In my 50s - friend group?

[DoesThisMeanIAmOld]

As the title says I am in my early 50s, our DCs are grown and gone.
My colleagues are colleagues, an alarming number of my school friends have died.

For the past 3 decades I have been raising DCs, building a career, having a busy life.
Suddenly I look around, it is just my husband and I.
DH does not need anyone else, whereas I would really like some friends.
DH is intelligent, but he has no interest in having a good gab about Katie Price and Lee Andrew’s, or what everyone is wearing in Cannes.

We live in the middle of nowhere.
I would love to find a group of women of a similar age to me, to have a laugh, chat about books, telly, films and complain about hormones, life etc.
An online group would be great.

This all reads as very narcissistic, I would like to be a friend, I miss that too.
If I feel this way there must be other women experiencing similar.

I’ve NC as I feel like a right saddo, a literal billy no mates.

Does anyone know where I could find something like this?

@Xmasbaby11 I agree completely, although I would say that it is my friends who have been unlucky.
One friend died of a massive heart attack in their sleep, they were not overweight, they were very physically active, ate healthily, all of the right things.
Then bang, gone aged 48.

My Uni friends are a perfect example of busy middle age, which I why I don’t see them very often, I absolutely understand, I have utmost respect for the things they do and the choices they make.
It is only by chance that I am a few years older and at a completely different life stage.
All of my Uni friends keep in touch, we have an online group together, there is at least one message every day and sometimes there are loads.
If they need me or vice versa we are right there for each other.

We do see our DCs and we speak to them a lot.
They send a ‘proof of life’ message daily.
This morning one of them sent me a WhatsApp saying ‘jealous?’ With a photo of my them eating my favourite kind of breakfast 😆.
Our DCs are busy making their own way in the world and that is exactly as it should be.
They come to stay when they need some Mum and Dad time, which is lovely because we can give them our full attention.

We/I don’t have any lost friends, unless you count the ones who have died?
Maybe I will start that seance group after all…

I have sent DMs to some people including @Lizzbear If you would like me to send you a message please tag me here or feel free to message me yourself.

I must get on with some work now…

I’d love to join an online book group but like @Lizzbear I don’t know how to send a DM

I’d love to join too OP, this sounds great!

@IWasThere4Aug12 and @Reportingfromwherever I will send you both messages now.
Apologies that I have taken my time, I hadn’t slept last night so I had to get some work done this evening.

Some Women’s Institutes are virtual and meet online, you can try some out as a guest with no commitment

Very interesting thread, OP. I don't have loads to add but maybe a few hopefully helpful comments.

I am in a similar boat, not from a health point of view, but situationally. I have just been made redundant recently and we only moved here 5 years ago. My husband works full time but mainly from home with travel and I was in a similar job so don't have any friends made locally via a work set up. My kids have all left home except the younger one who is at sixth form, and we have made some friends via her locally BUT what I have learned is that it takes quite a long time to consolidate these friendships at our age and everyone is busy/still working/has an established circle of family/friends. My family is abroad and largely remote, as is my husband's.

I find these days that most of my social activities require travel - either to London or abroad or somewhere else, which makes it quite sporadic. We do see these new friends but mainly now and then and they aren't the same friendship I had with people I knew when I was younger - you know the sort of people you share everything with or who step in when there's an issue - we have largely found ourselves dealing with any emergency/issue completely alone.

In saying all that, I am making the most of the friendship I have made and enjoying the times we do spend together; my husband is also trying by joining a sports club in a nearby town and I think once retired we will probably try and do more. It isn't easy though and I say this as someone who I would say is on the extreme side of sociable, so have also found it easy to strike a friendship - I basically talk to anyone anywhere!!!

Finally, on the more morbid side of things - I think it's really difficult when friends die - I have had one school friend who died in his 40s and quite a few husbands of friends who have died (not many but enough to make you sit up and think). And also work colleagues in my wider network. It seems to sadly be more men, especially those in highly stressful jobs. But I digress.

I wish you good luck in your quest, I am confident you will make it work.

