Hi all. I need a hug and a handhold and any advice. I’ve been on MN for years but I’ve name changed for this.
Apologies if this ends up being really long, I’ll try to include everything.
In February of this year, my husband of 15 years told me we needed to work on things as he was feeling unhappy. We had a chat, both made a list of things we needed to do, and the lists were very similar. We were doing really well for a couple of weeks but then he had to go abroad for 3 weeks for work and when he came back he was quite poorly for a couple of weeks.
When he recovered (so about a month ago), told me he still wasn’t happy and wanted to leave.
We have two children aged 11 & 10.
He’s told me he hasn’t been happy for some time, and that he feels like we’ve grown apart. Says we live like co-parents and friends rather than a married couple. He says he doesn’t love me anymore, but still cares about me and will always love me as the kids mother.
He says he has tried for years to make an effort. However in my mind I’ve not seen this. We’ve had good times, great holidays and I think we’ve been happy. He’s been quiet and withdrawn over the last year - I asked if he was ok, and he always replied with ‘I’m fine’ or ‘stressed with work’. He has a stressful job so I believed him. I even said to him last year that I was worried I was losing him. He said absolutely not. After our chat in February this year, I asked if we were going to be ok - answer was yes. He acknowledged it would take hard work but would try his best.
I was quite poorly for 12-18 months in 2024/25 and the best I could do was to the bare minimum every day and no more. Due to this our sex life has dwindled. I also struggled when the kids were young with post natal depression, struggled with being a stay at home mum even though that’s what I wanted. I did end up going to work for a couple of days a week just to feel like me again.
Our house needs a fair bit of work and he says that gets him down. It frustrates me as well but I try to not nag him about it as I know how busy and stressed he is/was. We made a list of things that needed done and who would do them to break it down into easier chunks.
He wants to still be around, have a key for the house and come and go whenever if I’m ok with that. He’ll still help with kids, activities etc, DIY around the house and basically to let him know whenever I need some help. If I want him around to help with breakfasts/dinners/school runs he says he’ll do it. He also says we can still go on family holidays too.
He says he feels really guilty for doing this, but is feeling depressed, miserable, not himself and would rather put everyone through the pain now rather than waiting for years to come and do it then. He says doing it now will make our relationship better and his relationship with the kids better. He says he doesn’t hate me.
He is a fantastic dad.
I’m confused. Before he went on his work trip he told me he loved me. Loads of messages towards the end of last year saying he loved me. We had plans to move house in a few years, in March we booked a holiday for December. We had plans to start a new business together and the wheels were in motion for that - it’s easy enough to stop it though. It was all long term stuff.
I admit I’ve gotten pretty comfortable and just sailing through life, getting things done, going to work etc. Yes we probably have neglected each other. We’ve never had much alone time as we don’t have any childcare options. I have exploded at times with the lack of help around the house - cleaning, cooking, household chores etc. It got better for a week or so after each explosion and then went back to ‘normal’. However this past month I’ve never had so much help! He’s taking the bins out, making dinners, emptying the dishwasher, making the kids packed lunches. I don’t know if that’s just guilt. He’s also just redecorated our youngests bedroom - something he’s been saying he’d do since last year.
I know he’s had an individual counselling session. With all he has going on at work and at home she told him she’s surprised he hasn’t had a nervous breakdown. I’ve been seeing a solution based hypnotherapist to help with my confidence levels as I was struggling before all of this happened. I was beginning to get to a good place until this happened.
He has agreed to go to couples counselling to talk it through as we keep going over the same things and end up arguing. He says it won’t change anything but then says he’ll be honest and see what the counsellor says. I have no experience with this so I’m a bit worried about what will happen at these sessions. Do I say all of this to a counsellor?
I’m not blameless. I’m not trying to make excuses with my health problems and my issues when the kids were tiny. I could’ve given him more attention. I should’ve pushed it when he went quiet last year but I left him at his short answers.
I’ve asked him if there’s someone else, and he says no. I do believe him.
Thank you if anyone has read all of this, sorry it’s so long. I don’t even know what I’m asking for. I don’t want to split up. I still love him. I feel like a failure and I’m so embarrassed. I feel like an idiot. I cry every day. He says I need to talk to someone rather than keep torturing myself about it on my own. I’ve told very few people because of feeling like such a failure. I can’t even face his parents (who are furious with him) and they’re lovely people. I just don’t know how I can get othrough this. I can’t imagine my life without him - I feel like my whole future has gone.