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Original poster

I love her, but ...

61 replies

MrTLC · 23/05/2026 18:36

Ok, here goes.

I am a man in my late 50's, joined here today, this is my first message.

I was wondering if anyone else was in the same situation as me? and if so, what have you been advised / done about it? Etc.

I am married to a wonderful lady, been together over 20 years, she is intelligent, funny, honest, etc, and I love and adore her, but..

There is no intimacy in the marriage, and hasnt really been for over 10 years.
My wife is disabled and has numerous lifelong medical and mental illness issues which are not getting any better year on year. She has mobility issues, hates her body, has zero libido and would not be physically able to have intimacy now even if she did want it, which she doesnt. She feels so guilty about not being able to be a wife in that way.

I, on the otherhand, am fit, active, with a high desire. I miss the intimacy so so much.

As I said, I love her, she loves me, I dont want to cheat on her or leave her, but I feel I am stuck in a rut with no escape.

Your comments and suggestions would be most welcome.

OP posts:
MyArtfulGreySloth · 23/05/2026 18:38

You love her and she is so wonderful etc etc so why is sex more important than that? Are you hoping someone will come along and say poor you, have an affair?
also you don’t want to cheat but might just have to? Seriously? Maybe do her a favour and leave then.

DarkForces · 23/05/2026 18:40

If you want to stay in your marriage and love her you accept it. What's the alternative?

HappiestSleeping · 23/05/2026 18:42

I am a man too. I seem to remember that my marriage vows said "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live".

NotTheOrdinary · 23/05/2026 18:42

Are you hoping MN will tell you to go elsewhere for sex?

WinterBlues26 · 23/05/2026 18:58

When you talk about intimacy what do you actually mean? Is it just PIV sex?

NovemberMorn · 23/05/2026 19:02

For better or worse, that's what marriage is.
If you love her, you don't want to cheat, but you still have sexual needs....you have a hand, use it.

worldshottestmom · 23/05/2026 19:03

Don't worry, everyone here likes to pretend as if sex isn't a basic human need. Buying a fleshlight will do little in the way of replacing physical intimacy with another human being.

What you need to do is ask yourself, what would/do you miss more? Sex, or your wife? You making this thread highlights the answer for me already, but the reality could be different. If you are confident she will never be able to have sex with you again then I suggest you start accepting you need to leave, as clearly this is an important issue for you, as it is for all healthy adults. I know it feels selfish to leave because of sex, when you frame it that way, but would you be leaving because a fundamental need of yours is not being met.

it's sad, and it's nobody's fault, but it is what it is and you must decide before you both end up completely miserable.

ToadRage · 23/05/2026 19:04

Love her, keep loving her, invest in fleshlight.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 23/05/2026 19:05

I’ve seen threads on here where a woman has posted similar and been told life is too short not be happy sexually if sex is important to you, and to leave the husband.
So I think the first few replies are a bit unfair.

cloudtreecarpet · 23/05/2026 19:06

If the situation were reversed what would you want her to do?

PoppieCock · 23/05/2026 19:07

As I said, I love her, she loves me, I dont want to cheat on her or leave her, but I feel I am stuck in a rut with no escape.

It's tough but there's nothing you can do about it then.

ForTipsyFinch · 23/05/2026 19:07

oh it’s the weekly ‘I’m not getting any sex post’

Can I ask why you think a forum of predominantly women is the the place for this?

LimbOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheHoleTheHoleInTheGround · 23/05/2026 19:08

As soon as a i read "I'm a man...." I knew this would be about lack of sex.

Your options are to stay in the marriage and not have sex, or to leave and get sex elsewhere.

No-one will be telling you it's OK to cheat.

vdbfamily · 23/05/2026 19:08

There are not that many disabilities that would make someone completely unable to give or receive intimate acts of some kind. Would it be worth getting some professional help to explore how this might be achievable. It is difficult if she has no desire but is that because she" hates her body" and does she need some counselling around this? As someone not very body confident myself, I have found that candlelight helps. What happens if you just cuddle in bed with zero expectations or offer a nice massage.

PifflyHigs · 23/05/2026 19:10

"She would not be physically able to have intimacy now even if she did want it"

Well everything else if irrelevant isn't it? She is disabled and cannot physically have sex.

What do you want us to say? Cheat on her? Leave her?

If she physically cannot have sex with you what are you expecting from her? She is your wife. She has been by your side for 20 years.

You are almost 60, do you really think there will be a line of women waiting to f*ck you if you abandon your disabled wife? What a catch.

cloudtreecarpet · 23/05/2026 19:11

PifflyHigs · 23/05/2026 19:10

"She would not be physically able to have intimacy now even if she did want it"

Well everything else if irrelevant isn't it? She is disabled and cannot physically have sex.

What do you want us to say? Cheat on her? Leave her?

