Would you go back to the hobby group after this confusion?

[giveup00]

I would be very grateful for your advice . I'm not very experienced with relationships - cared for my father for over 20 years until he died. With that and work I just didn't have time. So I'm not very familiar with how things can go.

After my father's death I started a hobby. Every fortnight I would meet up with those interested in the hobby. It was great for the first few months- expensive (I travel a long distance to go) but I made lots of friends, just what I needed. Then after a couple of months a guy, about 15 years older than me and not much to look at/notice, started chatting. I didnt think anything of it at first - he was a bit sarcastic and not especially warm. Asked what had made me join now and not at a younger age. I explained about my Dad and he seemed to soften. over the next few months we would chat every fortnight, he shared lots of personal information about himself , his life, family and health issues. I hought he was friendly and liked him then one night after the hobby we all went for a drink and I thought he was perhaps flirting, catching my eye, stroking my nose etc The next time we linked arms, then on another occasion he held my hand and last time we saw each other, again after a few drinks, he asked whether I had a partner, said he loved me 'but not in a weird way' etc...I didnt say anything.

The next day he messaged the group what's app complaining of a hangover but also mentioning going on a holiday with his wife!!! I know I am being ridiculous nothing happened but feel a bit shocked and hurt that he didnt say anything before. I know it's ridiculous nothing happened but we shared a lot of personal information - my mistake I know but it was over months and I was very cautious to start with.

We are due to go back to the hobby soon (I have two years left on the contract) - I am dreading it and wondering whether to stop going. We are a relatively small group of 10 so any awkwardness/change in normal patterns of behaviour will be noticeable - but maybe there wont be any. Nothing happened- other I suppose than I developed feelings for him but I suppose I should just get over that but I dont know if it will be too awkward to return. WWYD? What should I learn from this to make sure it doesn't happen again?

I would imagine the group message where he complained of a hangover and mentioned his wife* was when he realised he'd taken it a step too far and he was covering his back, blaming the booze and making it clear his flirting was not serious.

*odd that little detail didn't come up before when he was talking about his life!

He's the problem here, getting his ego stroked by flirting with a younger woman when he has a wife. Don't let him put you off your hobby group, hopeflly he'll rein in in now. If not, just give him a wide berth now you're aware he's a sad cliché, another bored married man flirting with a younger woman after a few drinks 🙄

Mumsnet and “hobby groups”. Lol.

And what hobby has a 2 year contract? we need details

We do indeed.

Maybe it's more of a night school type thing where you pay for a course of lessons? I'm more curious about the nose stroking to be honest.

What is the hobby?

Are you a footballer? Can’t get my head around what hobbies have contracts

Could it be an equipment rental contract realted to hobby OP means?

You found a creep - lots about - you did nothing worng go back and ignore and stay away from him if possible be icy polite if can't.

Go back and hold your head high. I’d say practically every woman has had flirting from a secretly attached man at some point. You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s just an idiot. Go back, make friends with some others and enjoy yourself.

As pps have said, do not give up something you enjoy because of this man!
All of this has happened because of his actions, not yours.

In terms of what you could do differently, just an observation that the way you have written this sounds as if you are quite passive. Everything is what he did, what he chose. What YOU want and need, matters and should come first to you.

Can you have a think about how, if this situation occurred again, you could take steps towards meeting your own wants and needs? E.g. I want to know if he is single and what this flirting is leading up to, I am going to ask him. Or, I don't want someone distracting me from my hobby, I want to keep it separate from any romantic relationships, I will tell him that.

OP all this is on him, he is the one married. And him oversharing when not propped is a red flag, specially seeing what he did after with the touching arm nor nose, holding hands etc, he was grooming you. He not ones told you, in all that oversharing of his, that he was married, yuk, I would resume the hobby if you feel you can do that without blaming yourself for this individuals creepy behaviour. If he continues then put in firm boundaries. You are not the first person he has dont this too, that is a given, all his behaviour is well rehersed, so be confident in who you are and know your own worth. Dont give him any explanation either, that is wasted on him. BTW you sound awesome.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

You did nothing wrong OP. VERY odd behaviour of him not to mention a wife in all these conversations and then to tell you he loved you!!!

If you only have 2yrs left on your hobby contract, how long was it originally??? 🤔

This! Sadly there are men like this everywhere. The ones that from their social media profiles look single, talk in terms of I instead of we and are generally sleazy and testing the water. Sorry for your loss. Well done for joining the hobby group. That took courage. I hope you can go back. I am listening to Brene Brown stuff on YouTube just now, maybe search how to deal with this as there’s loads of helpful advice for any circumstance. If you are a naturally caring warm person some of what you’ll need to do (most probably grey rock him) will not come naturally.

Just remember how you felt he wasn't attractive or interesting seeming at all at first. He showed you affection and compliments and then in drink your feelings softened.

But you must know deep down you two weren't meant to be together. He sounds creepy. Stroking people's noses in pubs is nausea inducing so you're lucky really, you escaped.

But definitely don't quit the hobby. I'm also fascinated by how you could have a two year contract with any hobby though?

I bet his wife doesn't know he's holding hands with another woman at his hobby group. What a scumbag you've stumbled across.

Will the OP return??

Nose stroking by married men? Maybe Only Fans? 🤣

Urgh he's a fucking creep...if he tries to overstep again ask him how his dw is and walk away.

You've done nothing wrong. And you have a right to a hobby and friends you've made in the group.
Go right in as if nothing happened (as nothing happened.... ). Just be yourself, without allowing said person to overstep as they did...

Sorry about your DF 💐.

Go back and keep him at arm's length but friendly.
Ask how gis holiday was with his wife.
If he mentions how different you are with him, say you didn't realise he was married and if you were the wife, you wouldn't be happy with his behaviour.

Or just act normal and avoid any close encounters with him. Stay neutral but firm and he'll soon move on.

He might have just got married that week?
maybe it was a whirlwind thing.
Or
Maybe he is just a big liar man.

Does it matter? He is no loss.

Go back and do your hobby. He has no impact on your life.

Hi op this wasn’t your fault. He’s older and maybe senses a bit of vulnerability in you, he was pushing your boundaries. Please don’t let this arse ruin something you enjoy the shame should be on him only. Go back and hold you head up high.

He did stroke my nose several times - each time he went to the bar/loo. I didnt ready know how to react....

Run run run run far away

Vile man

I would go back, you’ve done nothing wrong. Giving him the benefit of the doubt here, but perhaps him and his wife had separated, are now back together, and this is his cowardly way of telling you?