Husband leaves after every argument

[Maya205]

Hi everyone every time my husband and I get into a big argument he packs his bags and leaves the house. He usually goes to his parents, (once to a hotel) but usually tries to come back a few hours later. We have 2 kids and I’m just so tired of this immature behaviour. Has anyone else experienced this? Also how to deal with it? Thanks

Very odd behaviour from him. It’s quite reasonable to ask where he’s been on an errand that should take 30 mins to come back 2 hours later. Do you have him on find a friend? Can you independently verify where he is? His reaction to your questions screams guilt. My guess is he’s either cheating / drugs / gambling. It would explain the sudden changes to behaviour and anger.

But it sounds like you have checked out of the relationship regardless of the reason behind the behaviour. The behaviour is enough for you to end the relationship.

Who says leaving isn't an option? Why must the disagreement be trashed out there and then? If the discussion has progressed into disagreement and then argument, what purpose does it serve to stay and run over the same talking points? The wise move is to stop and revisit at a later date. He packs a bag because from past experience he is locked out/chain on/whatever.

OP wants to nag him into submission. We have no idea what the disagreement was over, and only have OP's perspective to read. I suspect he enjoys the peace at your in-laws.

Should they decide on a divorce, he will likely be the one leaving semi permanently. Think of it as an introduction to what that life might look like.

Please, try to introspect. Could I do anything differently? Is there room for compromise? AITA? Don't come on Mumsnet or moan to your (divorced?) mates and bask in the pityme pityparty, presenting an entirely one sided perspective and see the responses as justification for your actions.

I think relationship therapy would definitely help. Having an intermediary to help you both explain what makes the situation escalate to this point could potentially resolve it. It’s not healthy to carry this on with children involved

Might it be a way of them engineering time out of the house? That’s something some men seem to do.

How is their behaviour otherwise? Interesting OP said it seems to be triggered when she asks why he took longer on a trip out the house than necessary and he blows up. That’s defensive behaviour, and attack is the best form of defence for some ppl.

OP, if your parents lived close I’d be tempted to make it into a fun - “right kids - trip to grandparents/sleepover/day out!” and not be there when he returns. I understand this isn’t practical, or necessarily the mature thing to do, but he needs to learn that actions have consequences. It’s also not ideal to have him hammering at the door trying to get in with you all inside. I’ve been in similar situations myself sadly. Fortunately it was a phase tho he still takes himself off without telling me where he’s going or for how long sometimes, usually after an argument. I lock the door after him.

Your example is a one-off but it’s a real red flag if someone is routinely going missing for periods of time and refusing to say where they were.

My ex was always going missing for weird amounts of time. A supermarket trip that I knew would take me an hour and a half strangely seemed to always take him two and a half. Popping into his workplace to get something on the weekend seemed to take twice as long as you’d expect. He’d drive somewhere to go for an hour’s run but be back at three hours later. Always just on the verge of believability.

Of course there was a whole secret life that I eventually found out about. The weird absences were a sign, but his anger and unwillingness to give a clear account of where he’d been was the proof I should have heeded.

OP, sorry to say but I’d guess he has an affair going or a gambling or drug problem or some other addiction. Your gut will tell you when someone is taking the piss and pulling the wool over your eyes.

If my DH questioned me over where I had been every time I went out for a while, I would find it irritating but I would just tell him. It is a bit weird that he doesn't just add extra time on in advance when he tells you how long he will be. Surely anyone up to anything dodgy would do that.

It sounds like a guilty conscience or you are driving him absolutely mad. It is all pretty toxic with the swearing and insulting you.

It's a red flag when you allot your partner times you think they should be able to get something done and then interrogate them about why they haven't matched your expectations.

Gosh you’re right, I must have just imagined my entire experience.

There’s no possibility that if someone is habitually taking weirdly long times to do things that there’s anything amiss at all, and you should never ever ask them about it as that would just be controlling.

He sounds awful, a big baby. I'd have had enough of him by now so I'd have told him on his last flouce out if you ever do it again you won't be coming back.

The next time he leaves, change the locks and make it permanent.

Actually I think there are good points here OP. There’s an element of brinkmanship going on and you’re both responsible for the dynamic. You, as much as he, should learn to recognise your behaviours and triggers.

Have you talked to him (in a calm time) about the effect he thinks this has on his children? They are regularly seeing their dad leave the family home after an arguement. He will say he's not leaving THEM but they will see it as such.

He’s cheating on you. It’s starting you right in the face. Whatever the reason anyway, this is terrible for your children they’re probably already scarred from this.