I love her, but ...

[MrTLC]

Ok, here goes.

I am a man in my late 50's, joined here today, this is my first message.

I was wondering if anyone else was in the same situation as me? and if so, what have you been advised / done about it? Etc.

I am married to a wonderful lady, been together over 20 years, she is intelligent, funny, honest, etc, and I love and adore her, but..

There is no intimacy in the marriage, and hasnt really been for over 10 years.
My wife is disabled and has numerous lifelong medical and mental illness issues which are not getting any better year on year. She has mobility issues, hates her body, has zero libido and would not be physically able to have intimacy now even if she did want it, which she doesnt. She feels so guilty about not being able to be a wife in that way.

I, on the otherhand, am fit, active, with a high desire. I miss the intimacy so so much.

As I said, I love her, she loves me, I dont want to cheat on her or leave her, but I feel I am stuck in a rut with no escape.

Your comments and suggestions would be most welcome.

I can't articulate the amount of secondhand embarrassment I have for you right now.

Just one of many models, here is Maslow's hierarchy of human needs.

If sex wasn't a basic human need, then what would be propelling the continuation of human existence? You think people just have sex for the sake of it? Nobody ever gets the strong urge to procreate? Are you serious? I can only assume you are not a healthy adult if you have no desire for sex or physical intimacy with another adult.

Sex is not a basic human need.

Is it provided to people in times of need? Like food and water and shelter is?

Are there human rights that specifically protect a persons right to have sex whenever they want?

No because sex is not a right.

Treating sex as a human right is misogynistic and dangerous. Women do not owe men sex. Even married ones.

Nobody’s saying wanting sex is wrong.

But sex (/procreation) is a need on a population level, not an individual level.

For a lot of people it’s a ‘nice-to-have-in-the-right-context’, not a need. They’d rather have no sex than bad sex, or sex with someone they disliked or felt physically repulsed by.

I’m splitting hairs because when we call something a ‘need’ it suggests others are compelled to meet that need for us, or that we’re OK to take any action required to get this need met. And nobody is entitled to sex from another person.

I totally agree - not sympathetic. If it was a woman in the same situation, I wonder if the responses would be the same.

A woman who went specifically to Dadsnet wanting to know what to do about her immense sexual frustration as the devoted wife to a disabled husband would presumably get a lot of dick pics in her DMs.

I think you discreetly have sex outside the marriage.

Over the years ive read it on hear women telling women to do just that.

Lol, if sex is a need on population level, then it is a need on an individual level, as individuals make up the population.

Obviously, nobody is required to provide anybody else with sex. Certain people (not you specifically, moreso @PifflyHigs and others) attempting to accuse others of justifying rape and sexual assault, purely for the purpose of being right, is embarrassing. However, despite there being no requirement for any given person to provide someone else with sex, it is still a need. Those two things are true at the same time. There is a biological need for sex in all healthy adults, and those adults go out and form relationships with other healthy adults that also have that need, and they meet eachothers need by having sex with eachother. That's how procreation works.

The part where you mention people rather having no sex than bad sex or no sex than sex with someone they find ugly, is purely about personal preference and consent. It does not disregard the fact that sex is a need in the slightest. It is not a need in the same way as food and oxygen, of course, those we would die without. It is a need in the same way that physical touch is a need.

For a lot of healthy adults, including myself, not having sexual needs met can result in various outcomes, such as anger, frustration, depression. It is so much more than men just wanting to get their dick wet, and it applies to women, too. It's kinda weird the amount of people on here and in life in general that seem to think sex is purely a male want, rather than a human need.

But everyone go off about now awful and misogynistic I am if you wish to, that's fine too, you do you.

Another rapidly derailing thread…

OP. You have a simple choice, either honour your marriage vows or don’t. Only you can determine how much that means to you.

Just remember that if you do decide to let her down the consequences will be wide-ranging and you will have no leg to stand on.

You want her to have sex she doesn't want.

There's a word for men like you.

I don't think it's a real situation. Either somebody posting for for the fun of reading the answers, or AI.

Another option (not easy) is to open up the marriage with her consent- you find sex elsewhere but with her knowledge/consent. It’s not a magic bullet and opens up all sorts of issues but it’s that or leave. It’s unethical to cheat without her knowledge/xonsent.

Ah, another man has posted to complain that he isn't getting enough sex.
So predictable.

ETA: didn’t mean to quote the above post!

@worldshottestmom

Population vs individual: the population needs to be roughly half male and half female. Do you personally need to be half male and half female? The species needs to reproduce itself or die. Will you personally die if you don’t have children?

There are a lot of things I get depressed and frustrated if I can’t have - free time, social time with friends, intellectual stimulation, etc. I’m not a bad person for wanting those things. But I can’t always have them.

It’s up to me to decide whether to take risks to get these things, and it’s up to me to deal with any fallout if I, for example, leave my family or quit my job so I can have more free time and read more books and hang out more with my friends.

It’s no help people saying ‘but you need free time and intellectual stimulation!’ if my current circumstances don’t allow it.

The vast majority of us are never going to be perfectly fulfilled self-actualised people who never get depressed or frustrated.

We can’t always get what we want. That’s the human condition.

I think sex/intimacy in a relationship is a human need. You won't physically waste away and die but, unless you are both on the same page, the lack of intimacy will eat away at your relationship and sense of self esteem.

You are confusing a human right with a human need !!!!

I wish you had posted with the sexes reversed, as men will get many biased opinions on here.

I couldn’t stay in a sexless relationship.

You either need to ask her to go to couples therapy and explore the idea of increasing her level of intimacy.
Or ask for an open relationship
Or leave.

Unfortunately, none of us can tell you what to do.

You have my sympathy as it’s obvious you love her but sometimes love isn’t enough.

Everyone is either/oring this. So a few things: is ethical nonmonogamy on the table? If not, then redefining sex. Fair warning, bringing up ENM may put her in a tailspin, but whatever is going to happen you need help. Couples therapy and/or sex therapy is a must.

Will she give you blow jobs / hand jobs? If not why not?

Options are to accept the status quo or leave.

I am sure I have seen this post before 🤔

If a woman posted this I imagine most of the responses would be "life's too short"

I guess if you've talked about it at length and she can't/doesn't want to rekindle your sex life then you need to decide if you can deal with just shutting off that part of your life. Couples therapy could help to provide a safe space to explore things.

I don’t think women will ever get how men feel they need sex, or how they equate it with love. I can’t myself but dh and all my make friends basically said one night to a guy his wife obviously didn’t love him if they weren’t having regular sex and all the (married) women were like wtaf?!?

op if you really properly love her you cannot cheat on her, have an open marriage or leave her. It’s that easy. You still have the ability to do it yourself (masturbate) and if you leave her you’re not guaranteed you’ll get any anyway and could end up more miserable

Exactly This- why not try therapy? For both of you? Put some effort in to make this situation better. It’s not all about sex.

intelligent, funny, honest...- do you laugh together, have chats, discussions and how this actually fits with:
and numerous mental illnesses...what this presents as?
what are the physical illnesses? What kind of mobility issue there is?

the lady seems uncapable of normal life with all these illnesses....

he has mobility issues, hates her body, has zero libido and would not be physically able to have intimacy now even if she did want it, which she doesnt....

well, you answered your own question here.
So the moral or immoral choices you are alluding to, should be your own choices, not put onto a women's forum but you can see my previous post and enlarge your story so we can have a nice long juicy thread