Is my marriage boring or is this life?

[Anon657]

I'm honestly just bored. It comes to the weekend and I think here we go again. Is this standard for everyone?

Every weekend, there is no suggestion of what to do. I ALWAYS have to suggest something. My DH openly admits that he doesn't suggest anything because he doesn't really care and will just do what I say. He doesn't particularly enjoy doing whatever we do but he comes along to be with his family.

Most weekends I will go to my DM one morning with our DC and the other we will go to the park/town/soft play. I will spend the rest of the afternoon in the garden with DC. My DH will stay inside watching TV. He also spends part of the morning working out and goes for an hour motorbike ride.

He doesn't want to socialise with other people, he won't let me have people around and he doesn't want to go away on holiday.

To be honest since having children, my DH grates on me. I cannot fault him when it comes to chores. He does the washing up, cooking, and turns on the washing machine and empties it for me to put away. I do the parenting, getting dressed, lunchboxes, bath time, bedtime, getting bag ready for the day. Truly I'm exhausted and I have told my DH many times. For context we have a 11 month old and 25 month old. I'm a stay at home mum. my DH goes on about sex all the time and I really can't be bothered. We probably have it 3xmonth. I know that's not much but since having children I just don't care for it. Is this a normal phase people go through while parenting young ones? Am I expecting too much? I open to criticism here!

DH is fine if I go out without kids, but I don't think he'd be happy if it was all the time for hours, but if it's occasional or maybe an hour every week I think he would be ok.

You deserve more than an hour a week to yourself OP.

I think you need to step it up a bit and carve out some time for yourself as well as family time. Do you all go to soft play? Only one of you needs to go and the other can have time to do whatever they want.

Also if you want to go out as a family, I would tell him 'I'm going to spend the afternoon at x place, do you want to come with the children, or shall I leave them here with you.'

That way he gets a choice and the choice is his.

Don't settle for an hour, that's just allowing yourself to be taken for granted.

If you are being shutdown he is not interested in your opinion or get the silent treatment )which is abusive behaviour) then there is really no point in staying with him .

This is also not the relationship model to be showing your dc; you are showing them this is acceptable to you. He knows he is behaving badly here and he does not care about you or the dc for that matter.

And children love their parents anyway no matter how crap their dad is in this instance. Financial concerns are no reason to stay with him either: this is not a happy home. You are married to this man and have rights in law so find out where you do stand in the event you decide to separate. Knowledge here is power.

YOU do lots of things with the kids, what does he do with them independently of you between he watching television , working out and or going for an hour’s motorbike ride?. Denial is a powerful
force.

He never suggests anything for you all to do in the weekend but I bet you a crisp tenner he always prioritises his above interests.

1. You need equal down time at the weekend. If that means the kids stay inside and watch TV when you go out, so be it for now. Your husband needs solo time with them.
2. You presumably both own the house, so there’s no ‘allowed’ re having friends round. Let him sulk! (Unless you are actually worried about his reaction, this is a bigger red flag and problem if so!)
3. Make sure you both stop doing housework at the same time of an evening and then do what you want. You’re a SAHM, which is your job during working hours! Once your husband is home the parenting and chores should be 50-50.
4. Is your husband giving you silent treatment about sex too? Do you have sex because you want to, or because he pressures you? You shouldn’t be having sex to placate him!

Can you do less in the week with the kids so not so knackered on the weekend?
Now the nice weather here could you go to a park/open space as a family with a picnic,wine/beer and a frisbee?
Do you have family to look after kids so you could join him on the back of his motorbike?

You’re in the garden with the kids while he’s sat inside watching tv? Sounds like a great dad!

"I feel like it's my responsibility to always look after the kids as im a SAHM."

@Anon657 - you are wrong about this. The fact that you are an SAHM means that paid childcare is not necessary during the normal working day. If you were a "working outside the home mum" (WOHM), then there would be childcare costs. So it is your "job" and responsibility to look after the children during the working day when your DH is at work because the alternative would be that you are a WOHM and your children are in paid childcare. It is not your job to be sole parent when your H is home from work.

