Husband leaves after every argument

[Maya205]

Hi everyone every time my husband and I get into a big argument he packs his bags and leaves the house. He usually goes to his parents, (once to a hotel) but usually tries to come back a few hours later. We have 2 kids and I’m just so tired of this immature behaviour. Has anyone else experienced this? Also how to deal with it? Thanks

So I take it your MIL is quite happy with this petulant, childish behaviour on the part of her son? I’d be sending mine back with a flea in his ear. Maybe next time, OP, you should lock and bolt the door so he can’t just waltz back in as though nothing has happened. It’s a terrible example to be setting to his children - DC need to know that it’s OK to have a difference of opinion, and it’s not the end of the world and we can get over it - not that it leads to a sulky flounce by one of the parties. Have you spoken to him about it, OP? One of these days, he might leave and discover you don’t want him back….

Thanks for the response. Yes I’ve done exactly that I’ve locked the door so he couldn’t get back in that’s why he ended up staying at his parents/hotel. He always comes back within an hour or two but if I don’t let him back in he ends up having to go to his parents. His parents have both shouted at him about it too, they’re tired of it too.

He needs therapy to help understand why he has this reaction and how to deal with it in an adult manner. If he’s not willing to grow up and make this effort, there’s no hope and he’s a terrible example to your children

Yes I agree but he refuses to go to therapy

I think we need to know more about these arguments. What are they about, how do they start?

He has anger issues so he suddenly starts insulting me or swearing at me usually always after he’s come back home from somewhere. It’s usually that he says he’s going somewhere & ends up taking much longer than he said he would. When I ask him why he took so long he lashes out. That’s not always the cause of the argument but it’s usually him losing it for no reason.

How often are you having big arguments? What makes them big?

Do you have small arguments too? How often?

Nothing to do with MIL, the poor woman…

My DH does this. Always comes back too!

Same sort of arguments. He blows up.
Then storms off. Returns. Pretends nothing happened. Rinse & repeat. It’s so tiresome.

So when he goes somewhere, comes back much later than expected and then starts swearing insulting you when you ask him why he took so long, where abouts has he been? Are you talking about after he has been out socialising, or after coming home from work, or are you talking about just random reasons for being out the house?

To react so angrily at being asked why he took so long seems really extreme. And possibly a guilt reaction.

Just random times when he goes out. He’ll say he’s going to his doctor’s appointment for example and take ages

I’m confused.

Is he going out for an hour or two to get space after an argument but then you are locking the door and not letting him in so he has no choice but to go to his parents/hotel?

so what does he bring to the relationship that's good then because atm I can't imagine why you'd stay with him

Yes that’s what happens because after an argument he packs his bags and says he’s leaving whilst I’m trying to talk it out. He just refuses to talk he either shouts or leaves. So once he leaves I lock the door as I’m sick of this behaviour

We have good times it’s just when he’s in a mood. He can be very loving and a great dad it’s just when he gets angry he over reacts

Who packs their bags to get some space?

Op he's emotionally abusive by packing his bags, giving the impression he's leaving for good.
It's destabilising and manipulative.

It's like when men punch a wall, it's the threat of violence, "this is what I want to do to you".

Same thing, packing his bags as if he needs to leave the relationship and family.

Extremely traumatic for the kids and cruel on you.

Packing bags is a serious step, he needs to know the impact this is having and it's not acceptable.

How is someone who shouts, swears and storms out if disagreed with be a good dad?

all sounds very toxic and unhealthy
From everything you’ve posted this is all on him
but there a few things you said leads me to suspect there’s more to this from both sides I wouldn’t put up with being questioned and have to account for where I’d been ( I wouldn’t question anyone ether)

licking someone out of there own home is the fastest way to get anyone from 0 to 100 in the anger scale

if you genuinely feel u would be in danger you should end it and get the police involved

If he is unwilling to go to counselling with you or change his behaviour (which is abusive, controlling and manipulative) are you willing to change yours?

Next time it happens you could issue an ultimatum but only do this is you are going to follow through, otherwise you will be an manipulative as he is. Tell him the next time he packs his bags you are filing for divorce. If he stays then he needs to go to counselling.

What he is doing will affect the children mentally and emotionally.

My ex was similar, OP. I would want to be finding out exactly where he is when he is taking an inordinate amount of time to do something. In my ex's case, he was a gambling addict and he was in the nearest bookmakers for hours. He didn't admit it though. He also blew up when questioned, in order for the truth not to come out. Do your finances add up?

Fuck that shit. Your toxic dynamic is setting a poor example of how adult relationships work to your DC. You should insist its either counselling or split.

I agree with this - you need to explore this. His anger returning from his 'appointments' is some kind of guilt or defensiveness distracting you from the real issue. What's he doing or doing it with....

I meant he used to be before this behaviour started. This is a new thing he’s been doing

Thanks I agree on that

Yes finances are normal it’s just the out of the ordinary behaviour. I don’t think he’s cheating as there are no signs except this strange behaviour. He also leaves his phone out and is fine with me checking it if I want to

Yes I agree