Husband leaves after every argument

[Maya205]

Hi everyone every time my husband and I get into a big argument he packs his bags and leaves the house. He usually goes to his parents, (once to a hotel) but usually tries to come back a few hours later. We have 2 kids and I’m just so tired of this immature behaviour. Has anyone else experienced this? Also how to deal with it? Thanks

Is this a drs appointment that should be ten minutes that turns into two hours, or long gym visits? I guess he doesn’t communicate that he’s going to be gone longer.

Does he say where he is or what’s taken so long?

also random, does he take drugs?

not that any of this is acceptable, I guess if he’s a little longer it’s no biggy but if he’s gone for hours and you don’t know why that is an issue.

It’s a really toxic pattern.

Why do you keep arguing?
He leaving and you licking the door, is very childish on both sides.

Your typo has really cheered me up this morning OP. Thankyou,

It’s poor emotional regulation. He or you both need therapy and to learn how to communicate without escalation. Prob worth doing if you stay together or split as you need to co parent. Insist on it. He feels awkward for needing therapy but he still needs it

He just shouts at me and that upsets me as I ask him to talk calmly. I find it really disrespectful. I didn’t used to lock the door but since he automatically packs his bags each time in front of the kids I had enough and told him if he does it again I won’t let him back in. It’s childish I know but he won’t go to therapy and he won’t stop this ridiculous behaviour

He doesn’t take drugs. Yes it’s every random time he goes out like to a drs/dentist/errand etc

As a previous poster said, counselling or split up. Can you imagine the effect his behaviour is having on your kids!!!

So when he goes out to these appointments is he gone far longer then expected? Like if you expect him to be gone for an hour but he is gone for four?

Do you have each other on a Find My Iphone type app?

I had enough and told him if he does it again I won’t let him back in

Never make a threat that you won't carry out.
When you say you won't let him back in, in your mind for how long does that apply? Just to the following morning? Then you let him back in and all is fine again until next time?

What help do you want?
You cannot change his behaviour, so there is no point in asking us how to make him change. You can only change yourself.

Do you want help with practical steps on how to end this relationship?

Whilst I never condone temper tantrums by adults, I do think you unnecessarily escalate the situation. If he does this regularly and comes back after an hour or so, you know the pattern well. So, why inflame the situation and lock the door? This means he has to go to either his parents or a hotel. Sounds to me like 6 of one, and half a dozen of the other, type of situation. Next time you have an argument with him, pack his back for him and tell him how pathetic and predictable he is and one day, can he shock you and actually act like an adult for a change.

OP this is abusive, manipulative behaviour.
How much have you stopped asking him things because of his reaction. I couldn’t stay in a situation like this

This is the correct line of questioning -

The discussion turns into an argument, he leaves to diffuse the situation but OP and majority of responses label this as emotional abuse/toxic/psychotherapy buzzword du jour.

OP locks the door behind him, leaving no option for him to stay elsewhere.

From his perspective, no counterpoint diffuses the disagreement. It's simple game theory, if you cannot win the game - don't play.

Does OP deliberately escalate to provoke a reaction? That, to quote the psychotherapy buzzword of the day, is called "reactive abuse"

Ladies, you at some point married these men. They are not all Joseph Fritzel. What caused the change?

Could any of that change be your responsibility?

Be honest....

@Suburbitonian people who leave an argument to diffuse the situation don’t generally pack a bag to take with them.

So why do you need to know exactly where he has been? I can just imagine sitting in the GP surgery, being called in late because they're running behind, and thinking that my partner will be wanting to know why I wasnt back in my 40min allotted time.

This is abusive behaviour to you and also to your DCs if he is packing his bags in front of them - that is truly awful.

Perhaps next time he packs his bags, it needs to be for good?

If my husband was regularly shouting and swearing at me, I would end the relationship. Next time he starts packing his bags, tell him not to come back!

This is weird. The flouncing off is a defensive act so he doesn’t have to explain what he’s done with the time he’s been away. Are you sure he doesn’t have a second phone?

This.

His abusive behaviour (insults, packing a bag after an argument) and the arguments between you both will be damaging the children. You need to leave him because this isn’t healthy.

We don't check phones or account for all our time. I don't think that is healthy

Exactly. It’s either to shut down the questioning out of guilt or it’s to punish her by making her feel insecure that he’s walking out. Both are unacceptable and immature. Shouting is also unacceptable.

Needing time to calm down does not involve packing a bag. It’s like the difference between slamming the phone down on someone or saying I just need a bit of time to think about this and we can talk again later. It is abusive behaviour.

Not sure that I agree with this. Punching a wall is properly terrifying and done deliberately to be intimidating.
@Maya205 does he stomp around the streets for an hour or so with a couple of full suitcases? Then just (try to) come home?
It all sounds exhausting.

My parents used to behave like this when I was a kid. Although Dad would flounce out without the packing. Once mum could drive, it ended up being who could flounce first!! If it was Dad, mum would just carry on as normal in the house. If it was Mum, Dad would either ring round her friends and family trying to find her or would go out after her to see if he could find her that way. Oh the times child me wished they would just divorce and get it over with.

Do not underestimate the impact this is having on your children. They will hear the raised voices, they will panic that Dad might not return this time. I do not believe you are entirely innocent in this. But both of you need to go to therapy - either together or separately - to deal with the very clear relationship dysfunction before your kids internalise too much more of your behaviours and, either act out in similar ways themselves, or start blaming themselves for their parents arguments.

no relationship is perfect without hard work and without communication. It’s up to you and your dh whether your relationship is worth the work or whether it’s safer and healthier to separate.

PS. I blamed myself for my parents arguments. I wasn’t good enough, quiet enough, hardworking or loveable enough. It took meeting my now DH and leaving home to realise that wasn’t the case, and that my parents never blamed me but that I was simply an easy target for their own insecurities and problems. Our relationship broke down massively once I recognised the dysfunction and refused to accept behaviours from them. I wasn’t innocent in some of my actions. But they were born out of that childhood experience.