Husband told my son we were divorcing during an argument

[Catscratchclubber]

DH and I have been married 5 years, together 7. I have a son who is now 14, and was 7 when he first met my husband. He rarely sees his own Dad (he lives abroad and moved there when I was pregnant) and considers my DH his dad and calls him as such - they are very close and usually dote on each other.

Sorry for the background, I don’t know what’s relevant or not and don’t want to drip feed.

DH and I have had a rocky few months as I have felt unsuppprted by him over something that is a big deal to me. I can go into detail on that too if needed, but I don’t want to derail the thread. While it’s been rocky, we are steady and it’s not been awful, just that we have had more little arguments and it’s not been as smooth as usual.

On Sunday we had an argument, and I left the house to go meet a friend (preplanned) without it being resolved. I came back in the house after this and DH silently got up and left the room (clearly blanking me) DS was in his bedroom at this point so totally unaware. I thought sod this and got back in my car and left to get my nails done and go for a coffee.

All hell has then broken loose. DS starts texting me saying DH is incredibly angry and shouting and I shouldn’t come home as it will make it worse. He then texts again begging me to make it better, and then sends a follow up text saying “well now I know the truth, DH has just told me you are getting divorced” I am trying to reassure DS and calm things while trying to get out of nail salon and get home.

i messaged DH and said you are scaring DS please calm down, and he replies calling me an evil cunt…… so that escalated hugely. I replied saying he had massively crossed a line for me bringing DS into things, that it was one thing us arguing and another entirely to tell DS we were divorcing (which was news to me!) and basically do it in a way that hurt him on purpose so it hurt me.

I come home and DH has apologised to DS for scaring him, he’s then much calmer and has apologised to me and says he will “fix it”, but I am struggling massively with this whole incident.

My gut instinct wants him no where near us, I feel like I can’t trust him with DS - I can’t believe he would use him to hurt me, I can’t believe he would purposefully hurt him. DS is begging me to let it go, saying he has apologised and he’s fine. Is there a way to move forward from this? I’m seeing my counsellor on Friday but I am gutted and am backwards and forwards trying to reason my way through this. All the trust has gone between us.

Can anyone help me make sense of this? I’m at work so if there’s a delay in replying I’m not ignoring the thread I promise.

Yes, divorce is correct. As soon as possible. Your husband didn't 'used' to have anger issues (why would you subject your young son to that?) he has anger issues. Get him gone and begin the healing process. There's a lot to do.

Nailed it.

I'm so sorry.

I know your situation is very complicated. I would at this point be expecting that either dh himself wants to, initiates and does a major re think of his life choices and a major repair for both you, ds and his commitment to your relationship, based on never letting this happen again, or that separation is now the rational next step. Not necessarily divorce, but living with someone this poorly controlled and not wanting to be in the relationship with you or your child, and just letting it bumble on in the hope that nothing worse happens, is not good for anyone.

That's a lot to untangle.
I'm so sorry you're in this position.
Getting some support for your DS would be good, whilst you figure out how to move forward 💐.

I was sorry to read you have had cancer. As PP said, that has been an awful lot for both you and your son to deal with. It makes it so much worse that he has reverted to not controlling himself. He has shown you the counselling he had was a waste of time and the anger and spitefulness is still there ready to be unleashed when he feels like it. That is who he is.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it goes well for you. You and your son deserve some peace.

I am sorry to read of wjat has gone on with your health. Is there somewhere you and DS can go if you split?

Any partner who purposely and spitefully upset my children would be gone. Immediately.

Anyone who called me names would also be gone.

Yes disagreements happen but conflicts can be done in a non aggressive manner, and name calling is purposefully hurtful and intimidating. I could not come back from either of those and the environment would be no good for your son either who genuinely sounds like a lovely caring son.

Wishing you health and happiness x

i messaged DH and said you are scaring DS please calm down, and he replies calling me an evil cunt…

Charming

Leaving is so complicated. I have had cancer and we have run up a lot of debt when I was off work. I can’t afford our house alone. I’m not saying that staying is the right decision, just that I need to figure out how to do this.

