Is he too nice? Or do I have to accept that I have a certain type and stick to it...

[SunshineOnIslington]

I'm 40, no kids, never married and been navigating dating (online and IRL) for a while with absolutely no luck. Matched with someone online recently who wasn't my usual physical type (I usually go for tall, gym bunny types - he's 5ft8 and slim) but ticked all my other boxes - attractive, local, decent job - and who sent me such a lovely opening line that I matched with him. Been on a few dates and we get on really well, he seems to like me a lot, and he's just really, really nice.

The problem I have is that although I do find him physically attractive, the urge just isn't there for me. I don't look at him and feel like I want to rip his clothes off (and I genuinely feel like I've had that in all my previous relationships). He's just...nice....safe...I don't know...

We've also just recently had sex for the first time. Although I could see he was quite slightly built from his photos, I wasn't prepared around just how actually thin he looks without clothes on. I'm only 5ft2 and a size 6 myself, but he genuinely looked frail. He openly admits he doesn't eat enough as he's always so busy, plus his job is very very active and he works long hours, but it's given me 'the ick' slightly (hate that phrase normally but seems appropriate)

Is there any point trying to continue? Do slow burn physical relationships ever work? (I have no complaints about the sex by the way but again it just feels very polite compared to what I'm used to in a new relationship!)

It takes years of under-eating to remain as skinny as he sounds.
Seasonal or temporary changes in his work pattern didn't cause this and won't solve this. What is to stop him eating during, before or after work? He just doesn't prioritise it.
He is a man who doesn't feed himself, he wants to be fed (by a mummy-figure with big boobs).
If you are not a mother-earth type who loves cooking, this match won't work.

I think it’s important to be attracted to your partner. Along with the comment he made about going to Turkey, I’d be dumping him.

Re: thin - he clearly doesn’t lift weight but by the sounds of it you don’t either. Seems a bit shallow to value muscle unless it’s something you are also working on.

However. Think the boob thing is a red flag though. I mean how would he take if if you say you like big muscles / pecs.

@MeridaBrave I do use weights but not with the intention of bulking up. I also do Pilates and various forms of cardio. I am very slim and small framed but I work at staying this way. My ex was 6ft2 and 16 stone of complete muscle

I don't think you can really complain about the boob comment when you don't like his body for shallow reasons

Big muscles and pecs for a man is industry standard nowadays. It would seem like you think hes ok,but only ok. No, itll end soon enough. End it now whilst hes not too kind ot nice. Tell him you want a "real man". He know what you mean

You need to go and find a man who you really want 6ft plus, built like a concrete house, able to smash people in dont sing the national anthem everyday, disorder issues perhaps someone with a tag on after being inside. Hes been bad, but one day he'll change.

She absolutely can complain about the boob comment, because he made a point of making that comment to her knowing full well it would make her feel like she isn't good enough. He's had a few dates with her and he's suggesting she has surgery to please him.

She isn't telling him 'Ew, you're a weakling, can't you get pectoral implants or bulk up with steroids?'

She is mulling over, in private, whether it's reasonable to have a sexual relationship with a man she doesn't find sexually attractive.

If this man doesn't find her attractive, he doesn't have to date her either, and that would be perfectly reasonable of him. What isn't reasonable is to date someone and start telling them straight away that they'd rather they had a completely different body that is only attainable through major surgery.

The Boob comment would put me right off even if it was 'a joke.' That's what most men say when they want to criticise you. He's really not that nice OP.

It's perfectly possible to find someone who is tall and muscular and a perfectly decent bloke, and it's insane to suggest otherwise.

There are a billion and one threads on Mumsnet from women whose marriages are miserable as hell because they married someone they didn't actually fancy that much because he seemed like a nice enough bloke and they wanted kids, only to find that once the kids have arrived, they're dreading having to fuck him because they don't fancy him, and he's understandably not keen to remain in a sexless relationship for the rest of his life.

It's incredible that women tell each other all the time that they need to settle for someone they don't really fancy just because he's nice, or for someone who isn't nice just because he's rich, or whatever. Some of you really need to raise your bar.

I don’t think it works if the sexual chemistry isn’t there. In the beginning, there’s enough novelty and general loveliness to balance it out, but when you settle in long enough to have discovered each others annoying habits and personality shortcomings, you need a bit of spark.

