Husband dropped a bombshell

[Sadandneedahug]

Hi all. I need a hug and a handhold and any advice. I’ve been on MN for years but I’ve name changed for this.

Apologies if this ends up being really long, I’ll try to include everything.

In February of this year, my husband of 15 years told me we needed to work on things as he was feeling unhappy. We had a chat, both made a list of things we needed to do, and the lists were very similar. We were doing really well for a couple of weeks but then he had to go abroad for 3 weeks for work and when he came back he was quite poorly for a couple of weeks.

When he recovered (so about a month ago), told me he still wasn’t happy and wanted to leave.

We have two children aged 11 & 10.

He’s told me he hasn’t been happy for some time, and that he feels like we’ve grown apart. Says we live like co-parents and friends rather than a married couple. He says he doesn’t love me anymore, but still cares about me and will always love me as the kids mother.

He says he has tried for years to make an effort. However in my mind I’ve not seen this. We’ve had good times, great holidays and I think we’ve been happy. He’s been quiet and withdrawn over the last year - I asked if he was ok, and he always replied with ‘I’m fine’ or ‘stressed with work’. He has a stressful job so I believed him. I even said to him last year that I was worried I was losing him. He said absolutely not. After our chat in February this year, I asked if we were going to be ok - answer was yes. He acknowledged it would take hard work but would try his best.

I was quite poorly for 12-18 months in 2024/25 and the best I could do was to the bare minimum every day and no more. Due to this our sex life has dwindled. I also struggled when the kids were young with post natal depression, struggled with being a stay at home mum even though that’s what I wanted. I did end up going to work for a couple of days a week just to feel like me again.

Our house needs a fair bit of work and he says that gets him down. It frustrates me as well but I try to not nag him about it as I know how busy and stressed he is/was. We made a list of things that needed done and who would do them to break it down into easier chunks.

He wants to still be around, have a key for the house and come and go whenever if I’m ok with that. He’ll still help with kids, activities etc, DIY around the house and basically to let him know whenever I need some help. If I want him around to help with breakfasts/dinners/school runs he says he’ll do it. He also says we can still go on family holidays too.

He says he feels really guilty for doing this, but is feeling depressed, miserable, not himself and would rather put everyone through the pain now rather than waiting for years to come and do it then. He says doing it now will make our relationship better and his relationship with the kids better. He says he doesn’t hate me.

He is a fantastic dad.

I’m confused. Before he went on his work trip he told me he loved me. Loads of messages towards the end of last year saying he loved me. We had plans to move house in a few years, in March we booked a holiday for December. We had plans to start a new business together and the wheels were in motion for that - it’s easy enough to stop it though. It was all long term stuff.

I admit I’ve gotten pretty comfortable and just sailing through life, getting things done, going to work etc. Yes we probably have neglected each other. We’ve never had much alone time as we don’t have any childcare options. I have exploded at times with the lack of help around the house - cleaning, cooking, household chores etc. It got better for a week or so after each explosion and then went back to ‘normal’. However this past month I’ve never had so much help! He’s taking the bins out, making dinners, emptying the dishwasher, making the kids packed lunches. I don’t know if that’s just guilt. He’s also just redecorated our youngests bedroom - something he’s been saying he’d do since last year.

I know he’s had an individual counselling session. With all he has going on at work and at home she told him she’s surprised he hasn’t had a nervous breakdown. I’ve been seeing a solution based hypnotherapist to help with my confidence levels as I was struggling before all of this happened. I was beginning to get to a good place until this happened.

He has agreed to go to couples counselling to talk it through as we keep going over the same things and end up arguing. He says it won’t change anything but then says he’ll be honest and see what the counsellor says. I have no experience with this so I’m a bit worried about what will happen at these sessions. Do I say all of this to a counsellor?

I’m not blameless. I’m not trying to make excuses with my health problems and my issues when the kids were tiny. I could’ve given him more attention. I should’ve pushed it when he went quiet last year but I left him at his short answers.

