Hes retired and we want different things

[devfire]

We've been together 12 yrs and engaged. He retired 4 yrs ago (he's older than me) i gave up my job and house and we moved abroad with my DD. It was incredibly difficult but my DD is now at university and thriving.
I did get some work but after a couple of years ended up cleaning which I hated as I had a professional job in UK. Last winter I decided to look for a job in UK mainly because I was really bored in the winter and DP drinks a lot. I got a job and came back to the rented house, awaiting DP to decide what he's doing.
Hes now said he doesn't want to come back to the UK. Im just gutted that after 12 years he can just say no he doesn't want to do that. But says he loves me?! Surely if you love someone you want to be with them?

I think you are being pretty unreasonable, to be honest.

You are the one who has decided to move back to the UK; he was and is happy abroad. You've changed your mind and moved the goal posts and are now crying that if he loved you he'd want to be with you.

You are a CF for putting the blame on him and saying surely if he loves you he should want to be with you, You're the one who left him! Surely if you loved him you'd have been happy to stay with him.

It sounds like he doesn’t want to retire in the UK and working where he lives does not work for you.

I guess you just need to keep talking to work out whether you are at a point where you want different things and need to move on or whether there is a way you can make it work so you both have a lifestyle that is sustainable in the long term.

Sorry, no he’s selfish. I couldn’t watch my partner leave his professional job and end up cleaning if they didn’t enjoy it.

There are other solutions he could have offered: part of the year in the UK, he could pay for you so you didn’t have to work, he could offer move somewhere else abroad where you wouldn’t need be bored. He try to offer to cut down on his drinking if that makes things intolerable for you, But he’s offered you nothing. Sorry but I think he’s a shit partner and you we well rid, especially if he’s a drinker.

Sorry to say it but I think this is the danger of hooking up with an older man...

Oh right not the response i was expecting tbh. Im in the wrong for working and bringing the money in?!

What was the financial plan for his retirement? Does he need you to work to fund your life abroad?

You say that if you love someone you want to be with them.
Could he not say the same to you?

He's made his position clear. He's not coming back. You can't make him so now you have to choose whether you want to be with him enough to move back there or whether you would be so unhappy there that you'd rather lose him and stay in the uk.

If it was me, one option I would not consider would be me staying in the uk, working, to send him money so he can have his retirement.

First poser nails it, YANVU!
who wanted to move abroad in the first place?

Whose idea was it to live abroad, did you actually want to? I think the relationship might have run its course - it sounds like you and your daughter made sacrifices to move, but he's not willing to compromise for you. There's nothing wrong with him not wanting to move back to the UK, but it doesn't sound like you both want the same thing.

You have put all your eggs in one basket and it’s fraying away. You’re away from your own country with an ageing alcoholic. I wonder what made you think that uprooting your life was a good idea.

What is your dd’s view? Is she now settled in the new country? I would be inclined to make a plan that works for the two of you.

I don’t think either of you are wrong per se.
What worked for you both before no longer does.
You want a more fulfilling job / life.Nothing wrong with that.
he likes where he is and is presumably enjoying his retirement. Nothing wrong with that.
But you can’t just lay it all on him by saying … if he loved me he would come back to the UK with me. Because he’s just as entitled, in that case, to say, if you really loved me, you’d stay here with me.
You may both have to accept that as things now lie, your paths are going to diverge. Unless one of you is willing to change your minds then ….
And oh, I wouldn’t want to hitch my wagon to someone too fond of drinking.

So op accommodated her dp’s wishes and gave up her life in uk to move abroad to facilitate her fizncé’s plans; and now you are blaming her because he isn’t equally flexible and accommodating? That’s an interesting take on things that’s for sure.

If you are arguing that op shouldn’t have moved abroad in the first place, it’s pretty impossible to know how you are going to respond to it until you have done it and given it a go. And it sounds as if she has stuck it out for a while and given it her best shot.

Can you afford to run two houses op? How are things on the financial front? Can your dh afford to live abroad alone? He may well love you but obviously not enough to compromise and the drinking doesn’t sound good. Most people drink to avoid difficult feelings or situations. Is he really as happy there as he says he is?

