Partner mentioned an interest in sadism and I feel uneasy

[Cabiwoca]

Relatively new relationship (3 months). I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so happy although I have some problems that I am still working through, which he is aware of and agreed to give me space for. Maybe not the point but I didn’t want to drip feed.

He mentioned an interest in sadism this weekend, which I honestly cannot comprehend at all and which I am not happy to engage with. He seemed fine with it and said that he just hadn’t wanted to keep this hidden. We obviously talked about it for a bit but I’m still thinking that it’s pretty messed up and that no sane person would be interested in anything like this but maybe I’m being judgemental.

Is this something that people just talk about, because to me this is not a “normal” thing to be interested in and it worries me a bit. I understand that people have kinks and I never thought I’d mind but i immediately felt so uneasy.

This is good news, I’m so genuinely pleased you are realising that you need to walk away.

I’ve been on Mumsnet for years and I can’t remember ever feeling so disturbed by a thread. Sending unmumsnetty love and strength. ❤️💪

He's no good OP, don't be fooled.

Also it is absolutely normal and ok to not be fine with other people's kinks, please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

OP, this is a man who enjoys hurting women so much that he has an orgasm when they are hurt.

Do you really think this is going to work out well for you?

I'd end it now and suggest he tries to find someone with a similar interest. Then I'd be praying for her - even though I'm an atheist - because he sounds incredibly scary.

I completely agree but for me him saying it is still a red flag.

Firstly, because they’ve only been dating 3 months and so it feels like he’s testing her boundaries and seeing how far he can push her (some men get off on that alone).

Secondly, because anyone who brings it up after only 3 months suggests that this is the only type of sex they’re in to.
To me, that is the definition of being ‘vanilla’.

A PP said she can only enjoy sex if she’s being degraded in some way.
I couldn’t think of anything more boring and incompatible than someone who can only have sex one way.
I absolutely need variety - I enjoy loads of different things like BDSM, role playing, being dominant, being submissive, being passionate, having fun and laughing.
It completely depends on the mood and having someone only being able to enjoy a certain type of sex would be a huge red flag for me.

Hydenseek? I think the issue is he likes inflicting pain rather than being the recipient. This still might not be to OP's taste either i know. At the end of day each to their own. There should not be any attempt to persuade someone to participate in something they are uncomfortable with.

OP, you need to honour your feelings of uneasiness and it sounds like you will. But please don't be persuaded by this thread that all sadists are abusers or murderers-in-waiting. They're not.

Utter bollocks. Clearly you have no idea what a sadist is.

A sadist is an individual who derives pleasure—whether physical, psychological, or sexual—from inflicting pain, humiliation, or suffering on others.

FYI

Sadly, this thread has far too many women seeking to justify engaging in sexual self-harm - and defending the men who are sexually gratified by inflicting pain, suffering, and humiliation on them.

I know very well what a sadist is. Someone who identifies as such will usually only be interested in enacting their desires with the informed and enthusiastic consent of a masochist.

No. That's not a sadist. One could say that's an 'ethical' sexual sadist, in terms of practising BDSM, but there are plenty of people who are just plain sadists, and there are plenty of sexual sadists who are abusive, just as any man can be abusive.

Clearly you don’t. You’re spouting dangerous rubbish.

Your bf of a couple months is a sexual sadist and he was letting you know. You're only 3 months in and he's bringing it up because he wants to bring pain into the bedroom. He will get off from hurting you.

You say you're not happy with that. That means you're sexually incompatible and you need to end the relationship ASAP.

You are incompatible.
SM is not uncommon, but must be consensual.

yes - from OP's context, though, it seems that we're discussing sexual sadism.

In which case, the fact that he didn't seek out a partner with experience or a stated curiosity about it, on something like FetLife, and didn't bring it up immediately after meeting OP, makes me think he's definitely not 'ethical'. It seems more likely that he enjoys pushing boundaries, unequal relationship dynamics, and control - definitely potentially abusive red flag behaviour, but with an added sexual fetish for pain, suffering, and humiliation.

Definitely not worth the OP risking wasting another 3 months or more on.

