In my 50s - friend group?

[DoesThisMeanIAmOld]

As the title says I am in my early 50s, our DCs are grown and gone.
My colleagues are colleagues, an alarming number of my school friends have died.

For the past 3 decades I have been raising DCs, building a career, having a busy life.
Suddenly I look around, it is just my husband and I.
DH does not need anyone else, whereas I would really like some friends.
DH is intelligent, but he has no interest in having a good gab about Katie Price and Lee Andrew’s, or what everyone is wearing in Cannes.

We live in the middle of nowhere.
I would love to find a group of women of a similar age to me, to have a laugh, chat about books, telly, films and complain about hormones, life etc.
An online group would be great.

This all reads as very narcissistic, I would like to be a friend, I miss that too.
If I feel this way there must be other women experiencing similar.

I’ve NC as I feel like a right saddo, a literal billy no mates.

Does anyone know where I could find something like this?

Genuinely - have you thought about moving? You're pretty dependent on your DH and remote living as you get older will make it harder to access services.
Hobby groups and volunteering. I do both, one connected to gardening and the other is volunteering as a youth leader. Best of all worlds - I get to do things I enjoy, alongside people with similar interests, my life is varied, I do something worthwhile and have made some lovely friends. My other best source of local chums has been my neighbours. I have maybe 4/5 close friends and a wider network of many more. Just by living in the same village/similar age and backgrounds.

@DoesThisMeanIAmOld
I’m also in my 50s and have epilepsy but thankfully I live in a city so can get about. It must be a real pain living rurally. Is there a bus/train/cab company you can use to get places? Are you never a year seizure free? I know some people are drug resistant or don’t feel comfortable driving anyway.

I do have friends but my social life isn’t the same as it was when younger. Could you turn a colleague in to a friend or us there no-one suitable? Can you get to some type of group? Book club or similar? I’m in a small one and we talk about the book for 5 mins!

Thank you for all of your posts, even if something is not right for me it may be just what someone else needs.

@Newlittlerescue it is my school friends who keep dying!

At school we were a group of eight, 3 lads & 5 girls.
Of the eight of us 5 are dead (yes, really).
1 emigrated to New Zealand and dropped all of us I don’t think she has been back to the UK in over 20 years.
1 of us was famous for a minute in 1997 at which point she decided we were all dull because she had found cocaine and loved it (I wish I was joking here).
Even then various of us did try to stay friends with the New Zealand person. She had been a bit wild in her youth, went travelling, met a Kiwi bloke and they were married within two months, IMO she wanted a clean slate. Fair enough.
Mildly famous friend became paranoid that we wanted her for the fame and money (none of us cared about that, we cared about her).

It is a lovely idea, suffice to say I really have tried with school friends.
Maybe I should start seance club? 🥴

I’m one of a group of five Uni friends, they are all younger I was a mature student and busy with their families as theirs are still at home.
We keep in touch - birthdays, Christmas etc. Maybe when their kids have flown they will be up for some adventures again.

@Icecreamisthebest the book club is a great idea. Unfortunately there is a waiting list.
For a book club in Australia.
I’m sure it’s really good but it seems a bit much to wait for a book club.
If that sounds snarky, I don’t mean it to be. 😊 I think it’s funny.

Having looked at the book club site has made me think why don’t I do that?
As in start a book club.
If anyone else likes the idea and thinks they would like to jointly run a book club, please let me know.

Would it be mad if I started up an online book club?
And/or a group for friends? 🤔

I really am going back to sleep now.
Thanks again everyone, I will write more later.

Look for an app called stitch. It's been made exactly for this reason for over 50's to chat (online only though).

I was just coming on here to say start a book club but I see you have already decided to investigate that. I hope it works out for you!

Longer term I would really consider moving somewhere less isolated. I think the big dream of moving somewhere rural and remote when the kids leave home, on retirement etc is great initially, but not very future-proof as it relies on you both being in good health and able to drive. I do think there’s a case to be made for moving back into towns and cities as we age!

I'd be up for an online book club! A local one was meant to start this year that I put my name down for but the guy running it pulled out. The other 2 locally, one is full and one only wants a certain demographic that I don't meet!

I've had three friends die in my 40s. All from cancer. One was aged in their 50s, two in their 40s. Come to think of it, I can add my BIL to the list who also died when he was in his 40s from cancer.

I'm lucky to work at a place where friendships and marriages start. I have a friend group there developed over the last 20 years.

I have a friend I met working in an earlier era and we have somehow made a very strong group out of mutual friends on both sides.

I have a few mum friends. We used to do get togethers as a group but it now tends to be individual coffee meet ups.

DH and I go to church. We started because DS wanted to and that's very sociable both formally and informally.

I think a hobby is a good way to meet people. DH took up learning languages and that's created a friend group. They bond over how difficult the intermediate Japanese is 🤣

Pottery is popular and another one locally is bookbinding. There's a concert goers group at the local uni that seems to get likeminded people meeting. Parkrun and going to the gym might be a way

My mum met all her friends through this in the 80s somewhere rural. It was the housewives register back then

https://nwr.org.uk/network/groups/?_group_map=44.538736%2C-9.624807%2C61.446073%2C5.931834

The above does have online groups

U3a also have online groups. Wea do online courses etc.

