Should I tell his partner after our messages crossed a line?

[WhatTheFuckAmIDoing]

Let me just say, I know I'm being a bloody idiot but I can't help the way that I feel.

I had a brief relationship with someone last year who I'd been friends with for over 20 years (I'm 40, he's 43) and who I'd been friends with benefits with for a few years prior to that. I was in a really bad place mentally at the time, drinking far too much (he's teetotal) and because of me it all went to shit.

I had something significant to me to celebrate last night, and he was the first person to congratulate me (he'd previously blocked me after an argument). We've been texting back and forth and things ended up getting a bit heated/sexual. I do really miss him now that I've sorted out my mental health and the sex was absolutely incredible, I've dated two people since and they were a total let-down in that department, I literally cannot stop thinking about our sex life.

I've told him this morning how much I miss him and that I would like to give things another go. However, he's admitted he's with someone else. Needless to say I'm not impressed since I would class what he's done in terms of messaging etc as cheating.

Part of me wonders if I should tell her, but obviously that would damage any sort of relationship I might ever have with him. But I genuinely do want him back, even though I know I should forget all about him

No, stay out of it. It sounds like you want to tell to her to end their relationship and give you a better chance of rekindling your relationship with him, which is entirely the wrong reason and very selfish. He will resent you and any relationship built on that is already majorly flawed.

Who needs enemies if they can have friends like you

Sounds as though he wasn't upfront with you about being in a new relationship.

Personally I wouldn't tell his partner about the messages but I woukd cut contact with him.

Should his current relationship end he is in no doubt about how you feel about him. .

Christ, no. sounds like you want to ruin his relationship on purpose, vile.

I'm usually all for telling a spouse, but not this time.

No. You sound like you just want to wreck his relationship.

No.......

In this case I’d stay quiet.

And probably block him and move on with your life.

Well i absolutely believe you want to do this for purely altruistic reasons and definitely not because youre just wounded hes not interested.

Do you even know his partner to tell her so you can feel a sense of revenge

Leave him and his GF alone!

Telling her, will not make you feel better. Don't do it.

OP, Your reasoning for telling his partner are flawed, because they're for purely selfish and vindictive reasons.
Don't do it out of spite.

@Frauhubert I don't know her?

If he keeps rabbits, I hope they’re safely locked away.

Do you even know who she is?

In this situation I'd be keeping myself out of it unless I actually had some kind of relationship myself with the other woman in some way (friend, friend of friend, colleague...). You don't know what their relationship is like, what stage it's at, what they define as acceptable within it (regardless of your own views) etc etc. I agree at face-value his behaviour isn't good, but based on what has happened I'd just be leaving it for the sake of your own dignity and staying away from him.

Also, be honest with yourself - are your intentions in telling her purely selfless, or are you hoping for an outcome that would suit you (i.e. they break up, or you get the satisfaction of getting back at him for his behaviour)?

Based on what you've said I'm taking a guess that your motives aren't 100% selfless, in which case saying something is really just meddling.

I wish I hadn't let AI MN take charge of the thread title because telling her is not my intention really. I knew I would get flamed but I needed to hear it from others that pursuing him is not a good idea. My IRL friends seem to think we are soulmates therefore I should do everything I can to get him back.

I've asked him to be specific about what he means when he says he wants to be friends. Apparently that means 'the penis doesn't go in'. Now I feel icky and want to take back this whole post!

You've been tinkering around with this guy for years and are surprised that he has a new relationship which you seem to think it might be a good idea to destroy.

Just walk away.

You seem very invested in not taking responsibility for your own actions, OP. You didn't need to let Mn AI choose your thread title. You can absolutely help your 'feelings'. You can choose to ignore the friends who think you're soulmates. And you can absolutely prevent yourself from interfering in a relationship with is nothing to do with you. Think of this guy like a bad habit.

This guy sounds like an idiot. He's in a relationship with another woman but is sexting with you? Both you and his gf deserve better but you concentrate on working on you and leave him to it.

You are not soulmates, wtf. He doesn’t want you, he wants the relationship he has. Stop being weird about it and just accept the rejection.

Oh, ffs, how vindictive. Are you sure your mental health's in the clear? That doesn't sound rational to me.

@WhatTheFuckAmIDoing

"My IRL friends seem to think we are soulmates" but you're not his, are you?

Otherwise he would have had no compunction in dumping his girlfriend, now would he?

You're hurt, obviously and he's played you for a fool but why punish her?

Walk away, with dignity!

If you are soul mates then it wouldnt be this difficult.

If you were friends for a long time prior, I fail to see how the relationship couldnt work first time unless you just wernt suitable. Usually being friends first means a good foundation to start on. Sorry to say but if it was going to work youd still be together the first time round.

Id stop all contact and move on

No, you’re not soulmates. He’s not interested enough to be with you. He is with someone else.
you only want to tell her because you believe he should be with you. If he wanted to, he would let you know and he has made it clear that beyond just sex he really isn’t interested. Let it lie and move the hell on.

Your IRL friends are not helping, are they? If you were soul mates he wouldnt be in a relationship with someone else messaging you on the side.