On the moving thing - I also understand you don't want to move and why. On paper we would also be better off and have thought of living somewhere with more accessible town/facilities. The reality though is that we like the peace and quiet, the view and the space. It's hard to think of compromising on that, especially when you have only recently made that decision to move. Even more complicated if like us, you have multiple children who like to spend time at home and so you need and want the space to accommodate them - so I totally get it.

I could have written this thread op ! Exactly the same so just parking on this bench if you don’t mind because I could do with some answers too !

@DoesThisMeanIAmOld sorry meant to say yes please to the book club !

If Anyone is in Abu Dhabi and wants to meet up please do dm me - great thread OP

@Travelban I was reading your message through, saying to myself “yes, that’s me. Yes, that too. Yes that again. Not me but my friend is that. And on, and on.”

It is difficult when friends die, if we are including partners or friends of friends I know a lot.
Recently I realised that your mid 20s - 40s seem to be relatively ‘safe’. After 40 though? All bets are off.
One of our group died aged 22 from poisoning via a banned substance which silently resided in her home.
Yes, her actual home killed her.
This was the early 90s. We knew about the dangers and there was had been recent legislation, it was just too late for her.
The male friends who have died were both in their 40s, one cancer and one an embolism.
Of the friends I made later; Uni friends and Mum friends, friendly acquaintances, there have been a handful of cancers.
Late middle age is not for the faint-hearted, literally.
I imagine the death of people we love never gets easier.

I’m a chatty person too.
As you say, people in their late 40s, early 50s are often very busy and tied up with their families or existing friendships. If they are happy then I am happy for them.

Your situation does sound similar to ours, though the epilepsy adds an extra layer of complexity.

The friendships deep enough for you to share everything take years to develop and I would not expect that to happen.
There will be people I get on with locally and maybe they will be friends.
Since we moved there were the illness, diagnosis and many hospital stays.
It is only now that I can take a breath and think ‘I would like more friends, how do I go about that?’ Especially as my circumstances have changed.

Wrt not wanting to move? Yes! You do understand and it’s not just us.
We too have multiple children who like to come back and stay too.

Thank you for wishing me luck, it is appreciated 😊

@Travelban finally I have to ask: is that a nod to the Lee Andrews/Katie Price situation?
If so there were reports yesterday that say he was released from Police custody?
Is there an MN thread? If so, where?

@londoncoffee of course you can join the book club.
Please can you DM me on here?
Then I will give you all of the information.
Thank you 😊

To everyone saying I should go to church.
Only around 6% of the UK population goes to church regularly. Who would I meet there? Churches are empty!

Who decided that I am a Christian?
Or I have any belief at all?

Some churches are really busy, I think these are the catholic churches? Not wishing to offend anyone, but is it ok to be a social member of the catholic faith?!

Is there a local dog owners / walking Facebook Group?
If you join lots of groups like that you can end up meeting up for walks, or recognising each others dogs as a starter for chatting

Is there a library anywhere near? Put up a poster asking if anyone wants to join an online book group - or ask the library if you can meet in the library?

If you live somewhere lovely and remote I bet people will love to come and stay if there is anyone you can get in touch with. If your Uni friends' Dc are A Level age can they be left at home for the weekend while the parents visit? Or just invite the parent you know on their own and the other parent can come. Though I know working families like family time at weekends. But your new location might just tempt them! I'd come if its good for walks / hill walking / coast / history etc.

A couple of people suggested it, trying to be helpful and answer your question, I guess. Churches, like pubs, are often the focus for socialising in rural/isolated areas.

I included Church in my list of many different places people often make friends.
I didn't say you should go. People have been making suggestions.
In rural areas particularly, Churches are often the focal point of an area.
Nobody "decided you are a Christian or have any belief at all" anymore than anybody suggested you like to read a lot of books or do crafts or like singing or want to walk a dog. People are just responding to your thread, by suggesting various places that they have made friends over the years or they know where other people have made friends.

"Churches are empty" is obviously not true across the Country, but, if that's something you've investigated and found to be true of your local Church, then nobody on this thread was able to know that. People have just responded to the question you asked, with the information they had at the time.