Is he too nice? Or do I have to accept that I have a certain type and stick to it...

[SunshineOnIslington]

I'm 40, no kids, never married and been navigating dating (online and IRL) for a while with absolutely no luck. Matched with someone online recently who wasn't my usual physical type (I usually go for tall, gym bunny types - he's 5ft8 and slim) but ticked all my other boxes - attractive, local, decent job - and who sent me such a lovely opening line that I matched with him. Been on a few dates and we get on really well, he seems to like me a lot, and he's just really, really nice.

The problem I have is that although I do find him physically attractive, the urge just isn't there for me. I don't look at him and feel like I want to rip his clothes off (and I genuinely feel like I've had that in all my previous relationships). He's just...nice....safe...I don't know...

We've also just recently had sex for the first time. Although I could see he was quite slightly built from his photos, I wasn't prepared around just how actually thin he looks without clothes on. I'm only 5ft2 and a size 6 myself, but he genuinely looked frail. He openly admits he doesn't eat enough as he's always so busy, plus his job is very very active and he works long hours, but it's given me 'the ick' slightly (hate that phrase normally but seems appropriate)

Is there any point trying to continue? Do slow burn physical relationships ever work? (I have no complaints about the sex by the way but again it just feels very polite compared to what I'm used to in a new relationship!)

Yes, it can work, you need to give it a bit of time. I married someone who wasn't my usual type and 25 years later he is still the kindest and most decent person I know. Love grew (though by the time he proposed i was sold!)

If he’s genuine that’s worth a lot. Love does grow and IME lust comes with love. Someone who talks the time to make sure you are having a good time is much better than a gym bunny who’s more interested in appearances.

Well I definitely would give it more time.

To be honest, its pretty bad to bin someone off because you didn't like how they looked without their clothes on for one.

Love definitely can grow and who knows where this could go?

Don't overanalyse everything and just go with the flow. Enjoy dating him for a while and see if your thoughts and feelings change or not.

The new few weeks should give you a clearer picture as to whether this is a no go or not.

He sounds lovely, decent and kind is worth a lot. The alternative is to go for your usual conventionally attractive types but it doesn't sound like that's worked out in the past.

I'm older now but in my younger days I always discounted the genuine guys as too nice and boring and preferred the hotter 'bad boy' types. I regret that, my life would have been much better with a kinder, caring partner.

Personally I would give it longer if he is a great person and treats you well.

But if you cam dump anyone for any reason and if you actually like guy bunnies and they treat you well and that's what you are into go for it.

Thank you everyone, this is the sort of thing I needed to hear. I'm far too quick to make impulsive decisions when it comes to relationships (often jumping in too quickly which is the opposite to this situation!). And yes, the gym bunnies have not worked out. But to look at me that would be the type of man you'd pair me with I suppose as I very much subscribe to the fake boobs, Botox, and filler look (although still think they're all on the more natural side of thing...for now)

I suppose I should have put it in here but the only things other than this that are making me reconsider is how busy we both are which means it's hard to find time for each other.... oh and the fact he said that next time he goes to Turkey to play golf I could come too and get my boobs done bigger! (I wasn't sure how to take that, I mean I'm a 32DD already and my surgeon refused to go any bigger on my frame so I'll take his reputable word for it!)

Maybe give it time and step back the physical side for a bit? If hes genuinely nice he'll understand if you want to take things slow. Is it that hes naturally thin or is he poorly thin? Longevity wise arent the gym bunnies usually the kind of guys who date steadily younger and younger women? Does he make you feel emotionally safe and connected and happy?

He sounds lovely… I wish I could go back in time and slap myself for turning town the nice dependable sweet guy for thinking he was too nice … silly girl - I still see him around and a dependable nice family man … could have been me but no I had to go for the lumberjack looking man who is now as useless as the beard in his face!! - thank you for my vent-

But I just saw the boobs comment post and now I think your wrong about him being nice

Same. Sounded nice but the boobs comment is well off. I would have ditched him off already. Nobody needs that in the early stages of a relationship.

I think that was a joke as he knows she’s already got fake boobs. He was making a joke himself about teeth. That’s the trouble when you hear things out of context.

I’m going to against the norm here as I think initial sexual attraction is very important to me. I don’t have a type, all my partners have been very different, but have always had strong sexual attraction. I still have it now with my husband and we have been together for ages!

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas this was literally me with my first ever serious relationship - I ended it as he was just too nice and dependable and not exciting - and now look where I am 22 years later! He's been with someone since just after we broke up, married, solid family man. Although I did meet his boss at an event who remarked he was the most boring man she'd ever met so not sure I could have stuck it out all of those years!

@Strandas he didn't mention teeth 😂It was meant as a joke and I'm not massively offended it just didn't land very well. I wonder if he's somewhere writing a similar post about wanting a woman with bigger boobs...

I didn't see anything about teeth. Seems like a bit of negging to me. Not a normal thing to say early on to a person your only getting to know.

He doesn't sound perfect for you OP. But... you've been single for a while, and realistically the dating thing gets harder when you're in your 40s. Personally I'd give this guy a chance and see how it goes.

Try cooking him a meal, or even just going to a good restaurant, and see if he enjoys eating when it is put in front of him, or whether he is a picky under-eater and the 'not having time' thing is just an excuse.

If he eats well when it is cooked for him, and you love cooking, it could work out.

I think the boob comment was a real red flag. Hes negging you because youre out of his league appearance wise and he can probably sense you dont really fancy him. I'd throw this one back OP

@StandingDeskDisco he always eats a fair bit when we go out. I don't mind cooking but am not great at it, he has had a takeaway at mine though too and ate 3/4 of a medium pizza to himself. I genuinely think it's his job a lot of the time, and the nature of his work means it should quieten down a lot in the winter - he's peak busy right now

How busy we both are which means it's hard to find time for each other....

I think this is actually a red flag. When I met my.husvsnd we were very bust but found the time because we wanted to.
Sometime thst would be 1 drink at london Bridge on a Monday or something weird.

oh and the fact he said that next time he goes to Turkey to play golf I could come too and get my boobs done bigger!

Presumably a joke? But not.great

He sounds like a very nice man but if the sparks not there, it's not there. You don't find him physically attractive, that's not shallow, I think it's pretty essential!

You seem to have a type which hasn’t worked In the past. However if your gut is saying no then listen. I would call him out on the boob job although I suppose most blokes would assume if women are having a boob job they would want maximum enlargement. But ask him? Otherwise what is he like? Does he have nice mates?

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp He's not usually free until after 8 on a night (hoping this may change as the nights get darker) and I go to bed at 9 as I'm up at 530 for work, so that makes things more difficult.

@IwouldlikeanewTV I've not met any of his mates yet, due to work he doesn't seem to have much of a social life (but his job is very social). He is very open about the fact he would like me to have absolutely massive boobs as he is a 'boob man'. Personally given that my reputable UK surgeon wouldn't make them any bigger (I asked) and they turned out at a 32DD on my small frame, I'd say that was plenty!!!

You've only been on a few dates with this man and he's openly criticising your boobs and telling you they should be bigger? I'd have dumped him for that alone.

He's not as nice as you think he is. Seriously. Combined with the fact that you don't find him physically attractive, I would ditch him pronto.

If this man who wants you to potentially have a risky surgery to satisfy his sexual urges is “nice,” it makes me wonder what your past relationships were like. Maybe I’m missing something here.

I was kind of on his side until this..

Why don’t you suggest he gets some implants added too, you know, so that he doesn’t have the body of a 14 year old boy