I’ve asked him if there’s someone else, and he says no. I do believe him.

Thank you if anyone has read all of this, sorry it’s so long. I don’t even know what I’m asking for. I don’t want to split up. I still love him. I feel like a failure and I’m so embarrassed. I feel like an idiot. I cry every day. He says I need to talk to someone rather than keep torturing myself about it on my own. I’ve told very few people because of feeling like such a failure. I can’t even face his parents (who are furious with him) and they’re lovely people. I just don’t know how I can get othrough this. I can’t imagine my life without him - I feel like my whole future has gone.

He could easily have a burner phone if he was cheating.

But the point is he's said he wants to leave the marriage but still come and go from the family home as he pleases and get all the benefits of being a family man without offering any of the security or commitment.

He can fuck right off with that noise. Who does he think he is?

Tell him to piss off and find a place to rent so that he can start having the DCs 50% of the time. The sooner the better.

I don't understand the obsession with searching through a partner's' messages lime some searching for infidelity.

1. the relationship is over. The husband is unhappy and notwithstanding counselling, he wants to leave. Life is too short to be in a relationship in which he is unhappy

2. even if the relationship weren't over, invading a husband's privacy in the way suggested would end the relationship anyway if they found out showing a fundamental lack of trust

Thank you @MyrtlethePurpleTurtle. I do appreciate everyone’s replies and support however I genuinely believe he’s not got anyone else. He says he’s not in the headspace for another woman, it’s the last thing on his mind and he needs more individual counselling to sort himself out.

He’s asked me twice this morning if I have an appointment for couples counselling so I need to sort that out.

He has a place to stay in temporarily but it’s about 20 miles away from our house. He rents a flat out nearby so his plan is to live there when the tenants move out.

Why isn't he fucking sorting out couples counselling?!!

Not every man that ends a long term relationship is cheating or planning to cheat.
Is it not just possible that he feels you ve talked it through earlier in the year.You ve both really tried and its just not working for him.The ' I love you' ,is likely true.He has probably been wrestling with guilt in his head for breaking up the family, telling you he loves you is reminder to him what he s giving up.
Many couples split because of emotional distance and many other reasons.Many still have deep feelings for each other.Not everyone is an abuser or an adulterer or soon to be cheat!
If he wishes to end his marraige; it is crap as there are kids involved, but it would be worse in the long run if he stayed.
I presume you ve discussed couples therapy and the marraige is exhausted?? ; if not it may be worth an appointment to see if there is anything surfaces
Have you both considered a fixed term split for a break ; a few months,see how you feel after ??
In the meantime have you managed to talk through the practicalities of the split.Where will he live??
Routine is best for everyone, sort days / overnights he has the kids.Him having access to the house with keys coming and going at his leisure is just not on.Unfair on you; you may not think it at the moment but you will move on from how you are feeling now.
Will you require to sell or move home??
Have you discussed meantainance??
Initiate a discussion around this.
Try to be less emotional ( appreciate it s difficult), be more pragmatic.

organising couples counselling is not your responsibility. You don’t even have to go if you don’t want to. Oftentimes when one party has already decided to leave it’s more damaging to go through the couples counselling process than not.

Absolutely!!

@Sadandneedahug - your time would be better spent on lining up those ducks…… just in case

I really do think focusing on the possibility of another woman is a red herring. He might or might not. He might well be in the minority of men who leave because they are unhappy rather than have an affair because they are unhappy. What matters is that he is unhappy and is leaving. Fixating on someone 'turning his head' will only distract you from what's important - sorting out next steps, for your children, for yourself, and protecting your heart. I would suggest you do that rather than snooping around his ipad/phone/laptop. Good luck doing that.

Okay, let's accept that he isn't having an affair.

Why are YOU respponsible for couples counselling? You're in the middle of a complete mind fuck event. But you have to come up with time and effort to do this?

