How To Survive Husband’s Infidelity with Sex Worker

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Please be gentle - this is new and raw and I don’t know which way is up right now.

Married 18 years - one DD aged 17- moved countries a few years ago and don’t have much of a support network here.

DH has history of telling silly lies - that I have caught him out on. Things like being away with work and lying about how long he stayed out on an evening - no matter how many times I’ve said it’s the lies that’s the issue, rather than the sitting in a pub with his work colleagues.

DH has admitted to being disloyal to me and flirty with other women in the past - which has been unbearably hurtful but he swears he has not been unfaithful.

He has just got back from an overseas work trip - during which I felt something was ‘off’ with his communication with me - then I caught him out on a lie.

I reacted by moving all his things to the spare room - which shocked him when he got home a week ago, but he tried twisting facts to ultimately make me feel guilty for doing this.

Today he went to show me something on his phone and I saw a photo - then further photos - turns out he paid a local sex worker (he was in Asia) to visit him at his hotel on 2 occasions and took her out for drinks on a 3rd occasion. She then FaceTimed him while he was at work on Friday and he’d taken a screenshot of her half undressed.

He twisted and turned his story - only revealing actual facts as I repeatedly proved his timeline etc incorrect (time date stamps on the photos etc).

He wants to stay together for the sake of DD and because I’m so important to him, apparently!

I have been through just about every emotion over the last few days - including feeling guilt for setting him up in the spare room just for a few lies.

I now see I’m not guilty and I feel steely cold and detached - but I’m now stuck in a foreign country with a DD who is about to take big exams. I work full time but he is the bigger wage earner and I can’t afford the house on my own.

I’m very tempted to go along with his feeble attempt to apologise and claim it will never happen again - bide my time, get DD off to Uni and slowly build an exit strategy for when I get a pension payout in about 18 months time.

Sorry this turned out way too long - Im feeling strangely calm and detached … do I need to get angry? Can I do this?

Sake..not sale.

Consider the effect of staying in a toxic relationship and toxic home. This cannot be healthy- for either you or your daughter. She will surely sense something is up. Surely. But she won’t know what is up. Do you want your last year living with her marred by this?

In short: kick the fucker out.

Can I ask: What sort of tasks do sex workers do for companies, on a one-off basis?

"He had met the woman when he was in the same country at the end of last year - she had done a one off task for the company DH works for"

Are you sure she's a sex worker, or is he making that bit up because he thinks it sounds better than him repeatedly cheating with a colleague in another country?
And why is he taking prostitutes for drinks and face-timing them? Strange way to test if he still has ED...

Your husband is a father to a young woman and he exploits women for sex.

You will get over his infidelity a lot more easily when you kick him out.

Seek legal advice and make a plan to leave after your daughters exams. In the meantime tell him youre thinking about what to do.

Get an std test too as this won’t be the first time

Oh man just ditch this piece of shit at long last.

I think your plan is a good one.
I’d look at any ways of making extra savings while you’re together and put them in a separate savings account online. Sell off items you don’t need - including some of his possessions, get cash back whenever you do the grocery shopping - bank all the extra cash. STI checks are critical for your health but I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole from now on.

Is it possible he s having a ' long distance affair', he met her prior to this work trip??
He s got himself in shape??
She s facetiming him,he has pics of her.???
Took her out for dinner.???
Sounds more like a relationship than casual sex.
I d gather evidence ( photocopies/ screenshots)of his income,pensions etc and see a lawyer to plan,then play the long game .I t s only 18months .
Keep him in the spare room at the moment and have him play out apologetic , sorry husband for a while, so you ve time to think straight and plan.
Could you perhaps tell him you need a break to go home on your own in a few months???After you ve seen a lawyer and instructed a divorce.???
But definately ditch him.
Good luck.

Is it possible he s having a ' long distance affair', he met her prior to this work trip??
He s got himself in shape??
She s facetiming him,he has pics of her.???
Took her out for dinner.???
Sounds more like a relationship than casual sex.
I d gather evidence ( photocopies/ screenshots)of his income,pensions etc and see a lawyer to plan,then play the long game .I t s only 18months .
Keep him in the spare room at the moment and have him play out apologetic , sorry husband for a while, so you ve time to think straight and plan.
Could you perhaps tell him you need a break to go home on your own in a few months???After you ve seen a lawyer and instructed a divorce.???
But definately ditch him.
Good luck.

I think getting your ducks in a row and leaving when you feel ready is a fine idea. Obviously I’m an ideal world you could up sticks and leave today, but as he’s not physically abusive and you can choose to disengage emotionally, I think if this is what would worK for you and your DD, you shouldn’t feel shame in staying for that.

my only worry would be that in the time you stay he manages to talk you round because ultimately you should leave him.

If he’s having an affair he’s an idiot to say it was a sex worker. Thats going to really sound great in court when you go for the divorce. Brief fling with a colleague would be far more within the realms of “ normal “. I’d get your DD through her exam if you can and do all the preparations so you don’t have to wait when she’s done.

Get You daughter through exams, don’t have sex with him until he gets an STI check. Get yourself one too. Plan exit.

Sounds like a very sensible plan. You need to get rid of him, but do it on your own terms and in a way which minimizes damage to you and daughter.

I guess your plan is the best one: but don’t make it too easy for him to win you back over. If you can’t feel hatred, feel disgust - who does that? Showing his wife that photo? Horrible

I’d never consider myself in a relationship with him or have sex with him again but I would definitely take my time and jump when it suited me.