I literally do a group of about 10,bring any book they wish chat have coffee and cake and that's it, I do a quiz small price that's it fund a cafe or restaurant happy to put a table aside most will if u ask and proto, you'd be surprised that invites come from that and plan days out cinema trips from that it's kinda working for me!

@DoesThisMeanIAmOld i would be up for an online book club- in my late 50s but all the book clubs near me are for a younger demographic 😃

Do you have a local library that runs social groups ? Church coffee mornings ? Join the nearest Meet up to you or start your own meet up group. I found a ladies lunch club through meet up. Or start a book club, a walking group etc whatever you’re interested in there’s usually others looking for the same thing. Do you have a FAB cafe (Friends Ageing Better) near you which is run by Age UK for over 50s ? Check their website. They also do FAB discos, exercise classes, t’ai chi etc

To anyone telling me to move house?
No.

We previously lived in a busier place.
It did not keep my friends alive and I did not have more friends.

Certainly I found it easier to make friends when the children were small, but that was over 20 years ago.

I’m not in Australia, some posters think I am, I am in the UK and I am an insomniac because peri 🤨

@sunnydisaster epilepsy is relatively new to me. I was diagnosed after a big seizure where I was badly injured.
I’ve tried every medication/type of medication and the only one I can take is Pregabalin, which does not prevent seizures.
I’m under a great neurology team, there is only so much they can do.

If anything happened to DH I would probably stay here and employ people to help if I needed.

Could you make a list of what there is to do in your area - and just make a game/experiment of trying everything?

I also am a big advocate of reminding people - if you don't see a group you want - start one! I have in my life instigated situations where I was lonely - I think a lot of people are waiting for others to be that force for change.

It sounds like you have chosen somewhere where you are isolated - and now you aren't enjoying that aspect of it.

Would you consider moving? Life is long - and if you can't drive that feels a bit block.

I thought of the Womens Institute when I read your post I think others have mentioned it too

Also - volunteering - ? Hard again if you don't drive but what are your nearest towns/ opportunities etc for that.

sorry I posted then saw you don't want to move.

Is there a local pub where you could start meet ups? Church? Does the church do work locally with recently arrived refugees or with mums and babies? Gtting out and about you would eventually meet like minded people even if not obvious at first.

ramblers? if you are rural - could you start a womens walking group? So many people are lonely ! I bet if you start something others would join.

Obviously moving would be a HUGE decision, and, as you've not lived there long, you probably aren't ready, but nobody is in any way suggesting it would keep friends alive.

However realistically, if you live 'very remotely' and are unable to drive, I am not sure you have many options for meeting new people and potentially forming new friendships. Which is why people are suggesting that as being something to think about.

When you live closer to other people,

• you are obviously more likely to be able to both find groups of people already meeting for 101 different things,
• and / or able to meet many times more people (and making friends is a bit of a numbers game - you often have to get along with dozens of people before one becomes a closer friend)
• If you start a group around a particular interest, you are more likely to find other people who want to join you
• you can commit to getting to whatever it is you join, or start, without having to wait for the bus that comes once a week, on market day.

Do you have a dog or would you consider getting one? Apparently that's a good way to meet people. My sister met one of her closest friends when they were both walking their dogs. How rural are you? I've recently seen someone advertising a walking group to meet people and a dog walking group in the local group on Facebook. But obviously if you're literally one house in the middle of nowhere that probably wouldn't work.

Sounds like online might be your best option. Randomly I'm in a WhatsApp group with some other ladies I met on a different thread on here. The group started with a specific purpose but we now chat about anything and everything. Do you have any interests that you could join a dedicated forum for and get to know people that way?

@waterrat @JustGiveMeReason @Gottagetfitin26
Please see my explanation below.

We moved here after Covid.
I was late 40s and healthy.
There are women the same age on MN having babies at the same age.
There is no history of epilepsy in my family.
A year after we moved I had my first seizure.
No medication worked.
One medication caused such an adverse reaction that I was admitted to the ICU.
My career had to change.
I did drive when we moved here.
As it is uncontrolled I cannot leave our house alone.
This would be the same whether I lived in the Orkney Isles or Central London.
Since we moved 1 each of our patients have died, a handful of other family members and two of my friends.
We love it here.
The nearest bus stop is a quick walk up the road.
There are a lot of buses here.
I cannot travel on the bus alone.
We are within walking distance from our nearest village.
We love that it is isolated here.
We go to the local pub and like it.
We have a dog, she is very loved and we are thinking of getting more.
Proximity to other people (cities) can still be lonely.
I have some ideas for groups to start.

To me this is why the Women’s Institute exists, I’d start there. That and U3A. You could start a U3A tea and chat group, or join their book club (some U3as have several book clubs) or a mah jong club or…

If you choose to live in the arse end of nowhere there won’t be may social opportunities apart from online groups.