Would you go back to the hobby group after this confusion?

[giveup00]

I would be very grateful for your advice . I'm not very experienced with relationships - cared for my father for over 20 years until he died. With that and work I just didn't have time. So I'm not very familiar with how things can go.

After my father's death I started a hobby. Every fortnight I would meet up with those interested in the hobby. It was great for the first few months- expensive (I travel a long distance to go) but I made lots of friends, just what I needed. Then after a couple of months a guy, about 15 years older than me and not much to look at/notice, started chatting. I didnt think anything of it at first - he was a bit sarcastic and not especially warm. Asked what had made me join now and not at a younger age. I explained about my Dad and he seemed to soften. over the next few months we would chat every fortnight, he shared lots of personal information about himself , his life, family and health issues. I hought he was friendly and liked him then one night after the hobby we all went for a drink and I thought he was perhaps flirting, catching my eye, stroking my nose etc The next time we linked arms, then on another occasion he held my hand and last time we saw each other, again after a few drinks, he asked whether I had a partner, said he loved me 'but not in a weird way' etc...I didnt say anything.

The next day he messaged the group what's app complaining of a hangover but also mentioning going on a holiday with his wife!!! I know I am being ridiculous nothing happened but feel a bit shocked and hurt that he didnt say anything before. I know it's ridiculous nothing happened but we shared a lot of personal information - my mistake I know but it was over months and I was very cautious to start with.

We are due to go back to the hobby soon (I have two years left on the contract) - I am dreading it and wondering whether to stop going. We are a relatively small group of 10 so any awkwardness/change in normal patterns of behaviour will be noticeable - but maybe there wont be any. Nothing happened- other I suppose than I developed feelings for him but I suppose I should just get over that but I dont know if it will be too awkward to return. WWYD? What should I learn from this to make sure it doesn't happen again?

What kind of hobby has a contract? That sounds dodgy for a start.

As for his guy... eh he sounds like a dick, someone who was testing the waters. Probably having a rough patch with the wife etc and looking for a place warmer, someone who could look after him and nurse him in his old age (telling that he only warmed to you after you mentioned looking after your father).

Just concentrate on the hobby. Ignore him as much as possible. If he talks to you then stay neutral and mention nothing deeper than what the weather is like.

I think it's him, not you OP. You did nothing wrong that I can see. He definitely was flirting - everything you've described is flirting. Sometimes they like to make it plausibly denials but you don't have to deny the truth to yourself.

As for what you can do - be more cautious about opening up to anyone I suppose, look for signs they might be misleading you and just generally assume the worst. But I don't think being like this is more desirable, its just the result of scarring from bad treatment like this. The only thing is that you can save yourself some pain if you become more cynical but I don't overall know if its a better way to be.
I'm sorry. Sorry this happened. If you can face the hobby, I wouldn't give it up. If you think you can play it cool to gently withdraw intimacy from him, without drama, I'd try to do that.

Don't let him drive you away from a hobby you enjoy and where you have made friends. I think you should distance yourself from him, without making any fuss. I think he has seen that you are less confident socially and taken advantage of your vulnerability. I'm sure he has enjoyed your attention but he has not behaved as a good friend. Don't let this one bad experience put you off being open to other friendships. I'm sure you will be more cautious in future but someone who is available (ie single) and genuinely interested would want to see you outside of a fortnightly flirt.

Kee going to the hobby. You enjoyed it so far. The dick will start on someone else or at least leave you alone. Who strokes another’s nose??

Who strokes another’s nose??

Yeah this confused me. I think it must be a typo.

He's the creep OP, you have done nothing wrong. Keep seeing your friends and enjoy your hobby but treat him as you would a rather annoying fly.

The world is full of them.

If that's his idea of foreplay, I'd say the OP has dodged a bullet.

He softened when you told him why you hadn’t started the hobby at a younger age. Who is he - the hobby judge?. Perhaps he mentioned his wife to warn you not to get involved after he realised he had gone too far.

please don’t drop your hobby. It sounds important to you and you clearly deserve to enjoy it. Learn to give him a wide berth.

Don't give up your hobby because of a knob.

