Husband dropped a bombshell

[Sadandneedahug]

Hi all. I need a hug and a handhold and any advice. I’ve been on MN for years but I’ve name changed for this.

Apologies if this ends up being really long, I’ll try to include everything.

In February of this year, my husband of 15 years told me we needed to work on things as he was feeling unhappy. We had a chat, both made a list of things we needed to do, and the lists were very similar. We were doing really well for a couple of weeks but then he had to go abroad for 3 weeks for work and when he came back he was quite poorly for a couple of weeks.

When he recovered (so about a month ago), told me he still wasn’t happy and wanted to leave.

We have two children aged 11 & 10.

He’s told me he hasn’t been happy for some time, and that he feels like we’ve grown apart. Says we live like co-parents and friends rather than a married couple. He says he doesn’t love me anymore, but still cares about me and will always love me as the kids mother.

He says he has tried for years to make an effort. However in my mind I’ve not seen this. We’ve had good times, great holidays and I think we’ve been happy. He’s been quiet and withdrawn over the last year - I asked if he was ok, and he always replied with ‘I’m fine’ or ‘stressed with work’. He has a stressful job so I believed him. I even said to him last year that I was worried I was losing him. He said absolutely not. After our chat in February this year, I asked if we were going to be ok - answer was yes. He acknowledged it would take hard work but would try his best.

I was quite poorly for 12-18 months in 2024/25 and the best I could do was to the bare minimum every day and no more. Due to this our sex life has dwindled. I also struggled when the kids were young with post natal depression, struggled with being a stay at home mum even though that’s what I wanted. I did end up going to work for a couple of days a week just to feel like me again.

Our house needs a fair bit of work and he says that gets him down. It frustrates me as well but I try to not nag him about it as I know how busy and stressed he is/was. We made a list of things that needed done and who would do them to break it down into easier chunks.

He wants to still be around, have a key for the house and come and go whenever if I’m ok with that. He’ll still help with kids, activities etc, DIY around the house and basically to let him know whenever I need some help. If I want him around to help with breakfasts/dinners/school runs he says he’ll do it. He also says we can still go on family holidays too.

He says he feels really guilty for doing this, but is feeling depressed, miserable, not himself and would rather put everyone through the pain now rather than waiting for years to come and do it then. He says doing it now will make our relationship better and his relationship with the kids better. He says he doesn’t hate me.

He is a fantastic dad.

I’m confused. Before he went on his work trip he told me he loved me. Loads of messages towards the end of last year saying he loved me. We had plans to move house in a few years, in March we booked a holiday for December. We had plans to start a new business together and the wheels were in motion for that - it’s easy enough to stop it though. It was all long term stuff.

I admit I’ve gotten pretty comfortable and just sailing through life, getting things done, going to work etc. Yes we probably have neglected each other. We’ve never had much alone time as we don’t have any childcare options. I have exploded at times with the lack of help around the house - cleaning, cooking, household chores etc. It got better for a week or so after each explosion and then went back to ‘normal’. However this past month I’ve never had so much help! He’s taking the bins out, making dinners, emptying the dishwasher, making the kids packed lunches. I don’t know if that’s just guilt. He’s also just redecorated our youngests bedroom - something he’s been saying he’d do since last year.

I know he’s had an individual counselling session. With all he has going on at work and at home she told him she’s surprised he hasn’t had a nervous breakdown. I’ve been seeing a solution based hypnotherapist to help with my confidence levels as I was struggling before all of this happened. I was beginning to get to a good place until this happened.

He has agreed to go to couples counselling to talk it through as we keep going over the same things and end up arguing. He says it won’t change anything but then says he’ll be honest and see what the counsellor says. I have no experience with this so I’m a bit worried about what will happen at these sessions. Do I say all of this to a counsellor?

I’m not blameless. I’m not trying to make excuses with my health problems and my issues when the kids were tiny. I could’ve given him more attention. I should’ve pushed it when he went quiet last year but I left him at his short answers.

