need it.

I am exhausted, frazzled and beaten by the men in my blood family. I am the last blood female (mum, all aunts, cousins, grandparents are all gone) and I am just worn down by them. I am talking about the ones who are divorced or widowed. Since they have no wife to soak up their behaviour, they default to me, and believe me their behaviour is awful.

People have told me just not to listen, ignore them etc. but it is not that simple. I want to, but I am finding it hard.

Someone once told me that they "mither me to death" and I think this is a good description. I have always thought deep down that the men in my family have had a major hand in the deaths of my female relatives, as in they were treated very badly, and I am really scared that I am going to end up the same way. I thought this is an irrational thing to say, but my DH actually agrees.

I would like to go for some counselling to help me navigate my relationship with blood family, whether that be coping techniques, or helping me to go NC with them because they are affecting my MH and my relationship with my DH and DC.

To avoid picking the wrong kind, can you tell me what kind of counsellor should I be looking for?

I so don’t really understand what their ‘mithering’ consists of and why they have so much access to you to do all this mithering 🤷‍♀️ Do you live with them?

it would help if you told us who these people are - dad, grandad, brother, uncle?

a counsellor will hopefully help you to see that you do have agency here. You can choose not to answer the phone, or respond to the voicemail. You can choose to say sorry, got to go and hang up.

Dad, brothers, cousin.

You cannot change them. You can only change how you react to them and how much you make yourself available to them.

You actually don't have to do anything for any of them. Remember that.

I think you get panicky about their emotions and take them on as if they are something for you to fix or at least reassure them about.
You are burnt out and none of them really care
They just think it's your duty to them but they don't have a sense of duty towards you.

You won't be able to get them to agree to stop overexploiting your kindness, because why would they?
You have to stop being available.
They are emotionally blackmailing you and you have your own stuff going on.
They have burnt you out and disrespected you just like they have done to other women in your family. Break the chain! Go incommunicado for a while. Not. Your. Problem.

all contact was ceased 5 years and honestly on the whole I feel so much better . Now and then I feel sad but not often. You don’t need people like this in your life.

" A few years ago one threatened to cut me off from the family."

So let this happen, and BLOCK THEM

Block them.

What’s stopping you from blocking them?

What would lower contact look like, for you?

I know it's had a bit of backlash recently, but I agree with PP who suggested the Let Them approach. They are who they are, you can't fix them, but you do not need to put up with it. Let them be angry, annoyed, disappointed that you won't do what they want. They don't care about what their actions are doing to you.

Being cut off the family would be a blessing, not a punishment.

I presume that it's your dad who is contantly calling to complain and either your brothers or uncles trying to guilt trip you into buying into his nonsense.

Cut yourself off first. They bring nothing positive to your life and they are all nasty bullies. You have a nice husband and your own children. They are your priority, not your demanding father who had loads of affairs and made your mum's life a misery.

Block them or change your number and then welcome the peace and quiet.

Family relationships are at the heart of pretty much all counselling. They would often be discussed even if the problem didn't seem directly linked. So I'd say any accredited and well reviewed counsellor would be able to help navigate this.

I know what you mean as I have only male family apart from my mum. My cousins all have wives which does dilute them. But it means they want little to no contact with me as I have no useful purpose to them. They think I'm a pointless loser. Try texting and get blanked or just the thumbs up. So it's a bit different but still dysfunctional.

I hope you can learn to distance yourself from them. They are not owed your time or your help. Concentrate on people in your life who bring you joy.

@ExhaustedFrazzledBeaten I do not think your circumstances or those of your family are unique. Anyone who finds themselves becoming the default person looking after an elderly relative can relate to what you are saying.
My father could not understand why I could not give up my job, and my life when my mother died and just move in to look after him. He was fit, well and an awkward bugger and went on to live another 24 years.
So while I batch cooked him food etc, I set boundaries.
No I would not visit more than every 2 weeks (obviously this increased when he was ill), if he started moaning and criticizing me on the phone - I just said "I have got to go now"
I insisted on him accepting getting a cleaner, accepted online grocery deliveries, and later on carers.
Make yourself a list of what you are prepared to do, listen to, etc and stick to it for your self and your family.
I am sure you already know this- but if you want to pay a therapist to tell you it then knock yourself out.
The only person that can set boundaries is you.
If your other male relatives are not in some way disabled tell your brother

1. you are not responsible for looking after them
2. they need to take on some of the burden of looking after your father.

If your father moans to you suggest he calls your brothers
If you brother moan to you suggest they call your father.

You sound more deranged than them tbh. Why aren’t they all blocked? Can you explain?

There are helpful ways of speaking to an OP who is stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) when dealing with difficult and bullying relative and calling her 'deranged' isn't one of them.

Nice victim blaming there

Indeed

Can you explain your lack of comprehension about difficult families and how it can be difficult to unlearn decades of behaviour?

From one to another, I'd say build up your support network a bit and speak about it with others outside the situation a bit more, as they have a fresh take which can help you see that this isn't and should not be the norm. I've been dealing with this for years and it's only in my 30s I'm starting to get better at setting boundaries and prioritising my own health and wellbeing. 1 male relative no contact, 2 I see extremely rarely and I don't take their calls. This is after years of them dragging me into toxic situations and drama, bringing no positives to my life. I now look at my relationships on a 'scale' and take a moment to consider whether they bring more positives or negatives to my life and if the scales are way off to the negative, then I have little if any contact.

I'm about to go back for another round of therapy after one of them made my life very difficult after a bereavement - vile behaviour which I will not tolerate, past me would have accepted it though.

Bottom line - would you tolerate this behaviour from a friend? Or are you doing what I did and allowing all kinds of bad behaviour because you share DNA. I've made a fresh start - early days but working on it - ppl do not get a seat at my table anymore just because they're related to me. I expect relationships built on love and respect, end of. No free pass for relatives.

Believe me, they're not having therapy about you. They're not worrying about how to cope with you. That part is a one way street. They have no intention of changing, so the change needs to come from you ❤️ shift the conversation to refocus on a good life for you and your hubby, you deserve it x

Why don’t you just block them? They add nothing to your life and you have no boundaries with them.