Dead marriage

[BlueSherbet]

Hi, im not sure if I want advice on this or just want to get it off my chest.

I am in a dead marriage. By that I mean my OH has completely withdrawn from it, but without articulating any reason(s), even when asked.

First it was the social side in terms of doing things together / date nights etc. I remember having to go to dinner parties or nights out alone, really lousy. And now for years we very rarely do anything together - not even special occasions like valentines / anniversary will produce any effort or interest. Lost count of how many times I made suggestions, to get KBd. I could not recall any suggestion / ideas from then, going back many years.

On the other hand we sometimes still do stuff for family birthdays, so its clearly the former relationship which was the issue.

Then it was the intimacy. - it was never anything to write home about, nor particularly frequent, but it made me feel close to them and so that for worthwhile for me, at least. Its been nearly 6 years since we slept together, yet we are still only in our 40s.

I realise there will obviously be a time when any partner / person feels they no longer have any interest in sex, but I would have thought it to be a bit older than in your 40s. I am pretty young at heart - still consider myself young in general - and so I find it particularly difficult, to live as if we are very elderly.

A few years ago, I raised the fact that I felt very lonely and wanted to understand why things seemed in a rut and wanted to work to improve things. OH didnt offer so much as a syllable in response, though they did use that time to announce no sex going forward. They said this "might help" though not what with.

I think I have been kidding myself on for a few years now, hoping / thinking things will somehow get better, though its hard to fix things if you dont know what the problem is.

Its only recently I have really realised just how poorly I feel I am being treated. Imagine telling your partner you are lonely, to get no response. Imagine suggesting a valentines dinner, to be told "no". Its really sh*t isnt it? very humiliating.

We have kids and so is this it, do I just need to tolerate this until they have grown up ./ left home? I wouldn't ever inflict a broken home on them. Our home circumstances are mostly amicable - OH and I are actually quite a good team wrt work, chores, childcare etc - except that there is no relationship at all and we are just housemates / co-parents.

However, I do not think OH enjoys family life and is not cut out for it. Judging by not infrequent moaning and occasional conflict with older kids. Yes, its busy and tiring, but also rewarding / satisfying.

OH has the demeanour of someone who is down a coal mine 12 hrs a day, 6 days a week, yet in reality works only part time and has a long weekend, every weekend.

As OH has withdrawn in these ways I have mentioned, so ultimately too have i - and I am now often cold towards them. OH still does bedtime / goodbye kisses et - why, I dont know -, but its meaningless to me. Stuff like hugs, holding hands etc is a vague memory.

I dont really want to be here, in truth. OH has become the most boring person I know and adds nothing to my life. But as I say, the kids and their welfare come first, so I wont blow up their happy world. I find lots of consolation in the kids, of course, and so still have a great source of happiness.

A marriage is a living thing and needs to be nurtured - im not saying I am perfect, but OH simply hasnt done that. Its like anything else, what you get out is a reflection of what you put in.

This valentines I spent a lot on card/gifts etc, to get a sub-£1 supermarket card in return. Its not the value thats important, and I dont give just to receive, but I think that disparity is the perfect example of our contrasting interest and effort levels wrt our former relationship.

I am positive there is no affair in play (for one thing, like everything else, it would be too much effort for OH) its just that they seem to take pleasure in nothing and resent everything, which is obv incompatible with family life where its about give and take and putting others first. The one thing they seem to enjoy is watching rubbish on TV.

Im not really inclined to try to speak about it again, I feel I was treated badly and humiliated last time after opening up to get nothing in response. I am someone who would have done anything to make a marriage work, but it needs both parties to be interested.

So thats it. Can anyone relate to this situation,from either perspective? Thanks.

You are using the kids as excuses to stay put, and not face change op. They wouldn’t want either of you to be unhappy and believe me they know you are. Time to split - life is short and you could be happy, think about that!

You sound like you don't like each other much.

If you don't share or value the small intimacies of kisses etc, then how you would expect there to be sex, I don't know.

Is it really "for the kids" when this is the model of relationships you're giving them? Or is really your own fear of change, inertia and not wanting to divide assets?

Oh we’ve not seen a man posting that his wife isn’t having sex with him for a couple of weeks now

Hi,

Thank you to those who posted worthwhile replies asking reasonable questions etc. I will try to answer some of them.

I am disappointed that some other posts are little more than vindictive, infantile sexist poison, but I suppose that's the nature of the internet.

