Struggling to accept my mum has changed since the affair

[roava]

Im am 41 years old. 5 years ago we as a family discovered my mum had been having an affair with my dad's boss. Needless to say, it devastated the whole family and changed my relationship with her forever.

She moved out of the family home and in with this man. So rather than being 2 minutes away, she is now around 30 minutes away. Such is my trauma from this whole thing, I still havent been to her house and I havent spoken to the man at all. She does come round and see me and my kids but I haven't really felt much more than a "tick box" for her to be honest. Its like shes doing a duty coming to see us. I cant rely on her for anything any more, it appears like she is being controlled by this man but ive raised it a few times and she says no.

She still tries to have some sort of control in our house as though shes a matriarch but doesnt actually do anything for us or with us anymore.

5 days ago I had double prolapse repair surgery. She has been to see me once for 30 mins. It makes me so sad to see other women who can just call their mom and they are there. Most peoples moms I know would have come to stay with them after surgery. Im still not mobile and am feeling unwell.

She told me yesterday she would be here today but shes tagging on to visiting my uncle whos also unwell. I don't feel like I matter to her at all. She still hasnt turned up.

I can see that there is a child in me screaming out for my mom to come back. But the person I see now is not that person that raised me. Its like she died and I'm grieving for her. This is the time I needed her the most in 8 years and shes not here.

How do I detach myself from this feeling... its like shes breadcrumbing me.

Makes me wonder what advice id give to that little girl crying for her mum... no idea. Cant really say "your moms happier without the burden of family life, so just be happy she's happy" can you?

Well, presumably she’s very conscious of your intense disapproval of the affair and that you experience it as a rejection, and you have chosen never to have met her partner or gone to her house, so she either doesn’t want to be in your company being judged for longer than she has to, or she has no idea you actually want more from her than you’re getting.

I mean, it was obviously an incredibly messy, hurtful situation when she left your father for his boss, but it sounds as if she’s continuing to visit you and your children and trying to keep a relationship with you, whereas for you, she can’t do anything right. If she tries to do something in your household, you see it as ‘controlling’, if she doesn’t, you see it as rejecting. And living 30 minutes from a parent is nothing.

It sounds to me as if you need to act if you want to repair the relationship.

She left your dad, not you or any siblings. I accept it was devastating but you were well into your adulthood when it happened and ideally it shouldn’t have permanently impacted your relationship as mother and daughter. Do you actually want a relationship with her? There has to be give and take on both sides.

And your mother didn’t reject family life when you were a little girl. She left your dad when you were a fully fledged adult.

All of the above points are valid but it also leaves me question WHY it has destroyed me so much. Perhaps I have an attachment issue that needs to be worked through.

Also I have met her partner many times prior to the affair (and during) which also destroyed his household.

It doesnt help hes a racist and my husband is asian and kids are mixed

I think the pp are being really harsh on you OP.

You are entitled to feel as you feel.

Your mother is not the person you thought she was. If she was unhappy in her marriage she should have been honest and left your Dad. Instead she chose the route of deceit and lies.

And given your recent operation her lack of interest and care is pretty unpleasant and hurtful.

I don't see it's up to you to repair the relationship. She is the one who had the affair and devastated the family , not you.

Things can't go back to how they were. And you can't make your mother be the mother you want her to be. So you need to decide what you want going forward. Whether you want to maintain contact with her or not.

I’m so sorry, OP. I also think you’re being given a hard time on here. It’s mostly mums on here, who should understand as, sometimes you just need your mum.

I wish you could have yours now, in the way that you need. I hope you feel better soon and can recover. Sending a hug from a stranger.

Do you still live in the family home you grew up in op?

But lots of us want our mums. Sometimes we want ideal mums who mother us, and comfort us and encourage us and think the world is lucky to have us. In my case, the mother I got, while well-meaning, had never been parented herself and had no idea that more was needed than basic food and clothes to the age of 16, and who dud nothing when I experienced CSA aged ten, because she didn’t think it was ‘that bad’. I still maintain a relationship with her, but I have to acknowledge her limitations. She’d be the last person I’d lean on after surgery, for instance. I didn’t tell her when I had cancer treatment because I’d end up having to manage her worries too.

I hope you recover quickly after your surgery, OP. 💐 You have the mother you have. It’s up to you whether you can work with that.

Nope, ive been moved out 15 years. Everytime i set foot in that house, it knocks me sick. The life and soul is gone from it and it feels like just a different place. I cant go in and recollect any memories its awful. Its like someone else's house or a film set. Clearly from what im saying here and what im writing out, theres work to be done on myself. Even my dad isnt in the same position as me, hes come to terms with everything and I wouldn't say hes 'happy' but hes accepted things.

Agree with that, what do the pp with their responses think?
That op should be joyously celebrating with her mum?
“Oh all that matters in life is that YOU are happy mum!!”

I think there are issues from your own childhood that are making the affair more impactful on you than they would have if you'd had a healthy parent relationship with her before hand.

