How can I discuss sexual compatibility and therapy with my wife?

[Quaver213]

Hi all, prefacing because this is mumsnet, I’m a male but hoping to get some relationship advice.

My wife and I are our first and only sexual partners. We’ve been together since our late teens and 20 years later (12 years married) together still and still, relatively happy (I guess).

However, there is a problem. More a problem on my end. I find our sex life boring and unadventurous. I have verbalised this (more politely though) and tried to spice things up a bit but i feel she is just a bit more vanilla/sex isn’t that important to her.

Whilst I have felt this way for a while, gradually growing, I will say some physiological changes in me are contributing. I’ve hit the gym (in my late 30s) like never before, lost a tonne of weight, gained a lot of muscle and my testosterone and sex drive have gone up massively.

I wanted to get some advice on constructive ways to engage in this topic with my partner. Has anyone tried sex and relationship therapy for example and would you recommend? Any advice?

Or, is the difficult thing I am potentially hiding from, that we are just not sexually compatible anymore (or never was).

Maybe you’re crap in bed OP

Does your wife feel special, loved, valued in the marriage?

Your post is very me me me.
I want more/different sex.
I find our sex life boring.
I went to the gym, built muscle and look great now.

Whereas,
My wife is vanilla.

A good sex life comes from having a good relationship. It doesn’t sound like you have one, “relatively happy I guess” isn’t a glowing endorsement of a marriage.

Rather than proposing sex therapy and trying to get more adventurous sex, work on the relationship first.

Kids?

in general with sex both partners need to consent.
some people are vanilla. They don’t want strawberry or chocolate ice cream.

what did she say when you raised it?

How is the marriage in general? Does she ever complain you aren't pulling your Weight? Or is she struggling with tiredness or overwork?

Are their any big stresses like money worries?

Of unresolved marriage issues?

Are you making sure she achieving orgasm every time you have sex?

Do you make her feel loved and cherished?
Date nights child free from time to time?

If you make her happy in bed and in the marriage then I think she'd me more inclined and receptive to a little...exploring and spice. Within reason.

But if she's tired, unsatisfied or feels unloved then the incentive won't be there to do anything more than the minimum.

after seeing so many posts without a full back story I have taken to read previous threads first before commenting. Think you really need to update what happened from when you posted in 2025 and what your wife thinks about you now

She might find you a gym bore and crap lover

This is very superficial description - you want more of more.

Try thinking about your wife now. You don't have to write it here in details, but it's important you understand the current situation before suggesting changes.

What does she like in sex? When does she feel the best?
Is she healthy? What are her energy levels?
Children/other responsibilities taking her attention and energy?
Does she enjoy the sex you have now?

If the current sex doesn't work for her, she has no reason to want more/add more.

For many women openness to adventure comes from feeling pleasure, safety, respect and agency.

I find the word vanilla rather unhelpful here, there are many ways how to enjoy sex life, and you need to find something you both enjoy, not focus on something internet/porn tells you is spicy.

If the recent rise in testosterone is causing this incompatibility, perhaps you should take measures to reduce it again?

As ever first post nailed it.

How do you know your testosterone levels have risen? Are you measuring it somehow?

Ugh this is such a cliche. Wife gets bogged down, domestic and boring whilst man has free time to get buff and sexually needy. 🙄

Is Mr Quaver looking for an excuse to shag other women?

@UpDownAllAround1 how do you read other threads by same user?

😆

Sorry OP maybe she is too tired.

You need to pay for Premium.

@UpDownAllAround1Could you give us the gist please?

I doubt your testosterone has gone up - unless you are taking artificial hormones. Your sex drive may have done though.

What has your wife actually said when you have broached this ? Bearing in mind if she doesn’t want what you want she’s not likely to go for it.

Do you say that to the many women on here that moan about their DH when it comes to sex?

thought not…

If she doesn’t desire you - what can you do to improve matters?

What is the division of labour like at home ? Do you have children ?

I would also be interested to know what you consider not “vanilla” ?

if you look for the magnifying glass/search symbol at top of the page on the home page, there is a search by username option

Use the Advanced search and search on username . Don’t need premium to do it.

Sex and Relationship counselling is not for coercing your partner into something they don’t want to do. Nor should anyone be giving you advice on how to convince her to do anything she doesn’t want in order to alleviate your boredom.
Talk to your partner.
There really isn’t anything else anyone can say.

Thank you. On here ten years and did not know that 🤦‍♀️

Just found the previous post. Blimey

So many threads like this on here.

We don't know anything about your wife. It's weird to ask other people how you can get more sex from your wife. You need to talk to your wife.

Wife, I'd really like more sex. Is there anyway that could be possible?
Yes, how, then do what she says.
No, stop pestering for it then as I promise itll mean you get less.