Partner mentioned an interest in sadism and I feel uneasy

[Cabiwoca]

Relatively new relationship (3 months). I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so happy although I have some problems that I am still working through, which he is aware of and agreed to give me space for. Maybe not the point but I didn’t want to drip feed.

He mentioned an interest in sadism this weekend, which I honestly cannot comprehend at all and which I am not happy to engage with. He seemed fine with it and said that he just hadn’t wanted to keep this hidden. We obviously talked about it for a bit but I’m still thinking that it’s pretty messed up and that no sane person would be interested in anything like this but maybe I’m being judgemental.

Is this something that people just talk about, because to me this is not a “normal” thing to be interested in and it worries me a bit. I understand that people have kinks and I never thought I’d mind but i immediately felt so uneasy.

'Usually' is doing a lot of hard work there. As is assessing the risk if the sadist you've encountered is not the 'usual' sort.

Some books that might help.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It will help you recognize men who really mean you no good. It talks about men who blow past your boundaries in simple situations and I think it's a must read for women.

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft available as a free PDF online. Another must read for women.

Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud. It's one of the best books on boundaries around. Caveat, there is a Christian perspective in the book but I didn't find it intrusive.

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

yes, this is true. Risk assessment is always very important!

“Perhaps it’s just that it’s more acceptable for a woman to admit to masochism than a man to admit to sadism.”

Well yes I guess this would make sense when you think about the terrible societal problems caused by men who desire to hurt people vs if a woman desired to be hurt herself.

Not RTFT, but another here who thinks his use of the word "sadism" is odd and troubling.

DH and I have, off and on over the years, engaged in some light BDSM. Done properly, it is about power over/power under and it is actually the sub who holds the true power because the dom should never do anything to which the sub does not consent. The sub has voluntarily handed over power to the dom and can take it back at any time. Also done properly (and we literally had some training around this eons ago), the sensation teeters on a pain pleasure boundary and releases endorphins. I've always felt very relaxed afterwards.

Unfortunately, BDSM is not properly understood. Crappy phallocentric porn has normalised things like choking and rape fantasies involving roughness and brutalisation which are extremely dangerous to women and which are being done by men who haven't the first clue about how to be a responsible dom.

I must add - it is of course perfectly right and fair not to want to engage in BDSM even if you think this guy would be very tender and responsible about it. It is a kink and a great many people - probably the majority - will not want to engage in it under any circumstances.

it's not troubling to refer to oneself as a sadist if that is what one is! The S and M in BDSM partially refer to sadomasochism.

Yes and what better way to get away with it, then find a woman willing to let you do it to her.im not talking about the mild power play stuff, but the sadism some posters are discussing, spitting on them, hitting them, choking them . The inflicting actual pain, humiliation, degradation. And for the abuser to get off on it. To want to hurt you, degrade you, humiliate you,

for them to be looking at you behind their eyes. Wanting tk hurt you snd knowing they can and will and you will thank them at the end. To think that’s love.

its just very distressing.

Give over. It's not peer pressure at all. Yes lots of people smoke, they also drink and take drugs. That doesn't mean they are insane or bad people.
If I said to someone who's partner liked to get drunk at the weekends that plenty of sane people like it, if it's not your thing that's fine. Talk to them about what they need from the relationship and what you're willing to try. If you don't want to be around people who drink at all, it probably won't work, is that peer pressure? Or is it realistic and fair advice?

If you want to take vanilla as an insult, that's on you. I don't think there is any superiority in sexual preferences and have not said that I do.

Unfortunately a true sadist is a very frightening person indeed. They have rules for you you will never know about. Some of those end up in the criminal justice system. All of them use consent as a defence if they get caught. People, well women, can be naive. These men do not come with bad written on their foreheads. But their behaviour is usually predictable; find someone vulnerable, absolutely bomb them with tenderness, get the vulnerability and the problems discussed then, manipulate conversation to the need to “understand”, and then slowly, imperceptibly boil the victim like a frog. The sex is the icing on the cake. It is the head game that is the object.

It being troubling to someone is subjective.

Saying “it’s not troubling” doesn’t really make sense.

I would be ‘troubled’ by someone saying they like Andrew Tate because it opposes my moral framework.

I would feel ‘troubled’ by a man saying ‘I am a sadist’ as I’m (very) troubled by the idea of a man who is actively sexually aroused by women being hurt.

It’s up to him if that’s a sexual preference he has, nothing to do with me, but are you honestly saying that I’m wrong or unreasonably to personally feel troubled by the idea of men whose kink is hurting women?

posters were distinguishing between people who identify as sadists and people who say they're into BDSM to argue that the former is somehow worse. I don't think it is, since BDSM incorporates sadism. Sorry that wasn't clear from the context, I should have quoted. You are of course free to feel how you like about it.

Oh so he's a real prince amongst men 😂
"I want to hurt people." Loser.

Such a pick me girl comment 🙄

Yes, mumsnet, the anonymous forum, is full of men that I would want to impress 🫠

A more likely explanation is that it's just so ingrained, you do it automatically.

He's been masking for three months. Possibly as long as he could keep up the lie, play acting the man you wanted as he reeled you in. Now when you're attached and invested, secure etc, this mask's starting to slip and the true face is tentatively peeping out. There will be more. If you intend to stay with him you'd be wise to tell friends what you've learned about him. Prepare a statement that if anything 'happens' to you, he should be the first person to be investigate. Have we opened your eyes yet? He's not who or what you thought.

Attached and invested after 3: months? What is the appropriate time to tell someone about your kinks? If they'd been together for a year and then he said something that would be much worse. I think the timing is probably about right because let's face it no-one is going to say anything on their first few dates.
BDSM is so misunderstood and that's down to porn.. Generally people who practice it are not beating their partner half to death or chaining then up or anything. There are possibly some who go this far but it's a minority and people who don't actually understand BDSM.
That doesn't mean OP should engage in it. She absolutely should stick to her guns about it being a total no go. However if she is worried or doesn't trust him (as it's only been 3 months) then the best thing is to end the relationship and find someone with less extreme kinks ( because most people do have them)

@Stressedoutmummyof3 I don’t know, a guy once told me he was into voyerism right from the start. I felt that was respectful and good timing telling me before I invested any time or effort into him or so much as kissed him let alone had sex with him.

It was a no for me, but I told him I was grateful he was so transparent and wished him all the best.

He was a very handsome guy with a good job and no doubt he will find someone who is okay with that without wasting his time or anyone else’s time being with someone who isn’t.