I’ve asked him if there’s someone else, and he says no. I do believe him.

Thank you if anyone has read all of this, sorry it’s so long. I don’t even know what I’m asking for. I don’t want to split up. I still love him. I feel like a failure and I’m so embarrassed. I feel like an idiot. I cry every day. He says I need to talk to someone rather than keep torturing myself about it on my own. I’ve told very few people because of feeling like such a failure. I can’t even face his parents (who are furious with him) and they’re lovely people. I just don’t know how I can get othrough this. I can’t imagine my life without him - I feel like my whole future has gone.

Harsh, but true. This man to have his cake and eat it - swan through life as a single man, while you do all the hard work. FFS have standards for yourself that dont let this happen

That's how I read it too. I pretty much stopped reading after wanting a key to come and go as he pleases - you're either in or you're not. It would just feel messy and confusing otherwise for you and the kids. He really wants his cake and eat it.

"I should've pushed it when he went quiet last year but I left it with his short answers."

I disagree, he was responsible for being honest about his feelings, knowing his needs, communicating and being a part of the solution, instead he repressed his feelings, lived in denial and fed you that story. His emotional immaturity is not your responsibility and it is not fair to ask you to probe the truth out of him or expect you to mind read.

Would you say he was emotionally responsive to you? Often when people are not emotionally in tune with themselves they are not attuned to their partners either.

And as to having a key and coming and going when he likes, absolutely not, he is trying to have the split and keep all his comforts with no mind for your comforts and no clarity regarding boundaries, that's selfish. If you are going to rebuild your life you need to feel your home is a haven from everything and no one but yourself and your children should have free access.

There’s no evidence of another woman yet. So I’ll go with the possibility that he is one of the (many) men who seem to find the shift away from youthful adoring passionate beginnings to the routine of family life very difficult. They are just too selfish inside basically, they manage to put the children first throughout primary school but as secondary school nears they realise that there’s still a lot of parenting left and deep down want to escape that, whilst maintaining a veneer of being a responsible parent. At some level they resent their wife for being better at the sacrifices involved.

Basically men (and women) love the pre children bit when they are the centre of attention, lots of sex, admiration etc but then the shift to co- parenting incrementally takes its toll but men take that shift personally somehow. There is a thread on MN at the moment called a dead marriage which is an extreme illustration of how some men view it.

Many (but not all ) men are more selfish and intolerant. They manage to contain their selfishness when the kids are small but as the children get nearer to secondary school it doesn’t get as easy as they hoped, and this triggers a loss of interest in the wife and children, even though a sense of shame means they try and mask it. These men just don’t have the long term self sacrifice and stamina that accompanies the pressures of family routine, They want more youthful excitement and freedom , then low level blame their frazzled spouse for their unmet emotional needs.
The shift to co-parenting can lead to anyone feeling unappreciated, or overwhelmed by the monotony of family life. For women that is outweighed by the joy and love of DC but I think for many men that isn’t a sufficient plus and their love of themselves is greater.
There’s an identity shift in parenting, some men just aren’t robust enough for that shift, they have a bit of a hole in their soul and feel they’ve sacrificed their freedom, hobbies etc. In these men, their resentment and desire to escape festers.

I think he may be one of those men OP. I’m afraid the best thing to do is let him go. I’m so sorry, but he doesn’t deserve what you and the DC offer with a family life. You can have a joyful family time with other relatives and friends who appreciate you, although it’s too soon for you to see how good that can be right now.

He's off his rocker. Keep a key and come and go as he pleases. Hell no. 50/50 custody all the way.

I'm going to be honest OP and say that before reading any of the replies I felt sure that there is a another woman somehow. He may not be actively 'seeing someone' but he wants someone, or something has happened (maybe more than one something).

What happened on the work trip?

Just what happened on that 3 week trip away?

That sounds so awful OP, I'm sorry. He's a selfish bellend and he has another woman waiting in the wings. Just do what is best for you and the kids, be selfish. No he can't have a key and wander in and out at will, piss off. Can you afford to live without him, just with CM?

