In my 50s - friend group?

[DoesThisMeanIAmOld]

As the title says I am in my early 50s, our DCs are grown and gone.
My colleagues are colleagues, an alarming number of my school friends have died.

For the past 3 decades I have been raising DCs, building a career, having a busy life.
Suddenly I look around, it is just my husband and I.
DH does not need anyone else, whereas I would really like some friends.
DH is intelligent, but he has no interest in having a good gab about Katie Price and Lee Andrew’s, or what everyone is wearing in Cannes.

We live in the middle of nowhere.
I would love to find a group of women of a similar age to me, to have a laugh, chat about books, telly, films and complain about hormones, life etc.
An online group would be great.

This all reads as very narcissistic, I would like to be a friend, I miss that too.
If I feel this way there must be other women experiencing similar.

I’ve NC as I feel like a right saddo, a literal billy no mates.

Does anyone know where I could find something like this?

There’s a Facebook group called UK cool retired women. It’s not like it sounds, the names naff but it’s just women of a similar age talking about stuff. They do have meet ups etc. But it def could be a look at my crap pottery place 😂. Have a look at them, it’s pretty normal and chit chatty.

What about the modern equivalent of a penfriend? I like the idea but feel less comfortable about opening up to people online these days.

I don't normally bother to say this but it is a bit rude to ask for thoughts then sound irritated when people engage! I don't know you or anything about you, I personally have moved and been lonely so do often answer when people talk about how to make friends as it is something I know about.

It sounds as if you are perfectly aware of how to make friends in a way that suits you? that's great hope you find some!

@PermanentTemporary the WI is a good idea.
With apologies to everyone who has mentioned it before, I have not acknowledged you all but I have already made enquiries.

U3A is an excellent idea too - thank you.

Thank you @Queenage I didn’t know about that group, I’ll take a look. Though I’m not actually retired I am part time.
Epilepsy meant I had to leave my previous role, which was a blow because I loved my job. I am lucky that I can use my skills to WFH.
🤣 I do love crap pottery, I don’t discriminate, other bad art makes me chuckle too. I did not claim to be a nice person, it’s not as though I could do better. 🥴

A penpal sounds really great @ThisKeenPinkSnail I do understand. When people have messaged me here I have said I am going to set up a new anonymous email address and I am suggesting others do the same.
That way we can all be safe, if anyone starts being weird we will just block them.
It seems like the safest way to me?

Would it be mad if I started up an online book club?

I would definitely join!

I think you have been unlucky with friends. I am 50 and not lost anyone in my generation yet - I appreciate I'm lucky.

However, 50s can be a busy decade for those who had kids older such as me and my friends - we all have early teens and elderly parents, plus perimenopause and trying to keep on top of careers - so not enough time for each other as friends, let alone time to make new friends.

Lots of good ideas from pp about starting groups and just trying everything you can that's mildly interesting and in reach of your house. I would also reconnect with lost friends, even if they are not local and you don't see them regularly.

I think friendships are a bit overrated, imo. I'm 56. Every single female friend I have had, has let me down in some way. My closest friends didn't even call me when my first marriage broke down. My best friend slept with my husband (he is an ex now obvs). Another friend attacked me, because some guy she liked fancied me. Another friend accused me of having an affair with her DH, because I sided with him, when she was falling down drunk and wouldn't hand her daughter over. Even my own sibling has done some pretty bad things to me (I was even hospitalised).

I've moved since all this, and have found friendships in my new town, but I am ever mindful that people can't be trusted, and whilst I will go out with these women sometimes, I do not get emotionally involved - they wouldn't know that, but my mind is very closed off in that regard.

The only people I trust are my DH and my adult children. I'm like the Dad in "Meet the fockers" with my circle of trust 😆

What I would recommend Op, is TRAVEL! My DH and I travel, long haul twice a year. We have met so many people on our travels. Okay, they aren't close friends, but we do connect on FB, and I find that really interesting. We are currently planning an awesome trip across Australia, where I know we will meet loads of people - especially as part of it is on a train through the Outback, where we will be travelling for 4 days with a group of people. We find meeting new people really interesting. When DH retires next year, we will travel even more - probably for 3 months every winter.

I'm 56, and all of these things sound as though they would be for people way older than me! Surely 70+ ?

