I love her, but ...

[MrTLC]

Ok, here goes.

I am a man in my late 50's, joined here today, this is my first message.

I was wondering if anyone else was in the same situation as me? and if so, what have you been advised / done about it? Etc.

I am married to a wonderful lady, been together over 20 years, she is intelligent, funny, honest, etc, and I love and adore her, but..

There is no intimacy in the marriage, and hasnt really been for over 10 years.
My wife is disabled and has numerous lifelong medical and mental illness issues which are not getting any better year on year. She has mobility issues, hates her body, has zero libido and would not be physically able to have intimacy now even if she did want it, which she doesnt. She feels so guilty about not being able to be a wife in that way.

I, on the otherhand, am fit, active, with a high desire. I miss the intimacy so so much.

As I said, I love her, she loves me, I dont want to cheat on her or leave her, but I feel I am stuck in a rut with no escape.

Your comments and suggestions would be most welcome.

Look after him I expect, as most women do who are married to men with chronic/ terminal illnesses and disabilities. Men are so likely to leave their wives and partners over this that nurses are trained to broach the subject when a woman is first diagnosed.

Sex is important but so is commitment to a life partner who has done nothing wrong but get ill or become physically different through no fault of their own. If you left her for someone else, the same thing could happen, or they would not feel the same way about you, cheat, leave you, or you yourself could suffer from long term illness or disability and she would be in your shoes now. No one can predict the future.

A physical relationship is important to most ppl but bad things happen to good ppl every day and life is unfair for a lot of us. I guess it’s down to personal integrity. If you love her then you stay committed and work round the physical side - there are lots of options of getting your physical needs met without infidelity. Or leave her and live with the fact you left a woman who loves you and would give you what you wanted if she could but your sexual needs outweigh her and the life you built together.

Sex is not a basic human need. You will not die without sex.

Feeling (instinctively) driven to do something doesn't make it a need, it makes it a desire. It may be a strong desire, which someone doesn't want to go without, but it is not a need, and plenty of people will go without it for one reason or another, and live a perfectly happy, fulfilling life.

In OP's case, I would suggest that if his wife is interested in doing it, and comfortable with the idea, they try him masturbating with her involvement - perhaps telling him what to do and how to touch himself, or cuddling him and touching him herself while he does the majority of the work. So there's physical intimacy between them and a sense of collaboration, but she doesn't have to do anything she isn't okay with.

You made your vows.
I hope she leaves you.

OP posts controversial topic, then doesn't come back.

tedious.

OP posts controversial topic, doesn't get the answers he wanted, doesn't come back...
Typical

I would suggest you come back in a few weeks posing as a woman and seeing how different replies are.

Posts of this nature are fairly regular from both women and men if you can be bothered to trawl through the site. You may even find some genuinely helpful answers as opposed to preaching.

FWIW, in my experience even with the best intentions in the world, where there is a prolonged serious imbalance in unmet needs, something will "crack" eventually as the facade will be too difficult to maintain.

As far as I can see, you have four choices: 1. Dump her, 2. Put up with it, 3. Try to work something out, or 4. Find a very discreet FWB. What you do is entirely up to you - nobody else experiences the situation as you do, and neither will they have to live with the consequences.

Tbf the MN man haters have mostly decided to kick him rather than give any advice.

I'm a woman, adore my dh, but I would find it very difficult to live without intimacy in my marriage.

Why would the advice be different? Of a woman said her disabled husband with a myriad of mental and physical problems can't physically have sex I highly doubt the consensus would be to leave/cheat.

If that were the case why do so many women get left when they find out the have long term or terminal illnesses? Women stick with men through these things. Men do what OP wants to do, abandon his wifenof 20 years and find something fuckable 🤢

But would you leave him for it? Or cheat on him?
What would you do in these circumstances given you adore your DH and the inability to have sex with you wouldn't be his fault?

I don’t know and neither does the op. He’s obviously very torn.

Op this is your first time on earth too. You are as important as she is. Your right to shape a life that doesn’t feel so sad inside is absolutely valid. If you grab that truth and know that you are duty bound to be honest a path will open up for you.