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Original poster

Hes retired and we want different things

56 replies

devfire · 23/05/2026 18:30

We've been together 12 yrs and engaged. He retired 4 yrs ago (he's older than me) i gave up my job and house and we moved abroad with my DD. It was incredibly difficult but my DD is now at university and thriving.
I did get some work but after a couple of years ended up cleaning which I hated as I had a professional job in UK. Last winter I decided to look for a job in UK mainly because I was really bored in the winter and DP drinks a lot. I got a job and came back to the rented house, awaiting DP to decide what he's doing.
Hes now said he doesn't want to come back to the UK. Im just gutted that after 12 years he can just say no he doesn't want to do that. But says he loves me?! Surely if you love someone you want to be with them?

OP posts:
Rewis · Yesterday 07:56

There are few things here.

One is that seems like he is an alcoholic and your relationship is not doing great. Do you really want to be engaged to an alcoholic and support him financially?

Second issue is the financial instability and you not being married provides another layer.

The info that is missing is what the discussion has been. When you moved, was it "we will see for a few years and might come back"? Did you feel pressured or we're you happy to move? When you started yo want to kove back, did you have discussions about it or was it an announcement? What did he say? What are his compromises?

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to move back, but i don't think he "owes you" for moving so that he now has to do it or that it is some type of measurement of love.

moderate · Yesterday 08:46

devfire · Yesterday 06:53

Its interesting to her people's views. Where we live abroad is really rural and I struggle to find things to do, I can keep myself occupied in the garden but it can be lonely. My DD wants to study medicine which is a lit cheaper where she is but still needs support from me.
We've talked a lot over the last few days and he will come back over the winter and we are looking to sell the house abroad and buy something smaller in another part of the country as its also a lot of work for him which also contributes to his drinking.
Thanks all for your perspectives, life is certainly not all black and white.

He drinks too much because retirement is a lot of work?
Are you sure you actually want to marry this man?
Is the house his?

Flowerponyfan · Yesterday 15:55

You sacrificed everything for him, and your daughter, who didn’t have a choice. He is just selfish and is only interested in what he wants so you are better off without him.
I have family member who retired to a rural part of Spain. The area was full of retired Brits who were bored and lonely with no purpose in life so just drank- don’t let that be you in the future.

Dozer · Yesterday 18:26

Yes, who owns the properties?

Sassylovesbooks · Yesterday 20:03

If your partner is drinking, could it be because he's bored? My FIL and his wife moved to Spain, thought the family on both sides would be frequent visitors but hadn't really accounted for the fact most working people only have so much annual leave and when you have children you can't just nip to Spain on the cheap! They became bored, started drinking too much, because they didn't have enough going on in their life. Having a house and garden can't take up all your partner's time.

You left the UK, taking your daughter with you and gave up a professional job. Unless you speak the language of the country, you've moved to, fluently, then finding an equal job would be extremely difficult at best. All there would be is low paid jobs, as you have found, which aren't fulfilling. Living in a rural location, with little to do, is a recipe for disaster.

It's a case of finding a compromise that suits you both or ending the relationship.

MaggieBsBoat · Yesterday 20:07

PermanentTemporary · 23/05/2026 19:52

You have put all your eggs in one basket and it’s fraying away. You’re away from your own country with an ageing alcoholic. I wonder what made you think that uprooting your life was a good idea.

What is your dd’s view? Is she now settled in the new country? I would be inclined to make a plan that works for the two of you.

Where does it say that he’s an alcoholic!?

OP made a choice, which now doesn’t suit her and her DH is being open about not making a choice which doesn’t suit him.
YABU OP.

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