Dead marriage

[BlueSherbet]

Hi, im not sure if I want advice on this or just want to get it off my chest.

I am in a dead marriage. By that I mean my OH has completely withdrawn from it, but without articulating any reason(s), even when asked.

First it was the social side in terms of doing things together / date nights etc. I remember having to go to dinner parties or nights out alone, really lousy. And now for years we very rarely do anything together - not even special occasions like valentines / anniversary will produce any effort or interest. Lost count of how many times I made suggestions, to get KBd. I could not recall any suggestion / ideas from then, going back many years.

On the other hand we sometimes still do stuff for family birthdays, so its clearly the former relationship which was the issue.

Then it was the intimacy. - it was never anything to write home about, nor particularly frequent, but it made me feel close to them and so that for worthwhile for me, at least. Its been nearly 6 years since we slept together, yet we are still only in our 40s.

I realise there will obviously be a time when any partner / person feels they no longer have any interest in sex, but I would have thought it to be a bit older than in your 40s. I am pretty young at heart - still consider myself young in general - and so I find it particularly difficult, to live as if we are very elderly.

A few years ago, I raised the fact that I felt very lonely and wanted to understand why things seemed in a rut and wanted to work to improve things. OH didnt offer so much as a syllable in response, though they did use that time to announce no sex going forward. They said this "might help" though not what with.

I think I have been kidding myself on for a few years now, hoping / thinking things will somehow get better, though its hard to fix things if you dont know what the problem is.

Its only recently I have really realised just how poorly I feel I am being treated. Imagine telling your partner you are lonely, to get no response. Imagine suggesting a valentines dinner, to be told "no". Its really sh*t isnt it? very humiliating.

We have kids and so is this it, do I just need to tolerate this until they have grown up ./ left home? I wouldn't ever inflict a broken home on them. Our home circumstances are mostly amicable - OH and I are actually quite a good team wrt work, chores, childcare etc - except that there is no relationship at all and we are just housemates / co-parents.

However, I do not think OH enjoys family life and is not cut out for it. Judging by not infrequent moaning and occasional conflict with older kids. Yes, its busy and tiring, but also rewarding / satisfying.

OH has the demeanour of someone who is down a coal mine 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week, yet in reality works only part time and has a long weekend, every weekend.

As OH has withdrawn in these ways I have mentioned, so ultimately too have i - and I am now often cold towards them. OH still does bedtime / goodbye kisses et - why, I dont know -, but its meaningless to me. Stuff like hugs, holding hands etc is a vague memory.

I dont really want to be here, in truth. OH has become the most boring person I know and adds nothing to my life. But as I say, the kids and their welfare come first, so I wont blow up their happy world. I find lots of consolation in the kids, of course, and so still have a great source of happiness.

A marriage is a living thing and needs to be nurtured - im not saying I am perfect, but OH simply hasnt done that. Its like anything else, what you get out is a reflection of what you put in.

This valentines I spent a lot on card/gifts etc, to get a sub-£1 supermarket card in return. Its not the value thats important, and I dont give just to receive, but I think that disparity is the perfect example of our contrasting interest and effort levels wrt our former relationship.

I am positive there is no affair in play (for one thing, like everything else, it would be too much effort for OH) its just that they seem to take pleasure in nothing and resent everything, which is obv incompatible with family life where its about give and take and putting others first. The one thing they seem to enjoy is watching rubbish on TV.

Im not really inclined to try to speak about it again, I feel I was treated badly and humiliated last time after opening up to get nothing in response. I am someone who would have done anything to make a marriage work, but it needs both parties to be interested.

So thats it. Can anyone relate to this situation,from either perspective? Thanks.

Are you married to him?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?
Kindly put this is already broken beyond repair and you have stayed with him and put up with his nonsense for your own self based reasons.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here from you both? You do not want to be there either and the kids will pick up on that. I dare say all your kids know far more about the parlous state of your relationship than either of you care to realise. Someone needs to be the grown up here and start the process of separation rather than misplacing in feeling ever more resentful. These young people are not glue nor should be used as such to bind you and he together.

Staying for the sake of the kids is not in their interests at all. You’re teaching them that your relationship is based on a lie and this is a terrible burden to place on them. You’re showing them that a loving and or happy relationship is not their birthright. This is patently not the relationship model to be showing them.

. Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one.

End the marriage. Be on your own, find yourself then attract a man who can’t keep his hands off you & makes you feel like someone!!
your still young enough to start again.

And you are in your 40s. It is not too late to start over and you really do not went to do that when you are say 5-10 years older than you are now. What a waste of time for you all.

The kids are indeed likely happy day to day and do not want to see you upset but they absolutely know something is badly amiss here between you and their dad. You cannot hide this from them. They pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you two. Would again urge you to stop showing them such a poor example of a relationship.

If we asked your spouse, would they say you are are a good team in terms of childcare and housework, or do they feel like the balance is wrong? How about emotional labour, life admin etc? I’m not making any assumptions, but these are very common reasons for marriages to lose their sparkle, especially when there are young children involved.

Time to move on OP.

It’s not about breaking up your family, it’s about teaching your children how to aim for happiness in their lives.

interestingly I don’t read this as a woman writing about a man - not that any of that matters. If you’re unhappy and genuinely tried to fix it with no hope of recovery then cut your losses.

You only get one life - don’t waste it

Are you a man? Are you really pulling your weight? Or are you leaving most of it to her and kidding yourself.

@NiftyGreenBiscuit, I'm sure @BlueSherbet will want to thank you for this perceptive angle on their plight.

@BlueSherbet : the fact that you were able to give such a clear account of your marriage indicates you've poured a lot of energy into trying to understand your situation. You've done what you can, and now it's time to put yourself first.