And what about your dd? Will she be staying abroad after her studies? That might influence your decision or maybe not if she is going to be globe-trotting for a bit.

Either way, your relationship doesn’t sound particularly stable so it makes sense to go where you can earn as much as you can.

Good luck.

Hmm it doesn't sound as though you (as a couple, not just you personally) thought things through properly when you moved abroad without a job. Do you (as a couple) need a second income or were you planning to live on savings/ investments/ the capital from selling a house plus his pension?

You wouldn't be the first people to just assume that you could find a job in your own career field easily in a different country without checking it out first though, it's hardly a crime, just a bit reckless especially with a teenager in tow (was there a language barrier?).

You're right that you both want different things, though I'm not sure he's any more responsible for that than you are based on the information provided. If the plan was always to move abroad together when he retired and he didn't promise it was a limited time trial move and you'd return together if it didn't suit you, then he hasn't really done anything wrong. The "if you loved me you'd live where I'm happy" goes both ways.

You're not married and don't have children in common, you have a job now in the UK and a place to live so just split up amicably - you just want different things, it needn't even be bitter, you should be able to part as friends really.

Does he have his own money or do you need to work to fund your life abroad?
It doesn’t actually sound as if you are happy with him nor your life there. So no you’re not unreasonable to I want to live a different life. It’s also not unreasonable for him to not want to leave that country to go back to the uk.

I suspect you are upset because you moved there for him as that’s what he wanted to do and you and your daughter made sacrifices for his happiness and he won’t do the same for you.

You say if someone loves someone then surely they want to be with them. Well he could say the same to you

You're just in different places, OP. Which country does your daughter go to uni in?

I think it's time to look out for yourself. You've been engaged for years but there's been no marriage. That should tell you something. Stay here, continue with work that satisfies you and pays you well, and wish him well.

Do you love him? If so could you work out living arrangements where you live part of the time in the UK? I can understand that you do not want to be living in a different country, bored and watching your partner drinking.
You both deserve to be happy so I wish you well and hope you can work it out, OP.

No, moving back to the uk sounds like entirely the right choice. But you are in the wrong for unilaterally moving countries and then getting upset when he doesn’t want to come with you. He is retired, happy in the new country, and doesn’t want to move. You’re right that it means he doesn’t love you enough to make that sacrifice, but then you don’t love him enough to sacrifice your job. He’s not unreasonable for deciding he cares more about where he lives than about who he lives with, and nor are you for deciding he’s not worth having to do a cleaning job.

I think your analogy of if he loved you he would want to be with you doesn’t fit as clearly you love him and don’t want to live abroad.

is your DD at uni in the UK?
The only way this is going to work is by compromise. If you can’t find one I think I the best thing to do is to end the relationship. I do think him being retired and you stil working shows a gap in lifestyles which in itself is challenging. There isn’t any magic answer unfortunately.

Except she didn’t move countries “unilaterally” did she? They both made the decision to leave the UK as s couple and as a family? And it worked for one of them but not the other. And being forced in to doing a job you hate can be very stressful. It’s about more than making money it is about status and fulfilment. I agree that one of them had to compromise but why wouldn’t op’s other half at least consider coming back to uk six months of the year uk fit in with her? By the sound of it, he wouldn’t even discuss the possibility.

Sometimes we just want different things and that outweighs our love for each other. I’ve seen many relationships fail on the question of which country to live in.

He’s older and it sounds like you want different things so I dont think Yabu. I hope you’re not funding his retirement in any way.

You can love somebody, and want to be with them, but not want to give up every other aspect of your life in order to be with them.

You have made that choice yourself - you love him, but chose to return to the UK and the job you want rather than stay with him.

Rather than focusing on how long you have been together, or what you gave up for him in the past, it will be better for both of you to decide what you want for the future and whether that is together or apart.

Which country is your dd at university in?

I have seen this problem with some friends recently - she wants to retire abroad, he was going along with it, but has now developed a heart condition and no longer wants to go. She is very resentful and thinking of divorcing him, but on the other hand, didn't envisage moving abroad on her own.

I think you need to come to a compromise, if indeed you want to remain a couple. If you don't, then don't.

You say he drinks a lot. Can you elaborate?