A sexless marriage in mid life is rarely happy- your DH sounds as if he was looking for, or has found a new sexual partner while he was away for work.
You need to talk and work out why the marriage is sexless and how to fix it- or agree to split.

I don't think any court would take it as anything other than the reductio ad absurdum it is.

I think on balance you are right, but I'd still play for the bigger picture. Sometimes it is tempting to make people uncomfortable for short term enjoyment but it isn't always really worth it in the broader scheme.

He's got another woman and is keeping you on the back burner in case it goes wrong and because he feels guilty about leaving you. You need to tell him he can fuck off. He's a cheeky fucker. He wants a key? I bet he does! I would talk to your friends and be honest. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does though!

Just adding to the chorus: you have nothing to be ashamed of. He's let you carry the domestic weight (you mention he was away with work for 3 weeks; perhaps that's common) and that's left you with less time for him. That's how these things go. I tend to suspect that he has had his head turned but, whether he has or not, it's much better for him to properly experience now what separation from you truly means. As PPs have said, that means he does not have a key to the house and he does not get to come and go as he wishes. He needs to find somewhere else to live and move out and start feeling the reality of you no longer being his life partner.

"then he had to go abroad for 3 weeks for work and when he came back he was quite poorly for a couple of weeks.

When he recovered (so about a month ago), told me he still wasn’t happy and wanted to leave."

what was he doing on those 3 weeks of work??

I'd get your ducks in a row, give him the all clear to leave and take the key off him on his way out.

No you can't come and go as you please. No half in half out.

@leopardandspots bang on. Something happened on the "work" trip. He has visions of the grass being greener but still has control over you and family on the back burner with his "key" an "popping in" looking like a good guy to his mates, supporting you, amicable separation etc... and he can repair things if he comes back to ever so grateful, vulnerable you.
Do you not want to tell anyone what is happening as you feel you will look very weak to people if he comes back? He is getting support and so should you. A paid counsellor could act as a "listening ear" but they can't solve things for you, they can help you think about things on your mind. Your H said his counsellor said that's it's surprising your H didn't have a breakdown with how many things he has had to shoulder - I call BS, a good counsellor would not actually tell you that - they usually parrot back or concisely phrase something you say that you feel. Your H wants to be the good guy and paints you as someone who is clinging and leeching on him. I bet you are not that person.

Your H is no longer your friend. Make copies/screenshot all his documents relating to bank accounts, pensions, investments, the house etc and put them somewhere safe. See a solicitor. Men act all friendly and ever so reasonable at the start of splitting but soon cut up rough when the reality of how expensive life is cuts in and they become more disconnected from you. If you work things great, it is still prudent to be prepared. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
He is much , much further along the lines of planning and disconnecting than you. You have been blind sided- don't agree to anything on the hoof, just say I will have to think about that.
You can be both depressed and also playing the field.

I don’t want to split up. I still love him. I feel like a failure and I’m so embarrassed. I feel like an idiot. I cry every day. He says I need to talk to someone rather than keep torturing myself about it on my own. I’ve told very few people because of feeling like such a failure.

I felt so sad for you reading these very honest lines op.

You really and truly have nothing to feel idiotic or like a failure about. Your reactions are perfectly natural.

I also noted the bit where he says you need to talk to someone and that really hit me as him being serious about this: he wants it out in the open and being spoken about, and he is already steering you towards others, away from him as a support.

I realise how much that must hurt, but equally I do think it is kindest to yourself in the long run to really hear what he is saying in that. It is possible there is not an OW, but either way, I don't think you should hang too much hope on his watery proposals about being around to help etc. I think that is him being cowardly, rather than any real hesitation on his part.

Wishing you strength and I would say again that there is no shame in your situation.

you don’t need a hug OP you need a shake

there is someone else, there has been for a while, he has been
battling with his conscience which made him ‘poorly’ now he is
allowing concessions ie going on holiday? having a key and
doing diy? ha ha, as if - soon as he has gone these resolutions
will fade away like snow in August..