If she physically cannot have sex with you what are you expecting from her? She is your wife. She has been by your side for 20 years.

You are almost 60, do you really think there will be a line of women waiting to f*ck you if you abandon your disabled wife? What a catch.

Edited

Sadly if he's well off and not completely decrepit yet then yes there will be!

NovemberMorn · 23/05/2026 19:15

People can always pay for sex, but if this thread is genuine, I doubt the OP would want to do that anyway.

Sex IS important, but given that he says he doesn't want to be a cheat, or leave, and his wife is incapable....he is in a no win situation.

PifflyHigs · 23/05/2026 19:21

Why does intimacy always involve sex for men though? Im sure he can hold his wife, kiss her head, be tender with her. Cuddle. Talk.

He's almost 60 years old. Have a wank ffs.

MightyGoldBear · 23/05/2026 19:21

Op likely won't return if its like all the other usual posts of this.

CinnamonBuns67 · 23/05/2026 19:27

Not alot to do about it is there. Your options are 1. Leave (Which you don't want to do) 2. Cheat (Which again you don't want to do and it would be very wrong) 3. Accept you cannot have sex with your wife and use your hand/fleshlight.

VoltaireMittyDream · 23/05/2026 19:51

worldshottestmom · 23/05/2026 19:03

Don't worry, everyone here likes to pretend as if sex isn't a basic human need. Buying a fleshlight will do little in the way of replacing physical intimacy with another human being.

What you need to do is ask yourself, what would/do you miss more? Sex, or your wife? You making this thread highlights the answer for me already, but the reality could be different. If you are confident she will never be able to have sex with you again then I suggest you start accepting you need to leave, as clearly this is an important issue for you, as it is for all healthy adults. I know it feels selfish to leave because of sex, when you frame it that way, but would you be leaving because a fundamental need of yours is not being met.

it's sad, and it's nobody's fault, but it is what it is and you must decide before you both end up completely miserable.

Not being funny or anything, but if sex is a basic human need, and anyone who claims otherwise is ‘pretending’, how do you imagine that works?

That people who say they can cope without sex are lying, and are actually at it like rabbits? Or are they in danger of death by celibacy?

Sex may feel like a basic human need to some people, to the extent that there’s no point staying with someone who can’t keep up with their appetites. To others it’s an important source of connection in a relationship, and they’d miss it if it went away, but they’d find other ways to feel close. For others it’s a physical release that has nothing to do with attachment or connection. For others it’s a hobby, and for others it’s a tedious chore they’d love never to have to do again, and for some it’s physically impossible (and yet somehow they don’t die!).

OP’s life is not in danger because his wife won’t put out FGS. Yes, he’s in a sad situation, and he misses intimacy, and he feels stuck. And he doesn’t have to be happy about it.

But if he won’t leave, or cheat, and opening up the relationship isn’t an option, there’s nothing anyone on MN can do to help him, and I’m a bit suspicious of the motives of any man who comes to a predominantly female website with a tale of woe about his unmet sexual needs and wants us all to tell him what a good man he is and he deserves better.

OP needs to find a couples therapist, or a fucking chatbot or something.

I’m just so fucking tired of men coming whining to mummy about how their wives aren’t treating them right.

worldshottestmom · 23/05/2026 20:02

Sex is a basic human need and trying to deny that is ludicrous tbh. I also mentioned later on that it's important for healthy adults
, because well, it is.

I am well aware there a lot of nuances regarding why people may not want to have sex, but for most healthy adults, it is a need that needs to be met, whether anybody who hears that likes it or not. I never said anybody was going to die without sex, so I'm really not sure why you've stated that. I can't believe I'm having to say this, but sex is a fundamental need as procreation is the primary purpose of existence, it is instinctive - again, in healthy adults.

I also feel that if this isn't just ragebait, which honestly it probably is since he'sgone MIA, then he was simply looking for any possible solution to his predicament that isn't leaving or cheating. I don't think he came here thinking we were all going to egg him on to cheat, or else he would have gone to reddit. Maybe, just maybe, he was asking a forum with predominantly female users to try and find a genuine solution, from a female perspective?

Hate on me all you want, it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is people acting like having the desire for actual sex with another human being is wrong. Acting as if wanking or using a flashlight is in any way the same. Yes it provides the release, but it isn't the same as having physical intimacy with another person, another reason that leads me to believe that this isn't just another thread looking for validation to cheat, but more from an emotional, desperation perspective.

Harriet36 · 23/05/2026 20:13

Tell her, then take a mistress.

MyArtfulGreySloth · 23/05/2026 20:26

How the hell is sex a basic human need? It’s not water or food, you won’t bloody die because you aren’t getting any. Jesus Christ some people on here 😂

Notimefor · 23/05/2026 20:37

Just get a mistress- that's what you're probably gonna do eventually.. so predictable 🙄