How To Survive Husband’s Infidelity with Sex Worker

[FadingFastest]

Please be gentle - this is new and raw and I don’t know which way is up right now.

Married 18 years - one DD aged 17- moved countries a few years ago and don’t have much of a support network here.

DH has history of telling silly lies - that I have caught him out on. Things like being away with work and lying about how long he stayed out on an evening - no matter how many times I’ve said it’s the lies that’s the issue, rather than the sitting in a pub with his work colleagues.

DH has admitted to being disloyal to me and flirty with other women in the past - which has been unbearably hurtful but he swears he has not been unfaithful.

He has just got back from an overseas work trip - during which I felt something was ‘off’ with his communication with me - then I caught him out on a lie.

I reacted by moving all his things to the spare room - which shocked him when he got home a week ago, but he tried twisting facts to ultimately make me feel guilty for doing this.

Today he went to show me something on his phone and I saw a photo - then further photos - turns out he paid a local sex worker (he was in Asia) to visit him at his hotel on 2 occasions and took her out for drinks on a 3rd occasion. She then FaceTimed him while he was at work on Friday and he’d taken a screenshot of her half undressed.

He twisted and turned his story - only revealing actual facts as I repeatedly proved his timeline etc incorrect (time date stamps on the photos etc).

He wants to stay together for the sake of DD and because I’m so important to him, apparently!

I have been through just about every emotion over the last few days - including feeling guilt for setting him up in the spare room just for a few lies.

I now see I’m not guilty and I feel steely cold and detached - but I’m now stuck in a foreign country with a DD who is about to take big exams. I work full time but he is the bigger wage earner and I can’t afford the house on my own.

I’m very tempted to go along with his feeble attempt to apologise and claim it will never happen again - bide my time, get DD off to Uni and slowly build an exit strategy for when I get a pension payout in about 18 months time.

Sorry this turned out way too long - Im feeling strangely calm and detached … do I need to get angry? Can I do this?

Whatever he has told you is half of what he's done

I agree completely - his stories twist and turn as I verify facts and the final version is nothing like his first “draft”

This woman arranged to have t-shirts printed for your husband's company, via 3rd party, a year ago. Yet your husband walks into the bar she works at, and she recognised him????!!! It was a year ago, the job was small and insignificant... Unless your husband is an Adonis, why on earth would she remember him??? I suspect the above happened, but he's kept in contact with her, quite possibly been sending her money (for nudes or filmed sex acts) since that timeframe. This is a woman who sees thousands of people whilst she works in a bar, yet happens to remember your husband, who she apparently met very briefly. I call that bollocks!

Your husband is likely a frequent user of sex workers, and it might not necessarily stop at sex workers in Asia, but here in the UK too. He lies constantly, and seems to be unable to be honest at all. No, he doesn't love or adore you, because men who love their wife, don't shag other women, regardless if they're a sex worker or not.

Bide your time. Do whatever it takes to finish the DIY, save money, seek legal advice (to protect your pension). Once you're ready, serve him divorce papers. He's not going to change.

I think your plan is great. Apart from thr couples councilling. That sounds like it’s wasting your time and will only serve to piss you off more than him (what if you let your plan slip?). Plus he will say he’s been reasonable etc going to it and make out you are being unfair. I get that you want to keep him thinking it can work out but you could easily just say you need time to process things. You are allowed to ask for that. He doesn’t need to know you’re using it to get your ducks in order.

Counselling. *

You need your own sti check. He has likely been doing this for years. He may have treated an sti leaving you with it.

get a STD test and leave in the summer

A small update - one week into this new life I didn’t want or choose.

He went for the STD checks - waiting for the results. Even if he is clear I’ll be going for my tests once he’s gone back overseas in 10 days time.

it feels like I’ve been slowly peeling an onion over the course of the week - every night has pulled back another layer, each revealing more - there was a woman at work in this country ‘nothing happened’ and it’s over now ….. minimise and lie is his default so I can conclude he’s had affairs/encounters closer to home too.

Today I make the resolve to stop looking for details - I know enough already - I was partly driven by my own need to put the jigsaw together to see the full picture. I was also driven by wanting him to admit to everything - to put him on the spot.

I don’t really have a ‘best’ friend - I’m in a different country to where I grew up - and my best friend from home died 5 years ago - but my work friend, just me and her in an office every day, has turned into an amazing friend - I’ve confided in her - she has kept me on track this week - listened - made self-care suggestions and just generally been a real support without intruding. Yesterday I also gave my boss a brief overview of what’s happened - he knew something is wrong and told me to take as much time as I need and just to say when I need a late start or early finish with no further explanation needed - goodwill is high for me at work so luckily I have that support too.

Re-reading the replies on here has been just what I’ve needed - thank you again to everyone.

You sound strong. Please keep strong and get away from this loser.

Well done OP. Very glad to hear there’s some irl support now.

Your plan is good - you can fob him off and live with the situation for 18 months while you get DD sorted then you can end things. He needs to try counselling etc to work on himself so he leaves you alone till then. It’ll be better for everyone if he sees it coming and has time to get his head round things - easier to have a very slow transition than pretend all is well and hit him out of the blue in 18 months. You want him to think it’s the best for him too, rather than clamour to get back together when you’ve made the decision.
good luck!

Human nature is a kicker. We are not really designed to be monogamous so it is a constant struggle. Sounds like you can see the wood for the trees though. Now the snake is out of the bag it will be nye on impossible to get it back in though. Good luck with however you choose to deal with it. Be smart.

Weird how some people have no problem being monogamous though. Yet you’ve decided it’s so hard.

Op, this is such a devastating and huge betrayal.

So awful you’re enduring this nightmare.

My advice is to end this relationship. He has gone beyond decency and he will do it again if you forgive him.

Firstly sorry to read this however I doubt this is the first time and it won’t be the last reading this.

he’s already been a liar in the past and you chose to stay with him - which I personally wouldn’t - he’d have been long gone.

You basically have him a green light that you’ll forgive him! And he’s done it AGAIN

You and your daughter deserve better for gods sake leave and have some self respect here!

It might be a ‘struggle’ for you, but some of us value loyalty and monogamy more than fucking around.

Glad you’re moving ahead OP. It seems clear he’s been fucking you around for years and you can’t trust a single word that comes out of his mouth.

He knows exactly why he lies. It’s to maintain all the benefits of being married to you while he fucks around on you and disrespects your marriage repeatedly.

@FadingFastest yes do it ! Turn all his small lies into one fat lie of your own .
Tell him he has to stay in the spare room while you see how you feel .
Get your ducks in a row then be off .