Is my marriage boring or is this life?

[Anon657]

I'm honestly just bored. It comes to the weekend and I think here we go again. Is this standard for everyone?

Every weekend, there is no suggestion of what to do. I ALWAYS have to suggest something. My DH openly admits that he doesn't suggest anything because he doesn't really care and will just do what I say. He doesn't particularly enjoy doing whatever we do but he comes along to be with his family.

Most weekends I will go to my DM one morning with our DC and the other we will go to the park/town/soft play. I will spend the rest of the afternoon in the garden with DC. My DH will stay inside watching TV. He also spends part of the morning working out and goes for an hour motorbike ride.

He doesn't want to socialise with other people, he won't let me have people around and he doesn't want to go away on holiday.

To be honest since having children, my DH grates on me. I cannot fault him when it comes to chores. He does the washing up, cooking, and turns on the washing machine and empties it for me to put away. I do the parenting, getting dressed, lunchboxes, bath time, bedtime, getting bag ready for the day. Truly I'm exhausted and I have told my DH many times. For context we have a 11 month old and 25 month old. I'm a stay at home mum. my DH goes on about sex all the time and I really can't be bothered. We probably have it 3xmonth. I know that's not much but since having children I just don't care for it. Is this a normal phase people go through while parenting young ones? Am I expecting too much? I open to criticism here!

I'd say you need to find a hobby or two if he likes staying at home.
You could go swimming or start riding a bike etc etc.
I'd also just have people round if you want and don't let him bother you about it.
Or if you don't see a future with him how it is........
Good luck.

It isn’t ’marriage boring’ or ‘life’ - it’s your particular husband is an absent parent.

Sorry, this might be a red herring, but what is this all about he turns on the washing machine and empties it for me to put away.
How is turning on a washing machine ( a two-second task) and emptying it ( a 5 second task at most) even a thing? Is he telling you that this is a contribution made by him to justify him leaving you with the DC while he goes off and does his hobbies?
I think you could use the fact that he doesn't want to go out to your advantage. You should get at least as much free time as he does, so when he comes back from gym/motorcycle ride, waltz out that door to do your thing, whether it's an exercise class or meeting friends without kids in tow.
It is absolutely normal for a woman's libido to tail off after having DC, especially when yours are both still young and you are permanently exhausted. If he's acting like a selfish git, then that's not very attractive either, it's not going to make you feel all warm and fuzzy towards him, is it?

I’ve just read it again / I missed the how he controls you bit. He’s awful op and I would imagine you and your children would be far happier if you left this relationship. Then you and them as they get older can have friends round, go on holidays and actually enjoy life.

He won’t allow you to have people round? At all?

Does he attempt to isolate you from people in other ways? Whats he like if you want to go out without the children ?

And re the sex thing / of course you don’t want to have sex with someone who puts zero effort in to making your life pleasant, no one would.

Find some things to do for yourself OP. Join a hobby group or some thing. I think that would help you feel less bored.

But I also understand you want to do things as a family and with your partner be somewhat enthusiastic about it. People like your DH can be a real killer. You might just be in that phase of life (with a young baby) where sex is of zero interest, but there's probably also the fact he's probably doing F all to turn you on. Some men think simply fondling your body will do the trick. They just don't understand that it takes more most of the time - showing some leadership in the family, taking you out for a nice meal, being a great dad, displaying a zest for life, being affectionate. A complete vibe killer who only spends time with his family out of duty is hardly going to be attractive. Where sex is concerned, have you explained this to him?

You lost me at "allow"....

Ooh that bit about not letting you have people round made me cringe. Who does he think he is? It's your house as much as his - invite a friend round and he'll either have to deal with it or die miffed. Was he always like this, or has it got worse recently?

Ugh I had one of these H’s. He just couldn’t be arsed. Not engaged with family activities. Made my friends and family unwelcome at home. I’m much happier now I’m divorced!

I cannot fault him when it comes to chores. He ... turns on the washing machine and empties it for me to put away

You can certainly damn him with feint praise though!

He “won’t let you” have people round? What? Why not? And why does he get to decide?

What is the point of you and he being together at all?. This is not the relationship model to be showing your dc.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Why does he not want people around?.

Does he make a big thing of cooking and emptying the washing machine also?. He’s not father of the year if is he, let alone father material. He’s absent and likely spends far more time on his motorbike or watching tv than with his children.

I was bored just reading your OP.

You’re not allowed to have friends over? He empties the washing machine ‘for you’? What a prince. Fuck that.

