What type of counsellor could help me manage difficult male relatives?

[ExhaustedFrazzledBeaten]

My DH has suggested that I have some counselling and if he is saying this, believe me I must need it.

I am exhausted, frazzled and beaten by the men in my blood family. I am the last blood female (mum, all aunts, cousins, grandparents are all gone) and I am just worn down by them. I am talking about the ones who are divorced or widowed. Since they have no wife to soak up their behaviour, they default to me, and believe me their behaviour is awful.

People have told me just not to listen, ignore them etc. but it is not that simple. I want to, but I am finding it hard.

Someone once told me that they "mither me to death" and I think this is a good description. I have always thought deep down that the men in my family have had a major hand in the deaths of my female relatives, as in they were treated very badly, and I am really scared that I am going to end up the same way. I thought this is an irrational thing to say, but my DH actually agrees.

I would like to go for some counselling to help me navigate my relationship with blood family, whether that be coping techniques, or helping me to go NC with them because they are affecting my MH and my relationship with my DH and DC.

To avoid picking the wrong kind, can you tell me what kind of counsellor should I be looking for?

I would honestly block all of these men. Block, block block.

You don’t need a counsellor. Just block these leeches from your phone. Job done.

If you continue to allow this nonsense then you’re just a martyr.

...or moan to each other eh?

You are buying into the sexist family culture. Perhaps you need to think a bit more about feminism and women's liberation, and apply it to yourself 💪💪

Have an initial chat with at least three counsellors. They are all very different. You want one whose input resonates with you. Think of it like buying shoes: if they don’t fit you won’t walk far 🤣.

I’m no contact with all my male relatives except my nephew who is a child.

Highly recommended. Good luck OP.

Mither is a fine, Northern word much used by my beloved late nanna ☺️

I did end up speaking to the main one again because they left me voicemails crying.
So what if he was crying? Why is that your problem?
You know it was just manipulation and blackmail, right?

I did call them back, but once again I did say I need space and a break.
Do you think for one minute that they are going to respect what you said and give you that space and a break?
Of course not.

You don't enforce boundaries by

1. giving in to crying
2. or politely asking for them to respect you

You enforce boundaries, i.e. protect yourself, by blocking them on your phone.

You are not responsible for how they feel. Just stop responding to them. By calling them back you are literally inviting them to give you more grief.

Are you living with these relatives? If yes, move out. If you don't live with them then tell them you're going away for a few weeks and after that time has passed just stop being available to them.

Also, what are they actually doing? I'm finding your situation really difficult to understand because I cant understand how/why you're in it. It all seems so bizarre.

But again, you are choosing to engage. Their emotions are not your problem. You don’t have to solve them or manage them because you’re a woman. You are choosing to engage allow them to shout/cry at you. There’s a very easy way to stop it.

You need a counsellor - but not to help you deal with these men. They are just collateral. You need to talk about finding out the truth about your mum. It might be that residual feelings about her are what is tying you to these men.

Are these close male relatives like brother, Dad or Uncles and cousins? If the former then tough conversation and step back. If the latter then block and sort your own life. It didn’t go tits up , it went how it should have gone. They now know you are not helping, they are upset and reacted, you now hold the line. They work out other coping strategies. Stop being available.

Ignore the lot of them and block their numbers/social media, WhatsApp etc. That should give you the space, and if you hear via other people that they are turning on the emotional blackmail then continue to just ignore them.

Keep pursuing the counselling. You can usually self refer to the list on the BACP website.

Ok some examples;

Their health. Despite having nothing wrong with them, constant complaining about a minor age related ailment, anger about doctors not returning calls, ranting about how they’ve told the GP surgery it’s not good enough and they want an appointment now. Basically a massive rant.

That they’ve seen no one that day. Their kids don’t care. They’re sick of the lot of us. Hopes they go to bed and don’t wake up. Refuses to answer phone, pretends something has happened to them.

Something that has happened in the news. How this country has gone to the dogs. Basically a Reform voting mega rant.

Other male relatives calling me up to tell me I’ve got to deal with the above as they’ve got their own problems, and getting angry/ threatening with me if I don’t. A few years ago one threatened to cut me off from the family.

But what exactly do they expect you to DO? Unless you're Prime Minister, the lack of healthcare and the voting proclivities of others are nothing to do with you. Neither is the lack of other people visiting.

None of this is your problem and they can't realistically, expect you to sort them. They just want someone to listen to them moan. It's not your job.

But again, OP, not answering the phone to these people takes care of all of that. Those things are not your problem.

Your mindset is the real issue here. You clearly do believe, to your own disadvantage, that these men’s problems are yours to solve because you think, bafflingly, that it’s a woman’s job to deal with disregulated, angry, unhappy men. Something has led you to believe this, and you won’t listen to reason because you’re brainwashed.

This is what a therapist would be working on with you, to get you to see that this is a matter of letting other people manage their own emotions.

You don’t need a counsellor to navigate any of that? I don’t understand how you got to this stage where someone phoning to say the sr hasn’t called them back has prompted you to think you need therapy?

You do not need to deal with any of this and I think you need some form of therapy urgently to figure out why you feel you do.

When he refuses to answer the phone then how is that an issue? Why are you calling them?

Repeating myself to say I’d block the lot of them. And it’s free! So not only would you take a huge load off your time and energy from dealing with them but you’d save money too!

My male blood relatives are abusive, narcissistic and misogynistic. I manage them by staying away from them.

I work with and am friends with tonnes of great men and have a fabulous husband so I completely realise this is on them and they don’t represent all men.

I have a great life so it is incredibly effective.

Could you do something like that?

They can rant all they like, but you're not obliged to listen. What can they threaten you with? Cutting you off from the family? It sounds like it would be a blessing.

I think you need help and support in drawing and sticking to those boundaries, and simply caring less what these family members think. Let them rant and stew; you are not available as an audience for their opinions.

OP you sound like what you’re seeking is advice / assistance rather than therapy.
Life coach would be best, rather than a counsellor / therapist. Unless you feel you’re unwell / something wrong with you.

I recommend you read the book Educated by Tara Westover. I think if you find yourself identifying with the author you will start to see why getting away can be the only option.

From my experience in these men’s minds women are meant to silently put up with all kinds of abuse. Women are there to meet their needs, soothe their emotions and they are not seen as people in their own right.

You cannot change another persons mindset. You have to change yourself and rework your conditioning.

My grandfather was like this. His wife died of cancer and then he became a leech on his daughter. His daughter, my lovely aunt, died of cancer far too young leaving her children and husband far too soon. Then he went to live with my parents and I sincerely feared for my mum’s life. At least there was only one of him.

my parents had an arrangement where as far as possible he was my dads problem. He really tried to foist all his crap on my mum and suck the life out of her but my dad did his best to put himself in between them.

at least there was only one of him and at least my mum had my dad. Hes dead now and she’s alive.

op get away. Your counsellor must NOT be the kind who always wants you to “reframe” things. The objective is not to deal with this but to be coached to get away from it.