I was mostly a WOHM working 4 days a week at first, then 5, when my DH swapped to 4 days a week. We had paid childcare during those 4 days a week when both DH and I were WOH. When we were home (at the end of our working day), we were both fully engaged in parenting. That is what your H should be doing. He should be parenting in the evenings and at weekends. It is as much his job as yours. My mum was an SAHM until I went to school but my dad was very hands in the evenings after work and at weekends as were my friends' fathers. I can't stand these idiot fathers (because it always is fathers) who think that, because they bring money into the household, that is all they have to do.

He sounds pretty unattractive anyway what with refusing to have guests and refusing to take holidays and wanting to stay home and potter and leave you to handle the kids the whole time. No wonder you find him boring. He is boring and lazy. No wonder you don't want sex. Boring and lazy men aren't really going to fire up your libido.

We had people over a lot when our children were young. It was just so much easier to deal with young kids - the baby could have a nap, the older child play with their toys - while we would catch up with friends/family/neighbors. If they had children of their own to play with ours even better. But it didn't matter.
Why is your husband refusing to have people visit?
And also, while I was never SAHM and when my younger was 11 months I worked part time, I absolutely took time for myself over the weekend - actually I got into exercise quite a bit around then and would go for boxing classes or run pretty regularly.
In fact it was much easier then than when children got older and needed to be taken to football training/games, parties etc on weekends.
You should claim time for yourself and make it a regular thing - whether it's a book club, or exercise. Even if they sit at home- doesnt matter - they will be safe and watching some TV isnt the end of the world.

And yes I cannot stand fathers who refuse to look after their children and cannot think of things to do with them. They're generally just boring lazy people who don't want to learn new things. My husband (who until recently ran own business, very successfully) has always been able to look after them 100% - cook and clean and be on top of school events and sports and whatever needed including talking through any social and emotional issues. I generally look after all the health matters but that's more because of my professional background; otherwise all the parenting is equally shared.
He has now sold his business and I got a promotion at work so he is really doing more (they are secondary so it is more driving and being available) but this doesnt feel like a big change at all, just picking up a little more of what he's been doing anyway.

He sounds selfish, lazy and controlling.
Do not have anymore children.

Can you look at returning to work?
Or work towards returning?

You need some independence from him.

His silent treatment of you is abusive to keep you in line.

Not want good men do.

I don't think it's normal. It wasn't my experience anyway and from what I know of my married friends it isn't for them. My DH enjoyed days out and holidays with the DC when they were young. I still had fun with DH. There was definitely no stopping me inviting people round, that sounds controlling and is definitely abnormal. My friends and family visit regularly.
Would you consider going back to work? It will give you more opportunities to meet people and have social interaction with other adults. If you don't want to end the marriage, you should at least do something to make your life more interesting. That's not to say every SAHP has a boring life, I say it because you said your marriage is boring.

he won't let me have people around and he doesn't want to go away on holiday

What??? And how is your relationship defined so much by what he doesn't want?

He does the washing up, cooking, and turns on the washing machine and empties it for me to put away

Wow. Empties it for you to put away?? Be still my beating heart!!

Can he pay bills and brush his own teeth as well?

What you've described it basic adutling. It's not a special favour to you. They are things he would be doing for himself (hopefully) if you weren't there as a function of living as an adult.

Your husband has emotionally abandoned you. He might be physically present, but he's emotionally left your marriage and your children.

He goes on and on about sex, yet doesn't want to spent quality time with you. What do you think that means OP?

I feel like I have painted him as an absent father when that isn't really true, but I would say I do most of the parenting.

He will have moments of play with them, like if they bring him a book to read, or he will come and pop out in the garden to see us. He also gives our 11 month old his nighttime bottle and gets him to sleep as I can't physically do both of DC at once. So he isn't absent, but he rarely has them by himself (maybe 7 times in two years) and has never taken them out without me. He will obviously look after them while I have a shower, or when I get ready in the morning.

I think I need to tell him I need time for myself at a set time every weekend to get that space.

We only rent the house so financially I'm not in a good position.

It is interesting to know that people think duties are split 50/50 once they are home from work. I guess in a way it is 50/50, he does the chores of an evening and I do bath time, reading stories, bedtime for one DC but sometimes I would like to do the washing up rather than bath time haha. I know that may sound harsh but I am with the DC 24/7. Still getting up through the night with the younger one and my mum only looks after them if I have an appointment so I really am with them ALL the time.