He sounds awful and it doesn’t sound like your children get much enrichment from having fun with friends when you’re hosting. It sounds deathly dull and controlling.

Op I don't want to freak you out but I think your marriage is worse than you realise. No husband (or wife) is perfect but there are a few really bad things here. Not being "allowed" to have people round is a red flag and sounds abusive. Not wanting to socialise or go on holiday are not necessarily abusive but are extreme positions that most people couldn't live with, they are not things he should be unilaterally deciding on. Disengaging from family life, hassling you for sex and doing none of the parenting are also unacceptable. When you put all of that together it's actually pretty bad. I would advise you to start planning to leave even if that is a 2-3 year plan.

Having young children can be a bit relentless, and you’ve probably got a touch of cabin fever by the weekend, whilst he’s happy to take a break from work.

It doesn't sound much fun, I'll give you that.

It's not my experience of family life, DH and I used to do tons of things with the kids when they were little. Summer is great for festivals, splash parks, beach or forest days out. We would take a picnic and even take their pjs so we could stay out late and tuck them straight into bed when we got home.

Apart from the “not allowing you” to have people around and “you do the parenting” (what exactly does that mean?) it just sounds like he likes the quiet life. TBH with young kids yes that’s what life can be like - you take them to the park, play inside and out, rinse and repeat. Aside from potential control issues maybe you need a hobby to get you out of the house.

I think you need to organise what you would like to do - holidays, days out etc. - and just tell him you have done it and he is welcome to join you all if he wants.

He needs mental health help. Depression? Paranoia? Something is very wrong.

I wouldn’t want to spend a morning every weekend with MIL and the park/soft play is also pretty boring.

We tend to do one weekend day going out doing something - walk, beach, National Trust, activity - though admittedly mine are much older than yours. And then one day at home. If he wants to just be home watching tv, leave the kids with him and go do something. He misses out on seeing them all week so deserves time to solo parent. Also, decide something to do, tell him in advance and you all go out and do it. Go meet friends for a walk or lunch without him, with or without the kids.

Parenting children that age is pretty boring so yes, a lot of it is like this, but he does have to make an effort. I can understand though just wanting to stay at home and relax after a busy week working if he’s been on the go all week. Kids can learn to potter too. But it’s about finding that balance between days out and resting at home. You have to do a bit of both.

He does sound controlling, and passive. My advice would be build your own life. Go back to work so you’re not financially reliant on him, you’re leaving yourself vulnerable to a controlling man by being a SAHM. Also, find some hobbies or see your friends and let him look after his kids.

Thanks everyone for your messages. Has been an interesting read.

I definitely think I need time for myself as I think this has been slowly building resentment. I feel like it's my responsibility to always look after the kids as im a SAHM. DH is fine if I go out without kids, but I don't think he'd be happy if it was all the time for hours, but if it's occasional or maybe an hour every week I think he would be ok. Although I do know they would just end up staying inside watching TV which bugs me a little bit

You are also right, I know deep down the low sex drive is partly due to the fact that I'm frustrated about the situation. I haven't actually told him this about my sex drive because if I'm completely honest with myself I find him impossible to talk to. I either get shutdown, or silent treatment. There is never a resolution so to be honest what's the point.

Don't get me wrong we do lots of things with the kids, but like someone said I don't want him to come out of duty I actually would like some enthusiasm, but you can't change that.

The DC love him to pieces. I go out a lot with DC in the week so they do lots but to be honest that's why at the weekend I would really like him there helping me out because I'm burnt out.

Yes I have considered whether we are truly right for each other, but the truth is life would be worse if I were single raising two children by myself. It is very easy for people to say but the reality of it is very different. You would have to be earning a very good wage to live a comfortable life. I mean just finding a home in the southeast to rent is extortionate. I don't know how single mums do it.

So thank you for the ideas, about getting a hobby , and making plans anyway without him. I think this is a good starting point to maybe give me some breathing space.

I’m so glad you’ve posted this, DP and I recently moved in together and I’ve been wondering if I’m just mental because I’m only a month in and I feel like I’m grieving my previous life in a weird way?? As in I actually feel quite sad lately.

He’s perfect as is so no fault to him, I just keep thinking about how I miss when I could just chill by myself, or eat whatever I wanted without having to account that we both need feeding etc.

It’s been weird.

@canisquaeso I do think that is quite a normal feeling to have. Once you move in with someone you can no longer do what you please you have to take into consideration your DP as well. So I honestly wouldn't worry, I think that is a normal feeling. Like me, I think you need space for yourself, to do the things you like.