It’s good to push out of your comfort zone but I don’t think this one is your guy.

As long as the boobs thing was a joke he sounds OK. If you usually go for men mountains most normal men would look skinny, he may just be naturally slim which will be a boon when all the muscle men have gone to fat and paunchy.

Did you tell him he's too skinny and you like muscular men? If so the body type complaints are both ways and could just be banter. Give it more time to really figure out how much you really like each other despite neither apparently being the perfect physical match for each other.

Feeling attracted to someone you’re sleeping with is a bare minimum. It’s not shallow at all, and nobody would expect men to continue with someone they didn’t like in that way - yet as women we’re expected to do exactly that. I’m single, have been for years, but for me to want to change that I would absolutely want to be super attracted to them otherwise what’s the point? That person is then a friend.

Mumsnet is full of people who were eventually disappointed with their partners. The perfect man and great sex turns out to be a serial philanderer, the nice guy turns out to be abusive. You get very few success stories on here mainly because they are not causing problems and divorces.

Sometimes it's good to give things a go out of your usual type but if the attraction isn't there you can't force it. There's nothing wrong with not finding someone attractive, it doesn't mean you're at fault.

I really really wouldn't like the stuff he's said about your chest. That would be a no from me. I don't think he's as nice as you say he is. And I couldn't have a relationship with someone who doesn't care about feeding himself but will happily eat food you provide. That's basic self care. What else does he neglect?

The whole thing is a big no from me.

I think it depends on what you want. Do you want to get married and have children or do you want to prioritise your sex life?

I used to be a slim size 8 (5'6" tall) but 2 babies and 15 years later I'm a 14/16 with saggy everything. Bodies change and I'd be devastated if my DP cashed me in because I didn't look how he wants me to look.

I won't tell you when I last had sex or went to the gym.

Luckily we get on well and our personalities and values are similar. Otherwise we'd be doomed!

@Rubbleonthedouble2 I'd still like to settle down and get married one day but I've had a hysterectomy after severe endometriosis and I'd quite like to have the rampant sex life I could never have due always being in so much pain! I've slept with two men since my hysterectomy - one was a complete non-starter (quite literally) but my last relationship the sex was incredibly. He was very tall and muscular and tbh I found it a turn on that he was so physically domineering, especially in bed. Sorry if that's TMI! So this is quite the opposite... except the roles are reversed in that my ex was a prick, and this guy doesn't seem to be...

Ah, throw this one back then.

Have you tried dating younger?

Do you fancy him?

@ForRedShark I do find him attractive, like when we're talking I do look at him and think things like 'wow you've got gorgeous eyes' but I don't want to rip his clothes off...

@Rubbleonthedouble2 younger usually want children though, and not a prematurely aging menopausal woman! (Despite how much I try and take care of myself)

Yep, its testing your boundaries to see what he can get away with....

Storytime! I got chatting to a lad at work 4 years ago about a shared holiday destination we’d been on and he asked me out. I’m goth and have always gone for tall alternative tattooed men and he is short, slim and into his sports, brands and hip hop. We went on a date and had a lovely time. I told my friend the next day (also worked there and knew him) who frowned and said “ oh he’s a bit short? Doesn’t seem your type at all”
I got in my own head about how we’d look ridiculous together and cancelled the second date. But we chatted from time to time and he said cmon then are we going to go out again?

Fast forward and we marry in November and have a beautiful 10 month old girl. I went from he’s not my type, we don’t match, the attractions not there, to thinking he’s the sexiest man alive because I fell in love with who he was.

it might be worth giving it time, you never know

I really love being single (I'm not) because I enjoy my own company and never feel lonely, so if I wasn't really into someone in all ways I wouldn't carry it on.

I'm surprised at the comments - you're right at the beginning and lacking in chemistry. You should end it.

Sorry, I just saw the Turkey bit and thought he was making a joke about men getting hair and teeth and women getting boobs or a facelift. If I had a boyfriend who was into big muscles and took artificial enhancements, or who had unnaturally white teeth, I might make a joke about going somewhere where this was famous for and say ‘you could get bigger muscles or even more glow in the dark pearly whites’ as that is obviously what they are into. Just depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

I think if you don’t want to rip their clothes off at this stage, I’m not I could be bothered!