Either way, you don't have to let him in and out of the house. Part of the mindset in these sitautions is the man's desparate attempt to prove to the outside world that it was amicable and, worse, joint decision. "I spend loads of time over there, it's all great" is a classic attempt to do this. Do not allow it. You don't want to be quietly sobbing somewhere or ranting to a friend and he just waltzes in. by all means, if in the very beginning, you prefer him coming to the house to see the children, no problem. But then agree set times. And aim, as much as possible, to NOT be there when he does.

I think at some point his reason to keep a key and enter whenever is because he on the mortgage. Boundaries needed

I don't think you will find out what us going on at present, so instead of torturing yourself, I would suggest that dealing with practicalities is the better option. Couples counselling is a good move in my opinion, if nothing else it might make the separation easier. You can agree with the way forward without arguing and with the benefit of a non involved person guiding you.
I would just say, from a practical point of view, that as you are married neither of you can refuse to allow the other entrance to the house. Clearly him just coming and going is awful for you, and that's another thing to discuss. If you are to separate then you need to agree when he comes to see the kids, or whatever, but you can't change locks for example.
Can you afford the mortgage? Or will it have to be sold.
I'm sorry you are in this position, lots for you to think about in the future.

Notsosweetcaroline - at 12.56
what is shocking is the OP declaring “I believe him” when all the evidence suggests that he is lying, gaslighting her, having an affair, wants to come and go, doesn’t initiate intimacy, on and on,
she will come back and read our posts when she feels up to it

we haven‘t had a pile on at all, we are mostly of the same mind and why is that do you think?

we ARE helping, offering empathy, sympathy, pragmatic and practical advice,
some sharing experiences, exercising the tough love for which we are renowned

I suspect you are projecting, actually

he is leaving it all ‘lying around’ for this very reason, because everything
is clean
which means he is in close contact with the OW to make plans daily

he is not going to say yes there is someone else is he? when he still enjoys
the comforts of home, when if he said, Yes there is someone else, there is a
chance you would throw him out?
he wants to leave when HE is ready, on HIS terms and he is not quite ready yet

Why is it down to you to arrange marriage counselling?

Where did I apologise for anything? Did you read something I didn't write?

Gosh people just need to stop really. Listen to what the ops is saying. And he is ready, he’s making plans, Christ it’s only been a couple,of days.

this obsession with cheating is utterly bizzare.

Wow, to say he doesn't love you anymore is the ending. He's told you what he wants and is being hands-on showing you he's still a family man and has managed to decorate a bedroom - to keep a child happy? In all the previous months of what he's going through he hasn't managed to decorate a bedroom, doesn't want to have to look after you when you're ill but can still function for work as normal.

How nice of him to still want to come and go from the marital home, have a key whilst living 20 miles away & yiu can call on him any time you want help with the kids. He's got another woman but is gaslighting you - telling you how he has his life planned out without you because he doesn't love you. That would be enough for any person to hear - after that the dominoes all fall into place when you agree to what he's been planning so you don't lose him altogether. If he told you he'd got another woman what would you do? Kick him out or try to change his mind and him stay - he's already told you where he's going.

Can you see his bank statements to see what he's been upto? How do you know he hasn't got another phone?

As for going on holiday together he's just feeding you crumbs of hope & keeping one foot in the door to keep you sweet.

It doesn't matter that you love him & he's a fantastic dad - he's playing with you, you just can't see it x

I suspect as she’s the one who wants it, he doesn’t.

