Should I tell his partner after our messages crossed a line?

[WhatTheFuckAmIDoing]

Let me just say, I know I'm being a bloody idiot but I can't help the way that I feel.

I had a brief relationship with someone last year who I'd been friends with for over 20 years (I'm 40, he's 43) and who I'd been friends with benefits with for a few years prior to that. I was in a really bad place mentally at the time, drinking far too much (he's teetotal) and because of me it all went to shit.

I had something significant to me to celebrate last night, and he was the first person to congratulate me (he'd previously blocked me after an argument). We've been texting back and forth and things ended up getting a bit heated/sexual. I do really miss him now that I've sorted out my mental health and the sex was absolutely incredible, I've dated two people since and they were a total let-down in that department, I literally cannot stop thinking about our sex life.

I've told him this morning how much I miss him and that I would like to give things another go. However, he's admitted he's with someone else. Needless to say I'm not impressed since I would class what he's done in terms of messaging etc as cheating.

Part of me wonders if I should tell her, but obviously that would damage any sort of relationship I might ever have with him. But I genuinely do want him back, even though I know I should forget all about him

He sounds dreadful; don't join him. Keep well away, if only for the good of your mental health.

So to clarify, he's happy to carry on having oral sex with you, because that doesn't count as cheating on his wife?

Honestly @WhatTheFuckAmIDoing , pull yourself together! You do not want to be soul mates with such a dreadful man.

Whilst I believe the partner should be told so she can leave him, your motivation for doing so is questionable, bit like your hoping she'll leave him so he can be with you. Just remember how you got him is how he'll leave you OP.

Even if you can't help how you feel, you can certainly help what you do, and the only reason you have for telling her is the hope he'd end up single and return to you, be honest with yourself. Not good and frankly he doesn't sound great either.

Block him and step away from dating for a bit.

Breaking them up isn’t going to habe him running to you. It will have him run in thr opposite direction and not look back.

honestly, try to have some dignity.

Just because you want him back doesn't mean you can have him, anything you say to her will make you look like the psycho you are, and you're just going to have to accept that the ship has sailed.

Are you happy to be just friends? If so, behave like one. If not, move on.

There's a whole lot of good sex out there. Enjoy yourself finding it.

JFC

@VeganSteakAndFries GFA - great fucking advice

You just want to split them up so you'll have him. RL doesn't work like that, you'll probably lose him for good tho he doesn't sound a great catch as for "My IRL friends seem to think we are soulmates therefore I should do everything I can to get him back" you need to find some new friends with integrity

You're not friends, you're an off and on fuck biddy who has romantic feelings for the guy that aren't returned. He's not your friend, he's a guy who's using you.

I'm usually in favour of telling the cheater's spouse or partner because I think they have a right to know that their partner is exposing them to other people's body flora and potential STIs. I also think lack of knowledge is a consent issue when it comes to sex.

But you have other motives here and they're motivated by malice and according to you, it seems like there's only been sexting going on since he's been with his GF or partner.

You stand a very good chance of being painted as the crazy ex by him. He's not going to dump who he's with for you.

I've asked him to be specific about what he means when he says he wants to be friends. Apparently that means 'the penis doesn't go in'.

I just want to say "friends" like this are why I think male and female friendships are for the most part, bullshit. It seems like one has underlying sexual and or romantic feelings for the other they sit on most of the time.

On again, off again, blocking, unblocking, crossing boundaries while in a relationship. That's not how mentally healthy people who know how to be a good partner and who possesses ethics, acts.

You've lived half your life and have half left. It's time to grow up and start seeing that FWBs are always meant to be temporary and it's a shallow life longterm. You tried a relationship with him, so if it's your life goal to have a longterm serious partner, you're going to have to start dating wisely.

No decent man will date you when you're in contact with this "friend." It's not respecting a prospective date, and will drive anybody decent away. Think about how you want to be treated, and treat others accordingly.

An AI title is the least of your concerns OP.

Read back what you wrote in your OP.
This has been an on off friends/FWB, blocked/unblocked, speaking/not speaking situation for years.
It's hardly Mills and Boon is it?

You are NOT soul mates, you are just down on your uppers at the moment and he is a skank who sends sexual texts to an old FWB behind his girlfriend's back.

He's even telling you himself he's not interested.

Stop kidding yourself he's your friend - he's not.
You want more than that and you will end up fucking your own head up pursuing someone who doesn't care about you.

Just tell your friends you don’t want to be soulmates with a cheat. You said yourself the recent messages are a form of cheating. Even if the relationship he is in ends, would you want to be with a cheat

Soulmates, seriously they are telling you what you want to hear. If this is your soulmate you’re in a sad old situation, and someone should tell him.

It was one night, last night, he told her today he’s not interested, he’s a partner. It’s not great but it’s not prolonged or anything.

Just think through what would happen if you told her. The most likely outcome is that he'd cut you off forever.

If it worked and you got him all to yourself (very unlikely), you'd forever be questioning if you were merely Plan B, the Fallback Option. And you'd be paranoid about whether he was sexting his female friends.

The only reason I would tell someone in this situation (and do you even know who she is in order to contact her?) would be so that he cuts all contact with me and that I don’t try to contact him because I feel embarassed about getting involved in his dating life because I’m hurt that he’s with someone else. Obviously this is not very emotionally mature and not recommended.

From my point of view, he’s made it clear he wants to be platonic friends but still keep you interested in case there’s a chance of a future fuck on his terms. Is that what you want? Especially knowing he’s the kind of person who will happily send sexual messages while dating someone else? My advice is to wish him well, block him on everything, tell your friends you deserve more than him so you don’t want to talk about him, and buy a great vibrator

If he wanted to be with you he would be.

If you were soulmates you'd be together. Let this one go.