He wants your permission to physically assault you so he's got an alibi if it goes wrong. I'm glad that you're walking away, I'd actually report him to the police on 101 so if he does damage or kill a future partner, there's warning a on record.

Does he want to beat you up or for you to beat him up lol? After telling me he likes sadism, I'd find him too embarrassing to be with.

I'm increasingly of the opinion we should bring back being ashamed of being a violent pervert.

It's not a 'kink'; it's a damaging perversion of a healthy sexuality, and it results in dead women again and again.

Leave, OP. He's manipulating you

I think we can bracket out all women and men who are aware of their proclivities and seek out willing and consensual partners. May not be healthy but has no effect on the wider community. So fill your boots.

The OP thought she’d found the ideal ‘partner’ who gave her space to deal with ‘issues’, was kind and gentle and made her happy. One of the good guys. A keeper.

Then he drops the bombshell that he’s actually into sadism - whatever that means for him.

Obviously OP is confused because she has invested into the illusion but is now confronted with a frightening reality based on what he said in one conversation. What is real - his behaviour over 3 months or one conversation? This is lovebombing 101. It is a feature of abusive relationships. You have to recognise the lovebombing as manipulation and softening you up to ignore boundaries. This is so hard when overcoming trauma but abusive men can smell vulnerablilty and can present for a short time as the answer to all that ails you.

The one conversation when he was being honest was more real than everything he said and did in the preceding three months. Fact. Do not talk to him about it again. He will backtrack. He thought your boundaries were sufficiently eroded already. He will just up the lovebombing and combine it with threats of leaving until you are willing to go along with whatever he wants.

You need to leave now - you don’t need more information - and contact women’s aid to do the freedom programme so you can spot red flags before you become emotionally attached.

PocketSand has it in a nutshell, her whole post is spot on, especially this......

"You need to leave now - you don’t need more information - and contact women’s aid to do the freedom programme so you can spot red flags before you become emotionally attached."

Op do you want to be with someone who's sexual perversions are centered around inflicting pain on a woman?

He has softened you up, you have told him your vulnerability and you are like a moth to a flame, captivated by his mask of gentleness when he is in fact turned on by causing pain aka abuse.

He has told you what he is.

This gets to the core of the problem here very clearly.

He waited 3 months in to disclose this rather than early on. He was trying to get you attached. You're vulnerable.

He's been playing a role and working on eroding your boundaries. Even some of the responses here are boundary crossing, given you've stated you're uncomfortable with sadism and that you have other issues you are working on.

You think oh, he's so gentle, he won't really hurt me and yes he will. He told you so. He enjoys inflicting pain. It's how he gets off. You really can't trust him sexually after he's told you that. You would have to always worry about him hurting you during sex and no, it wouldn't be accidental.

Read up on red flags, do the Freedom Program and boundaries.

I agree with you. He should have brought this up soon after meeting the OP. Have you had sex with him yet OP?

I think that without knowing exactly the kind of thing he means by 'sadism', which could encompass a million different activities from incredibly mild stuff that don't actually involve genuine pain, right up to things that are obviously horrific, it's hard to know exactly what the situation is here.

But you've only been together three months and this isn't an established relationship. This obviously bothers you a lot (plus you already mention you have 'issues') so you need to end things with him. It's not going to work, and that's fine - you are completely entitled to feel uncomfortable.

I would also say that it's very unusual for someone with a BDSM kink to refer to it as 'sadism'. The vast majority of people would say BDSM, or they'd say they like to be dominant or dominated, rather than 'I like sadism'. Which makes me wonder if a) he's actually a bit of an idiot or b) he is, in fact, an absolute wrong'un.

Woman who has been through some stuff: “I have trauma”
Sadist: “That’s ok”. *Love bombing commences.
Sadist after 3 months: “I get my kicks hurting women btw, hope that’s ok!”

Yeah, run.

The very fact that he knew what he was into and that you had trauma so obviously wouldn’t be into that, suggests that he is a predator who deliberately hung around anyway because he liked the idea of you as a victim.

He’s a sadist so wants to inflict pain on another person. He’d be a masochist if he wants pain done to him. At least that’s what I know in my limited knowledge of such things. If I met a masochist my refusal to do anything to him would be my version of catering to his masochistic desires 🙃