How To Survive Husband’s Infidelity with Sex Worker

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Please be gentle - this is new and raw and I don’t know which way is up right now.

Married 18 years - one DD aged 17- moved countries a few years ago and don’t have much of a support network here.

DH has history of telling silly lies - that I have caught him out on. Things like being away with work and lying about how long he stayed out on an evening - no matter how many times I’ve said it’s the lies that’s the issue, rather than the sitting in a pub with his work colleagues.

DH has admitted to being disloyal to me and flirty with other women in the past - which has been unbearably hurtful but he swears he has not been unfaithful.

He has just got back from an overseas work trip - during which I felt something was ‘off’ with his communication with me - then I caught him out on a lie.

I reacted by moving all his things to the spare room - which shocked him when he got home a week ago, but he tried twisting facts to ultimately make me feel guilty for doing this.

Today he went to show me something on his phone and I saw a photo - then further photos - turns out he paid a local sex worker (he was in Asia) to visit him at his hotel on 2 occasions and took her out for drinks on a 3rd occasion. She then FaceTimed him while he was at work on Friday and he’d taken a screenshot of her half undressed.

He twisted and turned his story - only revealing actual facts as I repeatedly proved his timeline etc incorrect (time date stamps on the photos etc).

He wants to stay together for the sake of DD and because I’m so important to him, apparently!

I have been through just about every emotion over the last few days - including feeling guilt for setting him up in the spare room just for a few lies.

I now see I’m not guilty and I feel steely cold and detached - but I’m now stuck in a foreign country with a DD who is about to take big exams. I work full time but he is the bigger wage earner and I can’t afford the house on my own.

I’m very tempted to go along with his feeble attempt to apologise and claim it will never happen again - bide my time, get DD off to Uni and slowly build an exit strategy for when I get a pension payout in about 18 months time.

Sorry this turned out way too long - Im feeling strangely calm and detached … do I need to get angry? Can I do this?

Oh OP, truly sorry this happened to you, it’s an awful betrayal - from your post it sounds like he lies about everything almost to put you on the back foot constantly.

This was not the first time, it may be the last now you know (at least for a while) but in all seriousness I wouldn’t care, once would be enough

So he's isolated you from any support and treats you like shit. There is nothing to salvage here, other than your self respect and self worth.

There's no way in hell I'd stay for another 18 months.

This isn't the first time, and it sounds like you've come close to catching him before but haven't. But it won't be the first. He might pause the cheating for a bit, but he's shown he doesn't value you or your life together. If you can stomach it your plan sounds like it could be the best financial option. Good luck.

That sounds like a plan. Get legal advice though. Good luck.

Thank you for replying.

He says he doesn’t know why he lies about stuff - he sent me massive long texts while he was on this latest trip -pleading his innocence while all the time pursuing some ‘excitement’. My gut had told me something was ‘off’ and I think he realised - it didn’t stop him having his fun (except he has ED and says it wasn’t much fun! I don’t think I actually care).

I do feel like I’m done but to move home it’s going to cost me money I don’t have. We have several large home improvement jobs underway that will need to be finished in order to sell the house too. I’m feeling I should hunker down and get my ducks in a row and then head off home once DD moves out having had a ‘stable’ home life for the rest of her school education.

They are not silly lies OP. They are lies. And he is a liar. Whatever he has admitted to in the past you can be certain it is not the truth. The truth will be far worse than what he has admitted to.

You have now realised what type of man you are married to. Going forward you must do what is best for you and your DD. Think about this carefully. But whatever you decide discount his view point because you can be sure he is only interested in what's best for him.

I think I’d need a faster exit plan op. He probably does this all the time. When someone shows you who they are believe them. You deserve more op.

In your shoes I’d bide my time like you’ve outlined, take legal advice and do everything you can to make your transition go smoothly.

Revenge is a dish best served cold so play your cards close to your chest. Keep quiet about your plans. Say nothing.

Thank you - I think I can do this - I feel so sad that my marriage is built on nothing that’s worth having. I feel focussed on practical things right now - that is driving me forwards. I’ll just make the most of him thinking he has me on-side with his ‘heartfelt’ apologies and fake tear on his eye!

You don’t need to survive it. He’s shown you who he is. Fuckity bye to him. Find someone who deserves you. What a snake!

how can he have sex if he has ED? Absolute AHOLE. The best option is to keep calm and work out what you want to do, then play the long game so you come out financially safe. Good luck - you did not deserve this

Get legal advice and yes plan your exit.
Given his history there is no alternative.
Sorry OP you deserve better.

Thank you all - I’m taking so much strength from your replies. I just want the best outcome for DD - she’s already so independent - I’m not going to let him affect her future.

Your plan sounds sensible, but you need legal advice to protect your payout. You'll need that for your future.
And ditch the guilt. Any feeling that makes you think of staying is a useless one.

I agree with this plan , don't do anything hasty while you're so upset . Get organised and plan your exit .

Does the fact that he has ED mean you aren’t intimate? If so, I would absolutely do what you are planning. Smile sweetly, “accept” his (bullshit) apologies and leave when the time was right for me. And laugh in his rancid face when I did it.
That only works though if you don’t have to be physically intimate, because I literally couldn’t do that.

I will definitely get legal advice - as well as sorting out banking and my will - I have a list growing in the notes app in my phone.

He has had intermittent ED for a while - he can sometimes manage a little but can’t maintain an erection long enough to satisfy either of us in that way. He had recently lost 20-odd kgs by eating better, giving up drinking and exercising - it feels like paying the sex worker was for him to test whether the ED is because he doesn’t find me attractive - he says she approached him in a bar, he’d met her on a previous work trip, and she flattered him about his improved physique.
I’ve told him there’s no way I’m going anywhere near him until he has had a full medical check for STIs and we’ve been to counselling!! So I don’t believe he will be moving out of the spare room for a long while to come.

He could have watched some porn to check that.
Easier, cheaper, safer, less traumatic

So what’s your plan then OP?

stay in a separate room, wait to send your child to uni in September 2027. Assume you’re not going to sleep with him. Is there anything else you need to do?

Why is the woman face timing him ? Has he promised her a relationship or something ? I may have read that wrong

My plan is generally …. Get my legal and financial ducks in a row … work on my self esteem … save as much money as possible … sell off anything that’s surplus to requirements (which I’d already planned to do) - he’s definitely staying in the spare room and is building his narrative that he’s horrified at what he’s done and will do anything it takes to make things right! Work out where in the world I want to be once this is all over.
and most importantly set DD up for a wonderful future in any way I can.

He had met the woman when he was in the same country at the end of last year - she had done a one off task for the company DH works for - he had bumped into or arranged to meet her this time - was ‘surprised’ to discover that came at a price and decided to take advantage of an hour - during which he took photos that I saw on his phone - then a couple of days later he paid half the hourly rate to take her for a drink and then a week or so later he paid for another hour in his hotel room and took more photos.
she sent him 2 more photos and then face timed him once he was home - presumably working her way through past customers to ask if she could assist them in any way!!
I feel sick just writing it down

This relationship cannot last but that doesn’t mean you have to make any decisions right now.

Take your time and figure out how you can separate with the least effect on you and DD.

It’s not fair that he gets to sleep around and disrespect you and then your life is made more difficult because of it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

Him pleading stay together for sake of DD?
1,he should have thought of that before hiring said sex worker.
2.Is the staying together for sale of DD a cover for his penchant for hiring sex workers and this may come out if you split.

He's a sleaze and you and dd be better making a new life especially one where mum can be happy and not wondering what he's up to.
Kids pick up on unhappy vibes.