🤣

Sounds awful and grindingly sad, definitely don't stay for the kids - you will not be role modeling a healthy relationship for them.

Why have you neglected mentioning the sex of your partner? Are you a man and your partner a woman (kids are mentioned so I assumed heterosexual relationship but could of course be wrong). It’s annoying when posts are unnecessarily vague as it feels like you’re trying to engineer responses to be a certain way.

I left my first husband after 25 years because of boredom.

I remarried and had a fantastic 25 years with him, until he died.

If you want to leave, then go for it.

He/she hasn't 'neglected' to mention their partner's sex, it's obviously an intentional omission.

Your children would be better off in a happy home with a single happy mum than with an unhappy mum in an unhappy empty marriage. Don't think that children don't notice a lack of warmth and intimacy between their parents. They are learning from you both the blueprint for relationships. Would you want your children to stay with a partner who didn't care about them?

You speak about a “broken home” like it’s the Victorian era. It’s half of all households ie the norm. The kids will be fine.

Your spouse does not like, love or respect you. And life is too short to live under the same roof as that.

There’s a lot of bitterness and restrained nastiness in your op - “like everything else it would be too much effort” “the one thing they seem to enjoy is watching rubbish on Tv” etc.
I don’t buy for one second that your “OH” has gone off you for no good reason.

Slightly odd to try and avoid not specifying if you’re a man or woman, or if you’re in a same sex relationship. For what it’s worth I think you’re the husband.

In a long term relationship with children involved it’s obviously worth trying to turn things around. Would you consider therapy. You have listed a lot of negatives about your spouse. What are the positives?

When you met, pre children did you laugh about the same things, share political views, like each others friends and family. Do you have family support to enable some child free time.

You say you are a good team domestically so that’s one good thing. Who does most of the school runs, homework, play dates, sport/ music/ drama activities, laundry, gardening, pet care. Do you have family holidays how are they?
What are the positives and negatives you bring?

I may be wrong but as your spouse has made a decision to not have sex any more, unless there’s a medical reason, the most likely justifications are:

• Tiredness and daily responsibilities - you say they work part time and every other w/e? Do they do most of the family and house organising and child rearing as well?
• Hurt and disconnection- Do they feel unappreciated and unvalued as you appear to as well. Feeling disrespected which comes through in your post prevents spouses from feeling emotionally safe enough for sex.
•Resentment- you seem angry over your unmet needs but what about theirs? I wonder if they would say there’s unequal division of household labour, or past criticisms and arguments that have damaged the relationship?

I’m going to take a stab at long term resentment due to uneven distribution of childcare / mental load. Why does your OH work part time? Health issues or because primary carer to kids? (Or both.)

i suspect you are not looking back far enough to find the root of the issues. I agree, though: it sounds dead to me. Given that is the case, what do you want from here?

Yup I agree @TwoFishBlue. I think a therapist may ask them both to list what they do appreciate about the other as resentment appears to have become embedded, likely on both sides.

I suspect you've been a shite husband and she's got the major ick.

You're a man with a woman who doesn't want sex with you, aren't you?

She's exhausted from caring from the house and the kids and working. And you think you pull your weight at home but don't.

• I not think OH enjoys family life and is not cut out for it. Judging by not infrequent moaning and occasional conflict with older kids. Yes, its busy and tiring, but also rewarding / satisfying.
• OH has the demeanour of someone who is down a coal mine 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week, yet in reality works only part time and has a long weekend, every weekend.
• I am now often cold towards them.
• OH still does bedtime / goodbye kisses et - why, I dont know -, but *its meaningless to me
• I dont really want to be here, in truth.
• OH has become the most boring person I know
• adds nothing to my life.
• A marriage is a living thing and needs to be nurtured - im not saying I am perfect, but OH simply hasnt done that.
• This valentines I spent a lot on card/gifts etc, to get a sub-£1 supermarket card in return.
• I am positive there is no affair in play
• they seem to take pleasure in nothing and resent everything
• The one thing they seem to enjoy is watching rubbish on TV.

Put her out of her misery and leave. You don't like her. You think you do more than her. The things she does do aren't enough. You mock her.

And if the gender balance is in reverse, the same statement applies.

And no, finding sex outside your marriage isn't acceptable.

@leopardandspots

Slightly odd to try and avoid not specifying if you’re a man or woman, or if you’re in a same sex relationship. For what it’s worth I think you’re the husband.

Agree. He's trying to avoid getting a viper attack. But the answer is the same whether he's husband or wife, hetero or same sex. He's been a shit partner and the chickens are coming home to roost.

I'm on the partner's side. She sounds severely depressed and although she loves him she's had enough of his shit (which he has totally neglected to include in his tirade against her).

It’s also unkind to say your spouse has become boring and adds nothing to your life.
Are you really exciting then and add lots to theirs?

Like others, I suspect we're not getting the full story here, and that the sex of the partner isn't being concealed purely for reasons of privacy.

That makes it feel pointless to comment, other than to say this: talk of a "broken home" in 2026 is ridiculous. It is obvious that unhappy parents make an unhappy home, and that you provide a much healthier example to your children by moving on than by staying in a relationship that isn't working.

The idea that divorce is innately harmful is such an old-fashioned idea that it only reinforces the idea you're not being honest- including with yourself- about what your marriage has actually been like and why your OH might have withdrawn. You've talked about being"a good team", but was the division of labour equal, or at least fair? Did they have to give up more than you did to have a family? Are they financially less able to be independent as a result, and did you sit back and passively allow this because it benefitted you?

I would start asking yourself these questions, even if you aren't going to give honest answers here.

What’s with all the gender-ambiguous posts recently where the OP disappears as soon as anyone asks them to clarify the gender of people involved including themselves? I wonder if it’s all the same person doing some research into gender bias.