First of all go see Citizens Advice.
You will need help seeing if you are entitled to any benefits, especially since you have had cancer.
You will need debt counselling, they might refer you to StepChange who can make the debts a lot more manageable.
They can give information regarding rentals and possibly rental help/deposits.

Then see a solicitor for a one off consultation so you know your rights.
The debt will be considered both his and yours if they were for the family home but you will need legal advice regarding that.

You will probably have to give the house up and find somewhere else. Once you have accepted that possibility it does make planning a lot easier and mentally freeing. A house isn't worth a scared child but some women think no house scares a child more, it doesn't if the parent is matter of fact/pretends it's exciting about moving.

Good luck OP, yours does seem a particularly explosive end

What is it with men calling women a c*? To me that word crossing a line. People who love each other don’t them each other that.

He is not a nice man.
That's disgusting that he would do that to your son. He was scared for you to come home, imagine what he was going through.
I think that would be the end for me.
Sending hugs.

Well, he told your son the truth because there's no coming back from that. He's awful to you and now he's weaponised your son against you. Divorce is now the only option here.

File for divorce in the school holidays

I’m so sorry, OP. What a terrible situation to find yourself in.

I don’t think I would ever be able to trust him again. A 14-year-old boy should never be made to feel like he has to protect his mother from her husband.

I second the pp who suggested going to citizen’s advice to help with finance and also Women’s Aid. They can really help with advice.

‘Dad’ being incredibly angry and shouting when you aren’t there is awful an extra abuse as others have said. All designed to draw you back and engage with his mood.

I grew up in a DV house. It’s important to tell your son that we don’t cling to people who hurt us …we have to show them their behaviour is unacceptable and that families are safe spaces ..that it is frightening to say NO and can we can love people but we don’t let them hurt us OR the people we love ..which is him your beloved DS who deserves a safe and happy home.

I am so aware of the harm it did to me that my mother stayed / stays…life long harm and fear from trauma (some positives I work with vulnerable people and can detect the mood in a room hyper fast etc..but mostly I wonder what I could have achieved if I hadn’t been fearful throughout my childhood and used my reserves of bravery so very early in life). I’ve done well but I know it limits me even now.

Is your husband in his 40s by any chance? Men seem to go a bit mad at some point in this decade - usually as they approach 50.

Did you actually bother to read the OP’s posts? This man has already been in therapy for his temper, his vile behaviour is nothing new and nothing to do with his age.

Sending virtual hugs and a hand hold. This is awful, and your DH is an abusive manipulative bully. I would find it impossible to come back from this. I'm a tigress when it comes to my cub, but a man calling me a cunt as well?! It would be the last thing he said to me. Ever.

Let me guess - police officer?

Im so sorry OP but I think you know deep down what’s right for your DS and you. And it’s not this bloke.

DH used to have an anger problem and has PTSD - he works in a field where he’s faced with aggression quite regularly and he would use similar tactics at home (shouting loudly, never physical)

Poor kid 💔💔

Sounds like he’s had to put up living in an abusive home for years.

Even now you are making excuses as to why you can’t leave your partner.

No child should ever have to try and calm a situation down between 2 adults.

Why do you care that your DH had PTSD when I can guarantee your son has it/will have it as an adult.

You cared more about this man than your own son which is disgusting.

Your husband has still very much got anger issues and PTSD is no excuse for his behaviour, if you allow it to blow over then this will become a regular occurrence.

Jesus, I mean, have you read the thread? My behaviour is disgusting? knocking another woman when she’s asking for help and clearly has a shitty and potentially abusive home situation is not the way to empower someone to make the frankly terrifying decision to upturn her and her child’s life.

You think I’m disgusting and I think you should be ashamed of yourself. My son and I are genuinely going to be fine, but the next vulnerable person you have a go at might not be.

@Catscratchclubber ignore the rude idiots. X

If you both genuinely want to salvage this marriage then he needs to have some anger management sessions and probably a whole heap of therapy so that he doesn't behave in this way again. His behaviour was excessive, abusive and downright nasty.

If you feel you've emotionally checked out as a result of this incident then there is probably no going back and you need to think about logistics of what happens next.

Wishing you well whatever you decide x