Why are some men and women so scared of being alone?

[bluebirdsandblueskies]

I am a single parent and have been single for six years with a ten year old daughter. I have been on a few dates here and there and could go on more but also refuse to waste time or settle for someone just for companionship.

My ex recently shared he had been seeing someone. He said it had been really stressful the past 9 months they’ve been dating (think due to a possible health concern on her part), she doesn’t seem happy as she wants to spend more time with him but obviously our daughter is his priority (they haven’t met) and he’s said to her if she’s not happy she can walk away. Apparently she doesn’t want to walk away. I didn’t ask for this information my ex just offered it up to me, adding she’d been in a twenty year marriage and has older teens. He didn’t seem overly into the relationship. Which has left me wondering - why are people so needy? Why are they both together? He doesn’t seem to be able to offer her what she really wants? why would you settle again after twenty years in a failed marriage.

And he doesn’t seem to want to commit more to her? But obviously likes the companionship. Are people that scared to be on their own? Or have I just been single for so long I won’t settle and actually companionship, even if it doesn’t tick many boxes, is more important than being alone?

But she doesn’t ’need’ to do anything, and her behaviour isn’t in your control. All you can do is make it clear to your ex that he needs to abide by agreed plans for contact with your children, his relationship status notwithstanding.

You only know that she is being "difficult" because he tells you and I'm sure he's telling a tale that makes him look good.

As a PP said, don't lay the blame on her, if this relationship isn't working around his child then he needs to lay down some boundaries or end it.

It sounds like he's being weak and not sticking to the agreed plan, then blaming her for it.

Totally. Another friend’s husband left her and she had a new boyfriend within a few weeks. I just find it very sad. I get people like having a partner but I think it’s so important for women in particular to be ok on their own.

My great aunt used to say that some women are not happy unless a man is making them unhappy. I’m sure this is true for some men too.

I used to think this was a silly simplistic thing to say, but the older I get, the more true it seems.

After getting divorced in the mid 80s I decided I would never share a property, money or anything else with someone again and would never let anyone just move in because I didn't want to live on my own.

I've been happily single for all that time, some relationships along the way but no one that I wanted to live with or marry. Everything I own is down to me and there is no way I would want to share it now. I have a very settled lifestyle, I live right on the coast, the sea is just yards from my house, friends, family and my lovely home and garden that I love being in. A stress free life is worth far more to me than being with a man who might turn out to be anything like ex-husband or god forbid, worse! 😱

Some people don’t have relatives, often through no fault of their own, and other support systems can be limited. The thought of going solo can be a very scary thought.

I knew a.man who stayed in a relationship for 2 years longer than he wanted because she lived within walking distance of his work 😯

@cloudtreecarpetoh I lay the blame on him as well. He’s chaotic and keeps telling me how he sacrificed plans to be with our daughter! Cry me a river!

but we also have to lay blame with women who are happy to see a circumstance and rather than say this won’t work for me, keep attempting to change it. Because of her behaviour it does impact my daughter and my life. But god he is to blame too!

@Foraorog for sure! He is weak and needs to stick to agreed plans and not change them at a whim and call me a pschyopath when I have a problem with him constantly doing this.

Most people I know that fit this category are women! 😂 They'd rather be with a loser than on their own or the ones that seem glued to their partners hip

Then the problem is him, not her. He should be capable of putting his daughter first and managing his relationship, or ending it.

Most people aren't looking for a true connection; they are simply looking for a distraction from their own inner void. Your ex and his new partner are settling because they are terrified of the silence of being alone. She accepts a stressful situation because her mind believes a bad deal is still safer than standing on her own. This is often where love vs attachment becomes difficult to see clearly. You aren't just 'used to being single', you've simply become your own source of peace, and it makes perfect sense that you refuse to trade that peace for mere convenience.

@AmitPthank you for such a great reply! I do think there is something to be said between what true love is and what attachment is. I do think most relationships aren’t built on love but attachments. You can clearly see the ones that are built of love and the ones that are built out of attachment.

@Endofyearyes, totally get this. He gave her option to walk away, which says it all really. He probably likes feeling wanted and needed. She probably accepts the breadcrumbs as it’s better than nothing after being a marriage for twenty years. Sad and chaotic on all accounts. But when it impacts me and my daughter it starts to piss me off

lack of self esteem, lack of confidence in the future, lack of enough income and lack of self love

I don’t really get this post, I mean does it really matter? Some people prefer to be in relationships others prefer to be alone? I don’t think it’s unusual to want to be in a relationship and have a partner? I say this as someone who has been single 10 years but I can totally understand why others wouldnt want to be single for long periods of time

@aAaAaAaAhh what don’t you understand about this post? Why would you want to be in a relationship that doesn’t really serve you properly? As another poster said there is a difference between love and attachment. Why do people feel the need to be attached to someone.

And that’s there choice, it’s not really any of your concern.

@aAaAaAaAhhFYI nobody forces you to come on to Mumsnet and comment on threads. The point of this platform is to ask questions and pose them to a community. I assume your incredibly insightful response could be used for 99.9% of the posts on here!

@aAaAaAaAhh and it is ‘their’ choice!

x

It's one of life's great mysteries to me why so many people jump in and out of relationships so quickly rather than spending time by themselves, or why a large proportion of people are never truly content to be single - particularly when most people will only ever add more stress and hassle to your life.

The older I get, the more I value the sheer peace, freedom and independence of being single. To go, eat, do etc what I want when I want, as much as I want. To not be reliant on someone else for my own happiness, or my emotions to be affected by someone else.

The only benefit, as far as I see it, to being in a relationship is (usually) regular sex. But is that worth it for putting up with all the downsides and negative parts to being in a relationship? Personally, I don't think it is.

It’s very easy to tell someone to leave but it takes a huge amount of strength to do this. Some people just can’t, or won’t, and they settle for what they have. To them the alternative is worse or not worth the hassle to leave.

An Ex said quite openly to me that men don’t leave so they can avoid all the crying and drama. They’re the one being left so they come out of it better. I’m sure plenty of women experience the other side of this and just stay. I left when he was clearly doing this to me.

Being single is far less stressful and I’m much happier having not lived with a man for over 10 years (although I have had relationships). So I leave when I choose to if it’s not working. A lot of women can’t or they’re kidding themselves that it’ll get better. It rarely does.

Yes I agree, I know similar situations and it often seems like a way of not dealing with your actual feelings, just plunging yourself into a new distraction. And you don't make the best choices that way, ultimately.

There are times of the year when it would be nice to have someone, I suppose. Christmas, birthdays and valentines day and holidays year on year on your own because your single. The added bonus is everyone has plans and are busy living thier lives, so you've no choice but to go on your own.

There are undoubtedly times when it is a lot less stress being alone, but being alone is very final and the longer you are alone the longer you stay alone.

Im not sure if I could live with anyone else anyway. I like my own mess