Yes, there concerns about not wanting to go away or having people around are ongoing and I will have to reevaluate that at another time. Whether I go away with the kids without him, but for not getting time for myself takes priority and I think it will make a huge difference. It's been very helpful having others perspectives to see that this really is a big issue for me at the moment.

Also unfortunately I can't go back to work at the moment. Financially it would take any money I earnt and some of my DH if the DC went to nursery, so we would be worse off. I will go back to work part time once they start school so still another 3 years away.

I take my hat off to the SAHM's. I know it is not easy being a working mother either, but I do think I would probably cope better having a bit of time by myself even if it was working. I know everyone is different, so no judgment here at all and not saying one is easier than the other. Just how I feel it is for me.

I can understand the not wanting to have people over as I am an introvert and need time to recharge so people in my space is a no go and my husband understands this and would never just invite people over.

For the little he does with our kids he may as well be absent. Maybe 7 times in two years so he has not even had them more than six times at most!. They will certainly notice this in him as they get older.

What is the point of him at all?. He seems to have plenty of time for his own self in terms of working out, watching tv and going out for an hours motorbike ride on the weekend. I can well see you working part time and doing the same level of parenting as you are now.

You need to find a job as this marriage is not going to last. Either he or you will eventually end it. If he does he will have had time to plan it to keep as much money as he can from you. If the marriage does not end, you will spend a miserable life with a man you don’t like.

Having a job and knowing you have an escape route one day, will make you feel so much better.

@Meekinheritance I understand what you are saying by having a back up plan. I hope it never gets to that but I understand why women may do this. I do feel the reality in my situation there would never be a good back up plan.

We never bought a house, DHs choice not mine, so financially I would get nothing except child maintenance.

In order to buy a house of my own I would need a substantial salary, difficult if you are a single mum with no childcare help. I truly believe now buying a house with one salary in today's world is near impossible unless you have significant deposit £50k plus.

I want my DC to have a good life and on my own I know life would be hard financially so I need to make this marriage work.

Thing is, making a marriage work is not just down to one person. He has to want it to work too. I’m older than you, so I now know quite a few SAHMs who got ditched by their H’s once the kids had grown. These men had a long time to plan it and hide as many assets as they can.

You also say it’s his choice not to buy a house. I have a friend who was in a marriage like that. She was always a SAHM, never worked, H always chose to rent not buy. He had an affair and ditched her ( once the kids had left home), she got literally nothing in the divorce and he went on to buy with his mistress ( now girlfriend) . She is now in her 60s and exhausted from working as a self employed cleaner and panicking about whether she will earn enough to pay rent each month.

So when the kids are in school I would urge you to go back full time. You need to have money to support yourself if it comes to that. Even if it’s when the kids are grown. A lonely life and having sex with a man you don’t like is not one to become trapped in. If you struggle to have sex with him now, it’s not going to be easier once you are in menopause.

So yes build up a social like separate from him and your own life outside of him, but build up your financial independence too.

I do completely understand about the cost. The ridiculous housing costs and cost of living are trapping many in unhappy marriages. But you do need to think long term so you are not trapped for life.

And given the cost of renting, I’d be suspicious of his refusal to buy. That’s not a sensible choice.

No this is not normal

Just to add, I know other women where the H had managed to contrive things so the house was the only asset the wife could claim a share of in a divorce. It’s the one thing men can’t hide or move under other ownership etc. So if you don’t have that, you are potentially very financially vulnerable in a divorce. I do think with more people renting or buying very late in life ( so less equity in the house) it’s becoming even harder for more women ( and men) to leave unhappy marriages.

Not buying a house when you can is a very deliberate move.

That sounds like an extremely controlling thing to do.

For so many women having a child is the very worst thing you can do to your life and security.

Why wouldn't he want the security of owning a home?

The only reason is that it is an asset that would be shared.

I think that reads as so premeditated and sinister.

I think you should talk to a domestic abuse charity, as his behaviour is so controlling.

Could you put your name down for housing?

You need to think about work and retraining and get back out there.

So you’re a SAHM with no assets or access to money who is being controlled by a dullard she can’t talk to, and who doesn’t parent his own children unless forced to?

Fuck that, OP. Get yourself back to work or retrain, and make an exit plan. That’s no way to live.

Agree He doesn’t have the right to vetoe inviting people round. Also I am aghast he watches tv during the day when he has young children. He sounds utterly selfish and boring.