You believing him is actually enabling him whilst he is gaslighting you.

He is lying through his teeth.

We read the same sad story over and over on here, we offer tough love
and our own experiences mostly, as many here have said over the years,
MEN follow the same script, it is genetically implanted.

You know the MN script, ‘get your ducks in a row, paperwork together,
keep a close eye on the joint bank account, see a solicitor, get real
I’m sorry this is happening to you and your children, but please heed
the wisdom here, we may be cynical but we are always right.

Men often do this prevaricating to and fro whilst weighing up options.
However! you can make the decision to not believe him and throw him out.

Come on there. Stop blaming yourself. He is the failure, not you.
Please get angry on your children's behalf.

Not only has he walked out on you, but he's walked out on them too.
He already abandoned them for 3 weeks. Sorry but no one goes on a 3 week work trip. That's a complete fiction. And it's quite sad he lied to his children. You should be able to trust and rely on your Dad.

He thinks it's OK to just be a Dad when he feels like it. No regards to their needs or feelings.
Over the years he has failed to do his half of childcare and drop offs
Over the years has failed to do his half of looking after the house
Over the years has failed to do the DIY he was supposed to do
He's not a fantastic Dad. He's a Dad who has let his children down.

Your children deserve better than that. If they can't see their Father every day they deserve to know when they are going to see him, not leaving them in the dark every day, like they were some optional extra he can squeeze in when he feels like it.

And if you aren't going to advocate for better for your children. who is going to? They are obviously not foremost in his mind.

yes, also I want to point out that him having a key, coming and going
when he wants to, into YOUR home, means that you have no privacy,
this is not right, it is an imposition - “I’ll be watching you” bloody cheek

when my first boyfriend broke up with me I was such a fool I cried and begged and constantly slept with him wishing he would take me back. Then I read this article about reverse psychology and I vowed to go no contact for 30 days. By the end of the 30 days he was begging to have me back, so I had achieved my goal because I still loved him. But I actually enjoyed the 30 days I found it good to be free of the whole situation. My friend did the same and even though he had left her for someone else he even wrote her a letter to try and get her back, which she ignored. He married the other girl who he left her for, imagine she never even knew he was writing his ex letters. So whilst this is awful I would advise you to shock him and try to go no contact for 30 days to show him what life is like without you. I guarantee he will want you back and if that’s what you want then you’ve won. Before you do it tell him because he’s broken your heart you will be distancing yourself now, don’t let him know how long for. Get your parents to do drop off. If he’s serious you’ll know because he won’t be coming back and then you can work on your co parenting relationship.

He was unhappy for an entire year though, with no effort from either side to save the marriage. There’s only so long one should hang in limbo. If someone else had pushed him to end it, I don’t see why that would be so awful. And I’d say the same had it been her!

I’m sorry but there is probably someone else. The guilt you say he has reminds me of when my ex and children’s father left 6 weeks before Christmas. He ended up buying them so many expensive gifts that year last minute. 2 weeks after Christmas and on our shared baby loss anniversary one of our children walked in on him shagging a work colleuge.

Apparently there is medically a hormone change that men have. Friend's husband had an affair, wouldn't admit it until caught but she's taken him back.
She says he is ill and getting help. I'm very angry with him but she is much happier. It was shocking as he's always been a brilliant husband and father. I don't know if it is what's known as midlife crisis. He told her that he can't feel anything and is numb all the time. She has access to his phone and they work together anyway.
My partner has said similar about the 'male menopause' but then he has a host of MH issues including cptsd from childhood abuse and recent ASD diagnosis.
Could something like that be a factor?

yes, also, do it now! whilst he is still feeling slightly guilty and possibly slightly conflicted.
It is better also to have a legal separation and the the financial side of the separation
formalised.

what if it is? are you an apologist for bad behaviour in husbands as they might be ‘suffering’ during the Andropause?