What type of counsellor could help me manage difficult male relatives?

[ExhaustedFrazzledBeaten]

My DH has suggested that I have some counselling and if he is saying this, believe me I must need it.

I am exhausted, frazzled and beaten by the men in my blood family. I am the last blood female (mum, all aunts, cousins, grandparents are all gone) and I am just worn down by them. I am talking about the ones who are divorced or widowed. Since they have no wife to soak up their behaviour, they default to me, and believe me their behaviour is awful.

People have told me just not to listen, ignore them etc. but it is not that simple. I want to, but I am finding it hard.

Someone once told me that they "mither me to death" and I think this is a good description. I have always thought deep down that the men in my family have had a major hand in the deaths of my female relatives, as in they were treated very badly, and I am really scared that I am going to end up the same way. I thought this is an irrational thing to say, but my DH actually agrees.

I would like to go for some counselling to help me navigate my relationship with blood family, whether that be coping techniques, or helping me to go NC with them because they are affecting my MH and my relationship with my DH and DC.

To avoid picking the wrong kind, can you tell me what kind of counsellor should I be looking for?

It's not gone tits up, it's gone to plan.

You've not done what they wanted. They've realised.
It's fine.

You can delete the messages without listening to/reading them if you want. 9r you can ignore them. Or you dan look not them for 5 minutes on z Tuesday afternoon. It's your life phone, you can do what you want!

They'll probably be cross, because they are cross.

So let them be angry. Who cares? Block them.

All sorts of weirdness going on here, from everyone involved.
Whilst these unspecified male relatives’ pathetic arseholey behaviour is not ok, it has not caused the cancers and deaths of their female relatives. That’s not how cancer works. ‘Mithered to death’ is not a thing - it’s an expression only.

Do you perhaps have health anxiety? Just a hunch I get. You’ve mentioned these deaths a few times, and seem to be quite anxious that death will come for you too if you allow this boundary-crossing.

Also, I’m wondering if you possibly ruminate / catastrophise a bit, especially when triggered by what you feel to be these basically carcinogenic relatives. There sounds to have been an awful lot of drama / high levels of expressed emotion in your family, and that’s not probably only limited to these male relatives. You’re engaging in these issues in quite a dramatic fashion yourself - as belied in your posts. So I’m wondering if you might benefit from some life coaching around boundaries. It doesn’t sound like a counselling type scenario - unless you feel you have mental and emotional health issues of your own which you’d benefit from counselling for?

You can just block them - phone, text social media. You can always unblock them if you feel like it later. Can your sh deal with them? Or should he block them too? How likely are they to turn up on your doorstep?

Yes. OP. You’re borrowing other people’s trouble. You don’t have to listen to someone sounding off at you. You can delete voice messages and not pick up the phone. It’s a choice to engage with angry people.

Deploy your DH.

Your initial post seems to indicate that he is supportive and a good 'un.

You now have an emergency and need to put yourself first.

So text the Toxic Twats that you have a medical problem and need them to stop mithering you while you sort it.

Then block them.

Have your DH run interference. He can text them with a message telling them to back off for now.

Do you think that would buy you a respite period?

Can you give examples of their behaviours? I've never heard the word "mither" before 🤔.

Why are they putting you so centrally in their lives?

Mither is another way of saying bother or nuisance. My mum used to say things like ‘ this hot weather is mithering me’

this is the definition of mither.

It's not gone tits up, this is just what happens predictably when you try to set a boundary with someone who has no regard for boundaries. It will send them into an initial rampage, you need to hold firm, it will pass.

It's important that you don't waver and go back on your word under their pressure, this will reinforce their behaviour and next time they'll go harder for longer expecting you to crack.

They much prefer you biddable and available. They don't like the opposite and will try every trick in the book to restore the old status quo, you need to hold fast until they run out of steam. They will.

Any decent therapist will be able to help you navigate this.

I agree somewhat with @ParmesanRealignment
You do seem quite convinced in your posts that these men have caused illness and death which does seem unlikely

You absolutely need to find your boundaries.
You can’t change others behaviour, only how you react to it.

Where I come from (North Wales) it was used to describe someone being pestered with demands for their attention.

Lile a toddler continually doing the "mum what's a hephalump mum why is there a cat in the garden mum who'svthecqueen".

Or an adult "where's the sugar bowl when are we seeing Dave next why are you igniring me".

It’s very simple. You send one text to all of them saying you have your own issues you will be focusing on for the next year. They can all support each other and they are not to bother you

then block them

Totally agree with this.

It was predictable and you need to hold firm OP. Just calming repeat what you’ve said, if you need to and carry on.

Have you booked in with a therapist yet?

Whilst I meant what I said, I did end up speaking to the main one again because they left me voicemails crying.

I did call them back, but once again I did say I need space and a break.

I do know that getting cancer or having a heart attack is not directly caused by another person, but if you are from a generation and culture that doesn’t divorce, and you live daily with affairs, verbal abuse and other poor behaviour the. It does affect your mental and physical health and your outcome,

Why is it me? As mentioned I’m the only woman left. There’s no blood relative above, below or beside me. They are either widowed or single. If they have a problem or just want a moan, they think it’s my job to make myself available and it’s daily.

I wouldn’t get my gentle DH involved as I think if he did, he’d get a punch in the face.

Just block their numbers...

So what?

This needs to be your new mantra.

If you called the main one because of a tearful voicemail (FFS)then you've simply given them.power to keep doing it to you. So he cried? So what?
Your new MANtra.

Why is it me? As mentioned I’m the only woman left. There’s no blood relative above, below or beside me. They are either widowed or single. If they have a problem or just want a moan, they think it’s my job to make myself available and it’s daily.You don't have to buy into that sexist crap. Boundaries, OP. I wouldn’t get my gentle DH involved as I think if he did, he’d get a punch in the faceYou certainly don't owe your time and energies to violent abusive male relatives.

Block this person/persons.
That is the only way to stop them pestering you.
Block them on everything, texts, phone calls, social media.
Then concentrate on your immediate family and friends.
If you can, go out for the day with your dh and children.
Start focusing on what brings you happiness.
As long as you keep these toxic men blocked, they will start to take up less if your time and thoughts.
They are not of any benefit to you,
Then, if you still feel like you need it, seek counselling for yourself.
I can’t recommend which specific type, you would have to research that.

Them putting on the water works is just emotional blackmail..... Just wait...it will be "I'm gonna kill myself" next.

But if you block them, they can't threaten you like that.

I would add to 'so what ' that you should indeed pursue counselling, probably to talk through grief as much as anything.
I suspect it would help you enormously to talk through the deaths of the women in your family and how it all came about in relation to the men in your family. I wish you well and good luck.

Also OP, look up “Flying Monkeys”. My DM used to employ this tactic on me. She doesn’t anymore thank god as I think her “Flying Monkeys” have got wise to her a abusive ways.

I think counselling would help you make sense of these awful toxic patterns, and also support you in setting some boundaries. You've already started that, and you're getting pushback. That means it's working.

These men don't get to tell you what to do. Block them if they only bring trouble to your life.

Let them cry OP. They are grown adults. You have your own stuff to deal with. If they are unhappy, they can find a counsellor too.