Why are some men and women so scared of being alone?

[bluebirdsandblueskies]

I am a single parent and have been single for six years with a ten year old daughter. I have been on a few dates here and there and could go on more but also refuse to waste time or settle for someone just for companionship.

My ex recently shared he had been seeing someone. He said it had been really stressful the past 9 months they’ve been dating (think due to a possible health concern on her part), she doesn’t seem happy as she wants to spend more time with him but obviously our daughter is his priority (they haven’t met) and he’s said to her if she’s not happy she can walk away. Apparently she doesn’t want to walk away. I didn’t ask for this information my ex just offered it up to me, adding she’d been in a twenty year marriage and has older teens. He didn’t seem overly into the relationship. Which has left me wondering - why are people so needy? Why are they both together? He doesn’t seem to be able to offer her what she really wants? why would you settle again after twenty years in a failed marriage.

And he doesn’t seem to want to commit more to her? But obviously likes the companionship. Are people that scared to be on their own? Or have I just been single for so long I won’t settle and actually companionship, even if it doesn’t tick many boxes, is more important than being alone?

Maybe its across both sexes. But I've known a lot of men over the years in completely unsuitable relationships where they're happy to put up with all sorts of shit because having occasional sex is better than none at all.

I hate the idea of being alone, having to deal with everything myself, not having someone to share everything with. I'm not scared of being alone or doing things alone - I often go away alone - but I certainly prefer not to be alone permanently.

@holduppi have a really great group of friends, so perhaps I don’t feel this fear so much. I’m also really great at making friends wherever I go. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I would love to have someone to chat with and help out day to day and financial support would be a god send! But to settle for mediocre companionship - it’s not the one for me!

@GingerPubesyou can sniff the needy men out a mile away on dating apps! They are the ones k rent to avoid. I’m sure you have the same with women. I also stay away from anyone who has been single a short amount of time - it screams issues!

I disagree with some of this - I too value peace, freedom and independence - I eat what I want, go where I want etc, however I also have a loving partner. My happiness is my responsibility as is my negative emotions. He helps me and I help him. But we also help ourselves. Finding that type of partner is the best, but being single and open to the potential of finding someone (or not) is a fine place to be too.

Being happy single or in a relationship isn't about your relationship status - it's about you and your awareness of self. If I was dumped tomorrow, would I be sad and hurt YES, but I have enough confidence in myself that I'll be ok. That isn't about whether I 'need' to be in a relationship or not either.

Regular sex can be gotten when single so it's definitely not that either. Now, good sex, that's rarer lol.

I'd like to politely challenge your thinking about being single a 'short amount of time' - how short are we talking? A few days/weeks/months - single for 5 months screams issues but 6 months is ok? It's person dependent isn't it? Say you meet a man on a dating app and he's been single a couple of months after his divorce. However, he's been in a room mate type marriage for years before then. There are no left over feelings for his ex, he's sorted his living situation and sees his kids etc. So on paper, a potential good date? But he's needy because he's only been single for a couple of months?

There are many shades of grey that blanket statements aren't really applicable.

Surely if you're going on dates you also fall into the category of being scared of being alone?

@Tigeresslearnsi have been in relationships and i have dated. The most successful relationships have always been when both a parties have come together from a place of wanting to find someone not needing to find someone. To me if you jump from one relationship to the next, you don’t give yourself anytime to heal and bring a lot of baggage from the previous relationship into the next one.

Your post comes across as a bit judgey, ultimately its on your ex to prioritise his child whether or not he is in a relationship.

I do know people who struggle to be single but I also find people banging on about being 'happily single' a little bit odd too. Both extremes - being too willing and too unwilling - to commit seem to be trauma responses in many cases. I'm single and happy but equally i am very open to meeting someone who brings value to my life. I feel in a good place but dont need to advocate it, each to their own.

You only have your exes side of the story here - easy to blame her for being needy but maybe he is saying different things to you and to her. Prioritising contact with his child over other things, including relationships, is 100% his responsibility imo

@NowStartingOveri haven’t been on a date for years. I’m not aaying relationships are bad I’m questioning why people settle for bare minimum, something that doesn’t really satisfy them etc just to not be alone.

@mamajongI've said about three times he is to blame. But she also seems needy too but the responsibility is 100% his. He’s chaotic! Just had me wondering why she’d want to be with someone whose life does not align to hers and she wants more than he can give!

@mamajongalso not anti relationships anti people settling for shit, unfulfilling ones! Or ones that trauma bond them!

My dad absolutely cannot be single, for any length of time; and has been married 3 times. He has this weird black and white view that unless you’re married, you’re a nothing person and people feel sorry for you - like it means you’re a low quality individual who has been left on the shelf. The irony is he himself is a terrible misogynist with an alcohol problem and his current wife is probably the worst choice yet - literally nobody is looking at their marriage with envy.

This is your ex right? So you were willing to be with him at one time despite those negative qualities, and have a child with him! Maybe she hasnt seen his true colours yet, maybe he is different with her, maybe she has unresolved trauma...why invest your time and energy into it.

Yes i fully appreciate your co-parenting angle with you ex, but other than as a parent he/their relationship is not your problem. Be happy to be free!

I think a lot of guys of a certain age don't want/ know how to have a decent committed relationship but like to keep women strung along.
Your ex may make out to you that he's not that bothered, but you don't know what he's saying to her to keep her in the game. He could be telling her he really loves her and promising the world just to keep the status quo and getting his needs meet.
It's actually hard to walk away from someone doing that when YOUR heart is all in. She'll wake up in time.

@YoureOnTheRightTracktotally! He was a love bomber 101!

I think it depends, sometimes you want to do something with someone? Holidays, travelling, pubs, some hobbies can be more difficult solo.

A woman I know was in sexless marriage- had an affair and got caught- kicked off the divorce process and swore off men - would rather live alone etc etc ,within 3 months had met someone new was a mostly living with him

Absolutely - in theory you can do all these things alone, but most people who prefer to do things with a partner

I’m not saying it’s wrong to have a partner or a relationship. I’m asking why people are so scared to be alone they settle for a really mismatched/shit partner!

Because for some people being alone is worse? Surely you can understand that? You are lucky to have loads of friends and family not everyone has that

Jeez that’s a reach! Plenty of people go on dates but are happily single if they don’t connect with someone. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. I date but I’m not going to settle for just anyone.
I’m certainly not scared of being alone. Sat in my lovely, clean, tidy, quiet house with no one telling me what to do or arguing with me.

The thing is. A lot of men don’t prioritise their kids. Many prioritise their dicks getting wet.

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You make some good points. I suppose I just think there's a lot of people who make a relationship their whole life, and don't seem to live much beyond that.

I have one friend in particular who has been in relationships since she was 16 (she's early 30s now). Typically her relationships follow a similar pattern - initial excitement/honeymoon phase, then that wears off, she comes to realise the person she's with isn't really right for her, but still sticks with them for too long because she can't bear the thought of being by herself. Only when someone else she's interested in enters the frame does she end one relationship and get with the new flame not long after.

I find it pretty sad she's never had a gap to really find or discover who she truly is. She's not the sort to do a solo trip or anything like that, it's always dependent on having a partner. And I do worry about her should the current relationship end, because this one more than most seems to be very intense, she's super close with his family, most of her friends are his friends etc. She'll probably be in quite a mess if it ends.

I just can't relate to that life, really. I feel sorry for the people who feel unable to do things by themselves or put them off till they've got a partner. Or who are only happy if they're with someone.