Therapy can really help you organise these issues apply the appropriate feelings to each trauma.

I really feel for you OP, this would knock anyone, even as an adult.

But gently, I do think your reaction to your mum's life change has obviously informed how your relationship with her is now. If you won't even visit her house or even think of acknowledging her now-partner after 5 years then obviously she's not going to feel that you'd want her to come and stay at your house after your operation, or that you want to spend lots of time with her.

Makes me wonder what advice id give to that little girl crying for her mum... no idea. Cant really say "your moms happier without the burden of family life, so just be happy she's happy" can you?

But she still wants her family life as your mother and grandmother to your children? It seems like she's still making an effort to remain in your lives even though you have pretty much cut her out?

Obviously her leaving and the complete overturning of your image of her has been a massive upheaval for you, but I think you could definitely benefit from some counselling to try and unravel your own feelings about it all, especially after such a long time.

From what you say it does sound like she’s swiched personalities and she’s not only left your dad, she’s also created a void between you as well.

Perhaps she feels sheer guilt about her actions. I hope you get well soon 💐

I think counselling might help you.

30 minutes isn't far at all. Not many people live within walking distance of family.

It's terrible that her new partner is racist and possibly controlling. But do what you can to maintain your relationship with your mum, even though you're hurt by her choices. It can only wither further if you don't, tho.

I think this is very hard and I do understand your sense of betrayal and having been lied to. But sometimes as parents we shelve parts of who we are, want we want and need to be happy and perhaps your mum did that and then found someone who gave her those things that was not your dad. I am not saying what she did is right but there may be many things you do not know about her feelings. I think can you try and talk to her about these things, it might clear the air and give you both perspective. Your relationship with her is changed and you did not play any part of it.

This is going to sound harsh, but you're 41.

Maybe your mum feels her work is done and she wants to live her life as she sees fit without your (obvious) judgement.

It sounds like that for the first time youre seeing your mum as an adult woman rather through the lense of 'your mum' which I can imagine feels weird.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me

My mum did the same 7 years ago, she is all on with his family and their grandchildren and crumbs for me and her grandchild. I can’t help thinking I have done something wrong, but really when I look back neither of us have changed she’s always been self absorbed. It’s sad for me and her blood grandchild and I am still unsure how to move forward with it all. Don’t think any kind of counselling etc will make a difference for me as she’s always been this way. I have known she had been having affairs since I was 18, lots of different men, then finally left my dad when I turned 35. Think it was a shock as she’s had affairs for years and never thought she would leave. But suppose she lived off my dad’s money and never really had a career and just had a good life playing sports and shopping.
but reflecting on that I suppose I still
have always had hope she could be a mum like my friends have, that are actually interested in their lives and want to be part of their grandchilds
lives, just wasnt ment to be! Mine was more interesting in having affairs and money.

I think it's incredibly hard when our parents behave in ways that are destructive, cruel and selfish. It's a rude wake up call that they are human beings who have flaws and make mistakes. Your mum may have been unhappy for a long time and grabbed at her last chance of happiness. The way she left was awful but most of us have done or will do things that we are ashamed of.

She is probably feeling the weight of judgement and disapproval from all the people she loves - her withdrawl is a way of protecting herself from that.

You're an adult and I think you need to have an adult conversation with your mum. Ask her why she did what she did knowing the hurt and devastation it would cause your family. Let her explain her side of things. Tell her you still need your mum in your life. There has to be a capacity for understanding, acceptance and forgiveness for the relationship to move forward.

I'm sorry OP. This sounds tough and it's only natural you feel sidelined. I think there's a small part of all of us that remains that small child who wants their parents' love and approbation, no matter how old we get, and I can understand why you feel hurt and lonely, especially after a difficult and vulnerable time like post-surgery.

You'll find people on here defending her or trying to explain her behaviour because it is a woman who had an affair. I guarantee if it was a man, there would be much less understanding.

Your feelings are totally natural and the responsibility is on her to reassure you that her commitment and love towards you and your kids hasn’t changed. Sounds like she’s failing big time.

I think therapy would be a good idea for you to explore these big feelings of rejection.

Your feelings are totally valid. It would be odd if you didn’t feel like this.

Your parents split 5 years ago when you were already a parent and adult. Now your mums a lot less available to you as she’s busy with her new life. I’d expect you to be upset, disapproving, sorry for your dad. But for you to feel trauma is ott. I’d consider therapy.

Has your mum's partner been racist towards your DH and your kids?

Do you still want to see your mum, even though the visits are so unsatisfactory? She is obviously just going through the motions so she can tell herself that she is still a good mum and grandmother. Obviously, it doesn't seem like that any more for you. Maybe a period of time without seeing her, at your instigation, will help you come to terms with it.

Does your dad still have to work with your mum's partner? That must have been really awful for him.

It all sounds like a terrible mess and I'm not surprised that you can't get over what she has done.