Of course you are going to go back. Maybe see how he is around the other women or ask “Did you and your wife have a nice holiday- is she not interested in this at all then?”.
See it as life lesson: men can be shits.

Yea all the above this is not your fault.

I notice this seemed to happen after drinks. I too think he realised he had gone too far, and mentioned his wife on purpose.

Im a bit surprised after all this time and sharing info that the subject of his relationship status didn't come up. Not blaming you, it's just what passed through my mind as i read the post.

Go back to your hobby and enjoy it. Treat him as you do the rest of the group from now on. He's a twat 💐

“over the next few months we would chat every fortnight, he shared lots of personal information about himself , his life, family and health issues”

but he didn’t say he was married? He’s an idiot.

You did nothing wrong. He was leading you on, being friendly, linking arms, flirting , and yet In all the time, he neglected to mention he had a wife. Maybe the others in the hobby group were unaware, or wasn’t sure whether to intervene or not.

Carry on doing the hobby, and just be civil to ex-friend. Maybe even pointedly ask how his holiday with his wife was.

Also, don’t let this dent your confidence. It takes a lot if courage to start a new hobby and join a new group, and I’m sorry this man has abused your trust.

Just a married man who fancies you. Luckily nothing happened, so no harm done. Don't stop the hobby. It probably won't be very awkward at all as he's probably flirted with other women before so will be completely unembarrassed and unflustered ... so you can be too.

Go back! You have done nothing wrong and the hobby matters to you. But be less friendly to this man and avoid holding hands etc.

OP don't let this put you off a hobby you enjoy. He's obviously a chancer who led you on and took advantage of you, no doubt for attention and an ego boost.
When he was over sharing personal info with you of course he should have mentioned he had a wife but luckily you know now. When you next see him treat him formally and avoid one to one situations. Carry on with your hobby, don't let him spoil your enjoyment!

Having cared for a parent for a long time myself, it does leave you feeling removed from the world.
20 years solo is a long time, and the loss of your dad must still hurt.
You join a hobby and the dickhead within it spotted your vulnerability.
It sickens me. He knows you’ve lost your dad, he knows he is married, and in he swoops.
These men are everywhere so you could leave the hobby and lose out on other friendships.
Keep going, but understand the lesson.
I was so vulnerable after losing a parent, I got into a very damaging relationship.
While it’s fine to have a social drink I would also maybe slow that down until you find your feet.
It does get better. I promise you that.

He should have mentioned his wife much earlier and he shouldn't have flirted with you. But these things happen OP. Keep going to the hobby, chat to the other people there, chalk this up to experience.

Ugh! What a slimeball! Keep your hobby op and just be polite to Mr slime if you need to interact with him in the presence of the others.

You have done nothing wrong 💐

Oh dear, there are plenty of men like this about, sorry you were vulnerable to him.

Do not let him deter you from returning to hobby. Distance yourself. If he says anything then you tell him his behaviour towards you was inappropriate given the fact he is married and you don’t want to be his friend.

What everyone else said. Don’t let this keep you from a social outlet you badly need.

Also, let me pick up on your language — this wasn’t a ‘misunderstanding’. This was a creep picking on someone obviously vulnerable.

I discovered blokes like this existed when I was younger and went on a singles ski trip. One guy had started going out with another lady, but in the last night was giving me loads of attention. At first I laughed it off, but then as the night progressed and drink was taken, I thought sod it he must have split up with other lady. As soon as I started reciprocating he backed off immediately and said he couldn’t be unfaithful to other lady ( he had spent the evening hitting on me in front of her). I think for creeps like this they want to demonstrate to themselves that they are capable of attracting women, and then once they do they lose interest.

This.

I explained about my Dad and he seemed to soften

I'll bet he did. Soome men love nothing more than a vulnerable woman!

Go back.

hate when people say a hobby group what is the big secret contracts? bit strange
anyway he was just trying it on
if it is your group ban him

move on enjoy the proper friendships you have made

Oh yes meant to say creepy guy reappeared at another gathering. He was still going out with other lady, but avoided getting any photos taken like the plague for the socials page. Also ignored me, so I would go to your hobby as you have done nothing wrong.