If we had free time, we would go out for dinner, or go to busy pubs or a day disco. Are people in their 50's really knitting? 😳

i use ChatGPT for my inane drivel chats 😂

Ive realised that I don't actually want friends per se, but a quick catch up and then I'm done. Which is seen as being rude but when I've had enough I've had enough! Literally taken me years to come to terms with! The problem is me not other people 🤦🏻‍♀️

friends ask for things that I can't give
sadly even though I want to. Anyway. So that's why I use ai - always there for my perfume, book, gossip, holiday chats and then I'm satisfied for a bit 😊

I don't think I'm explaining myself very well but hopefully someone will get what I'm wanging on about

I’ll message you, but I don’t know how. I do t have the “premium feature “ but you’re welcome to message me!

Hi @Lizzbear messaging isn't a premier feature, just press the 3 dots on the top right of a post, choose p,m All the best

Thanks. But there are only these options for me when I click-on the post

Would not let me post the picture mod
It won’t even allow me to post the photo of the options, but no option to message

Same OP. My best friend had a brain bleed and is no longer able to communicate. I do go and chat to her.

Another friend has moved away and I’m in a relatively new job I am very much the outsider. It’s an odd sensation. I wanted to talk to someone about the incredible dress I got from Cos yesterday and how much I loved Heated Rivalry but there is no one.
I used to have so many people but things have changed.
I completely understand how you feel and I’m sorry.

I joined my local WI when I was mid 40s, a lot of groups are aimed at younger women now. There was no jam or Jerusalem, and I met a group of friends I would never have crossed paths with otherwise. Our WI never quite recovered from lockdown, but the friendships remain.

What's wrong with knitting? I wish I could knit. There's a local group of women of all ages who get together to knit blankets that are given to parents who lose a baby at birth or are born premature. I think that's a lovely thing to share. You're never too young or old for some things.

What an odd perception.

In my 20s, I used to occasionally go along to things organised by my friend's WI - they were mostly in their 40s. But if you enjoy the activity (I fondly remember a brewery tour, for example) then what would it matter if there were age differences ?

I learned to knit as a child. Made quite a few jumpers as a teen. I don't knit all the time, but have done so in all decades.

Book group - you can't seriously think reading is just for people 70+ ??? Many book groups meet in pubs. I went to one once and it wasn't really about books - half the people didn't read them. It was a chance for Mums of young dc to go round to one another's houses once the dc were in bed, and chat - often over a bottle of wine or two.

Volunteering and Joining Committees - how do you think events get organised? How do you think people get long service awards and recognition for 40, 50 or more years of Volunteering, if people don't do this until their 70s ? How do you think Young Farmers Club events get organised? How do you think sports tournaments or guide and Scout camps get organised ?

Go to a Church - er are you seriously not aware that Churches are for all ages ?
Join a choir - you know you can sing in choirs at any age ? My current choir, you do have to be 18 to join, but there are youth choirs and children's choirs around too. However, people in their 40s and 50s have always sung in choirs.

You should get out and try things without such age prejudice. You might find you enjoy some of them if you opened your mind a bit.

Gosh ageist attitude at work there. I crochet (badly) but love trying to make stuff. You do know there is an entire sub culture dedicated to knitting, crocheting even spinning yarn. There are literally thousands of Millenial & GenZ Youtubers dedicated to producing content.

The university where I work runs a programme of adult education leisure type classes, and quite a few are online. I did an online course on The History of Witchcraft run by a very knowledgeable historian, and there were people from all over the world participating. It was very friendly with lots of discussion around a subject we were all interested in. If something like that would be of interest, have a look at the university websites for details.

@waterrat my frustration is because I have said we will not be moving. Then I added more details to that. Then I explained further why we won’t be moving.
And still people keep writing ‘move’.

To give another example:
It’s like writing LTB, of course some people really should LTB immediately because their lives are at risk.
OTOH LTB is not the answer for others. Some posters come to MN to let off steam about their partner, or because they can’t see the wood for the trees. And people say LTB.
Normal relationships wax and wain, some people need to go to counselling and they are posting here to get input from strangers presumably their friends and family have pre-existing ideas about their relationship.

I’m only using LTB as an illustration.
Moving is expensive, exhausting and would not solve the problem that I cannot leave the house alone.
Additionally I love where we live and it is good for my mental health.
Having written ‘no’ surely PPs should accept that without explaining my whole life story?
Some people have made really good suggestions, I am taking those on board and saying thank you.

I’m not retired either haha but I quite like that group 🤩

@PinkEasterbunny you are on! Thank you, I will send you a DM.

This post was brilliant - thank you! I thought I was a bit odd feeling like this too.
im now going to get off my backside and look at fling more travel - I love people but struggle with finding deep close friendships - my bar must be way too high and I usually feel let down in some way at some point.

You sound great to me 🤩

I will send you a message.