OP sadly more often than not, there is or has been an OW at some point as a catalyst for suddenly declaring they feel very unhappy and wanting out. Most of these posts are from blindsided women who had no idea their husbands were ‘unhappy’, because they weren’t until they pursued and were pursued by somebody else.
However, the truth is that if we stick to known facts, we don’t know this and he might have just decided that the marriage isn’t working for him any more and he wants a different life.
Whether he is or he isn’t, whether there is an OW or not, isn’t what concerns me. It is your sense of failure and shame.
My dear OP, you are not responsible for making any other human being happy. You weren’t responsible for his happiness when you married him and you’re not responsible for his happiness now. We are only ever responsible for our own happiness. It was up to him to make himself happy and always will be. If you go through life expecting other people and external things to make you happy, you are pretty much always going to be disappointed. If he can’t take responsibility for his own happiness, then the next person he gets into a relationship with, is going to eventually “fail” him too. Except they won’t have “failed”, he will have expected them to fulfil every desire and meet every one of his needs. Nobody ever can. Even what looks like a “perfect” (no such thing btw) relationship, both partners might be meeting a lot of each other’s needs but never all of them. Nobody can do that for you.
How we plug that gap is important. We have to do that for ourselves with healthy choices, not alcohol or drugs or porn or affairs or overeating or gambling or compulsive shopping or running to the next available person….the list of unhealthy stuff that can fill that gap is vast.
Hopefully he’s made this decision for healthy reasons.
Whether he has or not, only time will tell.
My point is that there is no shame in being on the receiving end of anyone else’s choices. Relationship failure is never one-sided, he will have played his part in this, but even though the relationship has failed, that does not make you or him a failure as a person.
Stop carrying shame that is not yours to bear, stop berating yourself for not meeting all his needs (this is impossible for anyone to do) stop asking yourself what you did/ didn’t do that was wrong or what you said/ didn’t say that was wrong, this is not down to you. It’s for him to work out why his marriage failed by looking in his own back yard first.
Secondly, of course you don’t want to split up and of course you still love him, you didn’t choose this. What you do need to do now is stop blaming yourself and calling yourself ugly names, you are not a failure. Gently OP, at present this isn’t going to change. You need to accept the situation (not cave in or lose your dignity) as it is at face value and decide what you want this interim limbo period of him still hanging around to look like. It is unrealistic of him to wish to leave but come and go as he pleases. Leaving means he forfeits the right to have a key and enter the house when he wishes, you are going to seperate and you have a right to privacy in your home and if he wants this, you get to tell him his it’s going to be.
I’m so sorry and it hurts like hell, but grieve what was and eat when you can, take care of yourself physically as well as mentally. Think the unthinkable now, he really is going to go, at least in the short term, nothing will change that. Have a long think about what you want then tell him, don’t ask. Tell.
It might be his game at present so take back control and make it play out by your rules.
Sending you support. X

I'm starting to think @Notsosweetcaroline is the dh!

This is too long to be tattooed onto me but I'm going to print it out.

I think MN should pin it to the top of the board.

Not sarcasm, sorry op for the derail.

🥹🥺 ❤️

I felt bad about considering reading my ex h’s emails. But I was glad I did, as they confirmed the 18 month affair he’d been having with my friend, the lies he was telling everyone (all our friends and families including staggeringly my own parents) about why our marriage was ending and the 30k he had hidden from me.

Please OP wise up a bit here. I KNOW it’s devastating and hard to believe and you want it to work out. But if there is nothing there then the worst you have done is betrayed the trust of someone who isn’t treating you well at all. Which is no loss quite frankly.

@Sadandneedahug you are wasting your money if you go to couples' therapy. If he wanted to stay together he'd at least help pick someone out and he wouldn't move so far away. He doesn't want easy access to you or dc. He just doesn't. He wants a single life. Please take charge of your life with your dc alone.

It sounds like you both had a tough time and are both possibly depressed. I hope the counselling helps. Not everything is about an affair, depression is real and it can do a number on close relationships. That said you need to be able through counselling to both make a positive decision that this is what you want. Otherwise the depression will continue. Good luck.

Tell him to sort the appt and make some for himself alone. Is this a case of the grass is greener/mid life crisis? Does he need a GP appt for depression?

What is he looking for?!