A friend has ended her relationship and she has not told her spouse yet as he is a deluded abuser. She will leave in her own good time. He deserves nothing from her. You are in that boat.

This.

On reading the op I thought it didn’t sound like a sex worker! It sounds more like an affair. I wonder if he thought it sounded better that he’d paid for the sex…

Also, would a sex worker REALLY have remembered a man who hadn’t even been a customer on a previous visit to comment on his “improved physique”? I can’t even imagine they’d remember a paying client that far apart unless they were an extremely regular client.

Two options really, you either take control of the rest of your life and get rid of him and actually be happy. Or, stay and accept your lot in life and accept your child will probably carry this behaviour onto the next generation.

Either way, please get yourself an STI check up as he could have caught god knows what.

I expect what he means OP is that he met her and had sex with her last time he was out there. Sex workers don't do jobs for international companies by day and then sleep with men for a pittance by night.

Please get yourself tested for STD's. Beyond that though please do exactly what is best for you, and if right now that means staying where you are and letting him pay the bills then so be it.

Please though don't ever, ever have sex with this creep again. Feel free to string him along at your convenience though, as he has done to you. Asshole.

Why are you so desperate for this relationship to survive? He sounds like an awful human being OP. I suggest you take some time to think over your options, get some relationship therapy on your own to talk everything over, and think about what this man really adds to your life. I suspect this isn't the first time it's happened and what you know is the tip of the iceberg.

What a sleaze he is. These men are so predictably disappointing. I'd spare your DD the details.

Sorry love but, he’s probably been doing this your whole marriage. People don’t just randomly see a sex worker three times after 17 years of being faithful.

You need to get yourself an std test pronto.

Also, considering he thinks it’s acceptable to exploit women, I’d be telling him he’s the last person that should be around our 17 year old daughter and he should be ashamed of himself.

You don’t need to stay in your current home. You need not to be living with a disgusting animal like him.

If you have a full time wage you can stay somewhere else if needed. And you will be due a share of the divorce assents which will help too.

Thank you all so much for your replies - I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comments - I have read and re-read them and they have helped me focus and start to plan a way forward.

i have a booking with a counsellor for next week and in the meantime he remains in the single bed in the spare room like the overgrown man child he really is! That’s where he will be staying while I’m using his current guilt as a lever to getting him to finish jobs around the house.

Thank you all

Bless you, I went through the same thing so I know how you feel. My ex was a compulsive liar and used escorts as he felt he deserved it for 'working so hard'. In one argument he told me 'I didn't always have full sex'! Absolutely crazy, I asked him to go to counselling and give me access to his phone and bank account and he refused so I had to say goodbye. My kids were little at the time and it gave me strength that I could tell my daughter never to put up with something like that in the future because I hadn't tolerated it and didn't want it for her or any other woman, I wish you strength and luck and if I can help just let me know.

Thank you so much for your kindness @TheBaggins - and everyone else too.

just to answer a couple of questions - about the woman - she is from the Philippines but living in a different country in Asia. DH’s employer has projects running there and employs a local Agent to facilitate buying materials locally, dealing with Customs for imported materials etc. Last years project went well and the Team decided they should get T shirts printed - the Agent said he had a friend (the woman) who had contacts to get the shirts printed - this woman works in a rooftop bar in the City. Once the shirts were ready they went to the bar, collected their shirts and each transferred the equivalent of 6 Pounds to her in payment. This was in January this year when the project finished.

His story is that he went back to the bar with a group of colleagues and she recognised him and complimented him on how great he now looks - arranged to go for a drink a few nights later and decided to meet in his hotel room where, “to his surprise “ she told him her hourly rate and thinking no further about anything at all , suddenly all their clothes fell off, he took some photos, managed to get excited, popped on a condom and very quickly lost his erection …. Etc etc

i asked him to open his payment card app and immediately saw 3 transfers to her - the equivalent of GBP 120 twice and in between times a transfer of about GBP 60 - but quick as a flash he deleted the sub account where these transactions were logged so I couldn’t look back further to prove earlier payments - he’s now doubled down firmly that it was just these times I’ve proved - I can only now suspect there were more times. He says the FaceTime call was not pre-planned and took him by surprise - says she was asking if he was still in her City and letting him know she has a new job in another Asian country (one we have been to on our last family holiday) so conveniently she won’t be there when he returns. I’m not buying this story for one minute.

He hasn’t realised that our mobile phones are on the same account, even though his employer pays his phone bill direct. I can see itemisation of timing of all calls and texts so can see the timeline of everything - he can’t work out how I know so much so I’ve said there are a lot of people who work for the same Company who know both of us (I work in a related field) - I can see he’s desperate to know who snitched on him!!

I may be being petty but I’m in for the long game now. He goes back to the Project in a couple of weeks - so I’m insisting that he books a full STI screen and shares the results with me to protect myself - I’m privately going to do the same. He insists I don’t need to do this.

He has agreed to see a Therapist with me next week - I’m playing along that I want to work out if we can fix this - it is totally unfixable but while I get the house ready to sell he can finish all the DIY so it’s worth keeping him on the hook and if I can put him to the maximum inconvenience possible to try to go through the motions of working on our relationship, on his next trip while he continues his nasty habits, all the better. I will be going back to the therapist on my own while he’s away and make sure I’m building my strength and resolve - I’m never touching any part of him ever again.

Also, he is not on WhatsApp on his usual phone number but while he was away he slipped up and called me from a local mobile number - which he says is a work e-sim - well, that number is on WhatsApp and he has set up disappearing messages on it - so tonight I plan to ask to see his apps again and see if there’s anything in there!

Thats about where I am right now.