To address some common points which came up:

(i) I am indeed a man - I had not started out trying to "conceal" my sex - why would I do that?

I had just started using the usual style of "OH" etc for my post. I actually realised during it that I had not explicitly stated I was a man, but I left it as is - rather than have to go back and change it all.

I honestly didn't think it was especially pertinent if I was a man or woman, I thought the important points to consider where the issues I mentioned from my perspective?!

I mean, why would the response to any of these change based only on my sex? That doesn't seem reasonable to me.

(ii) I do indeed make a proper contribution at home - I said that explicitly in my OP, so perhaps disappointing to have several people immediately question that.

What do I have to gain by lying to anonymous strangers on the internet? (or by lying to myself?)

I have always viewed OH as a partner, not as a servant. I don't know any man of my generation who thinks differently.

Today, a saturday, I have had the kids all day, did the washing up after dinner, did the kids bath time and currently have the first of two loads of washing on which I will do and hang up this evening, if you are interested. 😆

i am afraid if posts have been vindictive they may be responding to the resentful tone you used about your wife though:

• She is boring.
• She’s withdrawn from the relationship (for no reason?)
• She shows little interest in anniversaries, Valentine’s Day or date nights.
• She stated there would be no sex going forward.
• She doesn’t engage with nurturing the marriage.
• She moans about the children and watches crap tv.

You haven’t answered if she has any positives? What did you originally love about her?

OP: Do you want to save the marriage or are you gathering up the will to leave?

What are you looking for from your post?

The former will be really hard and both you and your W will need to be open and willing to communicate properly and address past hurts and actually want a future together. If you want the latter, enough already. It doesn’t make your W the bad guy (nor does it make you the bad guy either).

@BlueSherbet - it does sound like your marriage (as a marriage) is over. Whatever the cause of the breakdown in your emotional and physical intimacy, it’s been 6 years and your wife seems to be fine with it so there’s no obvious way back. DH and I are quite a lot older than you and still have sex; as far as i’m aware, most of my friends of a similar age do also. So yes, 40s is very early to give that up unless (as happens) both partners are happy with the decision.

Terms like “broken home” are really judgemental and unhelpful as well as being inaccurate. Some of the most functional families i know are families where the parents are divorced but co-parenting sensibly and co-operatively. I have known a number of really emotionally fucked up people who grew up in homes where deeply unhappy and resentful parents stayed together. With divorce, there can be 2 very secure and flourishing homes.

You already know that you co-parent well despite a lack of connection between you. If your wife is clear there will be no further intimacy between you, perhaps you could talk to her about opening up your relationship.

I can relate 💯.we have kids and 50 now.intimacy dwindles years ago to may be once a year if lucky.i have told him i am lonely.i live in a houseful of kids and him yet i feel like the loneliest person in the world.no response.then i go on you never hold my hand come near me,etc and we are more like flatmates,etc etc and will go on for a bit and he just stares blankly at the tv or gets very annoyed.so i leave it and say nothing and carry on.then i can’t stand it anymore and get annoyed by him thinking why should i have to live like this.i have become cold towards him too,i think it just makes you like that in the end.the only thing i ever get is a peck on the cheek goodbye every morning before work.in tears now as i usually blank it out.my dad leaving when i was three had a big effect on me.i don’t want that for my kids.hugs to you xxx

@BlueSherbetOf course you tried to conceal your wife’s sex- who calls their partner “they” (unless it’s their chosen pronoun blah blah blah) 🙄

Another common response was suggesting I should not be concerned with the effect of separation on the kids.

Just because "broken homes" are very common these days doesn't mean that its acceptable or not harmful to kids.

Its well established kids do best when they are raised by their biological mother and father, in a stable environment. This mostly - but not always - means married parents.

(There are all kinds of movements who seek to undermine this obvious principle today, but they certainly are not thinking of the kids).

Obviously sometimes separation would be the obvious thing - e.g. in a violent or abusive relationship - but there is no such driver here.

Our home is an amicable, stable, low-conflict environment where they have been thriving.

My relationship problems do not impinge on them - maybe when they are older they would realise their parents are not close, but they are only small kids right now, blissfully unaware of issues in the wider world.

Its not right to up end their lives, for my own selfish reasons. When kids are on the scene, they always come first imo.

But you've come here for advice. Then don't like what you hear. Why bother?