Hes retired and we want different things

[devfire]

We've been together 12 yrs and engaged. He retired 4 yrs ago (he's older than me) i gave up my job and house and we moved abroad with my DD. It was incredibly difficult but my DD is now at university and thriving.
I did get some work but after a couple of years ended up cleaning which I hated as I had a professional job in UK. Last winter I decided to look for a job in UK mainly because I was really bored in the winter and DP drinks a lot. I got a job and came back to the rented house, awaiting DP to decide what he's doing.
Hes now said he doesn't want to come back to the UK. Im just gutted that after 12 years he can just say no he doesn't want to do that. But says he loves me?! Surely if you love someone you want to be with them?

You were silly to give up your job and move abroad in the first place. You’re again being silly to expect him to move back to the UK when obviously he moved away for a reason. You are again being silly to expect him to move back “for love” when it’s obvious he doesn’t love you and would be miserable in the UK. The relationship is over. You need to get you life back on track in the UK

Exactly

I don't feel Im being silly at all. We went abroad as a family and initially lived on his pension, i also found work but took me away from home as its very difficult to find work locally. Hes become obsessed with the house and garden and drinks a lot. Ive asked him to stop and he wont, it became particularly bad last winter. I have no stability abroad, dont own anything he holds all the cards. I honestly thought he would eventually follow me as he always complains of being on his own. But it seems he's happy where he is and ai have to accept that however hard it is for me after 12 years. My hopes and dreams are dashed.

He expects me to just spend my annual leave there, how can that work as a couple in a relationship?

Truthfully, OP, I would just accept that the relationship has run its course. I don't know how old you both are, but you just want/need different things. If the differences are insurmountable, which they seem to be, I would just let it be and move on.

It sounds like the relationship is over. All that's left is to say it out loud.

Where is your DD at Uni? Is she in the UK, where your DO lives or another Country?

And I too think that the relationship is over. The drinking would have been enough for me.

Your own life and work in the UK versus life with an elderly pisshead abroad scrubbing other people’s loos. I know which I’d choose.

You left your life and followed him. Now it's his turn to do the same. If he doesn't see this, that's the end of the relationship. How long do you have left to your retirement?

The relationship has come to an end.

No, you weren’t silly to give up your job and move to another country with him. You did what was right for you at the time.
But that was then. You now want something different. He doesn’t. It’s hard, but I think you just need to accept the relationship is done.

Surely if you love someone you want to be with them?

And yet you left the country he lives in. So by your own reasoning, you don’t love him. In which case, what’s the problem? Just draw a line under it.

She made the unilateral decision to move back to the UK. Also, you’re ignoring the “and then getting upset when he doesn’t want to come with you”.

Seems like you made a risky decision for you and DD to move abroad for a man. it worked out in some ways, but not for you workwise, financially or now relationship wise.

Do you have money of your own, pension, enough to pay for housing if you split up? job prospects?

Where is your DC studying?

If your prospects are better here you could stay in his house here, work, build up money and plan your exit from the relationship.

If he has a drink problem he doesn’t want to address, that alone would warrant breaking up.

There’s a lot going on here. Your main mistake was moving abroad not properly checking your professional options.

If I were him I wouldn’t move back to the UK either, but most importantly, why do you want him to? The way you describe him doesn’t make it sound like you like him either.

Well that works both ways. Surely if you love him you would stay in the same country he is in? With you saying he drinks a lot and you were bored in winter, I get the feeling the relationship isn't all that great anyway. Neither of you want to compromise on where you live and that is okay. Start a new life without him.

It sounds like you want to be single.
It was a big thing to give up your job and home to move abroad - with daughter too - and have to accept something of a lesser kind in order to earn a bit.
You don't say where you are.

Is your daughter at uni in England?

Your partner is obviously settled and doesn't want to move back. He also drinks a lot. Time to call it a day? Weigh up your options.

He sounds awful. This sounds like a very good chance to get rid of him entirely. Seize it.

Completely agree - this doesn't have to be a blame game. He wanted to retire abroad and has done. You followed and were bored - so you came back - again, if that's what you want then that's fine. I think in these circumstances the word 'love' has to do a lot of heavy lifting - it needs to absolve and resolve everything for everyone and that's just not realistic. You can love someone and not be able to live in their world or their version of what they want their life to be.

You're fortunate you had a place to come back to and hopefully you can pick up your career again if that is what you want to do. But again, no one is to blame, you made choices in the same way that he did. And now you can choose to reverse the lifestyle change you made. The drinking is another issue as I wonder if you have put it in here to demonise or if it is a genuine issue that impacts on you and that he needs medical assistance with? In which case, is he getting help? I'm the sister of an alcoholic, so I have been there many times.

Did you sell a house in the UK?

He's now said he doesn't want to come back to the UK. Im just gutted that after 12 years he can just say no he doesn't want to do that

Neither of you are in your 20s, you don't have all the time in the world to decide what you want to do in life.

youve waited an awfully long time, 12 years, to hear his plans. Why be so passive? Sitting there waiting to be told sounds like something from the 1950s where the woman relied on their menfolk to tell them what would happen to their life.

It is sad - but it seems that you don’t want the same things and so either one person has to endlessly compromise and become resentful - or you go your separate ways. Try and put yourself first as you decide - as he clearly won’t……

Its interesting to her people's views. Where we live abroad is really rural and I struggle to find things to do, I can keep myself occupied in the garden but it can be lonely. My DD wants to study medicine which is a lit cheaper where she is but still needs support from me.
We've talked a lot over the last few days and he will come back over the winter and we are looking to sell the house abroad and buy something smaller in another part of the country as its also a lot of work for him which also contributes to his drinking.
Thanks all for your perspectives, life is certainly not all black and white.

To be honest OP wouldn’t stay in this relationship. It doesn’t make you happy by the sounds of it so why bother?