Husband told my son we were divorcing during an argument

[Catscratchclubber]

DH and I have been married 5 years, together 7. I have a son who is now 14, and was 7 when he first met my husband. He rarely sees his own Dad (he lives abroad and moved there when I was pregnant) and considers my DH his dad and calls him as such - they are very close and usually dote on each other.

Sorry for the background, I don’t know what’s relevant or not and don’t want to drip feed.

DH and I have had a rocky few months as I have felt unsuppprted by him over something that is a big deal to me. I can go into detail on that too if needed, but I don’t want to derail the thread. While it’s been rocky, we are steady and it’s not been awful, just that we have had more little arguments and it’s not been as smooth as usual.

On Sunday we had an argument, and I left the house to go meet a friend (preplanned) without it being resolved. I came back in the house after this and DH silently got up and left the room (clearly blanking me) DS was in his bedroom at this point so totally unaware. I thought sod this and got back in my car and left to get my nails done and go for a coffee.

All hell has then broken loose. DS starts texting me saying DH is incredibly angry and shouting and I shouldn’t come home as it will make it worse. He then texts again begging me to make it better, and then sends a follow up text saying “well now I know the truth, DH has just told me you are getting divorced” I am trying to reassure DS and calm things while trying to get out of nail salon and get home.

i messaged DH and said you are scaring DS please calm down, and he replies calling me an evil cunt…… so that escalated hugely. I replied saying he had massively crossed a line for me bringing DS into things, that it was one thing us arguing and another entirely to tell DS we were divorcing (which was news to me!) and basically do it in a way that hurt him on purpose so it hurt me.

I come home and DH has apologised to DS for scaring him, he’s then much calmer and has apologised to me and says he will “fix it”, but I am struggling massively with this whole incident.

My gut instinct wants him no where near us, I feel like I can’t trust him with DS - I can’t believe he would use him to hurt me, I can’t believe he would purposefully hurt him. DS is begging me to let it go, saying he has apologised and he’s fine. Is there a way to move forward from this? I’m seeing my counsellor on Friday but I am gutted and am backwards and forwards trying to reason my way through this. All the trust has gone between us.

Can anyone help me make sense of this? I’m at work so if there’s a delay in replying I’m not ignoring the thread I promise.

Divorce seems like the most sensible option here.

He was having a tantrum & threw his toys out of the pram. including your son.
At the very least, he needs to go & spend some time thinking about what he wants, Maybe it is a divorce?

He lost power when you walked out and didn't engage, so he regained it by upsetting your son, knowing it would hurt you. Been there when I was a child and I'm not sure I ever fully forgave my father for manipulating me.

Just reading your OP, I got that drop in my stomach, I don't think I could ever trust someone who did that to my son.
Has he ever acted like that before? It seems so extreme and unconnected to what went before.

Your instincts as to what happened are probably largely correct.

your dh was hurt and responded by venting his anger on your DS, and then on you by text,

his anger is now gone and he has realised what he has done. He now wants to apologise and for things to go back the way they were.

do you have children other than the DS you mentioned?

I have been through similar. It genuinely scared my kids and one reacted by hating her father and considering him evil and being scared of spending time with him. The other calculated rationally that he couldn’t afford financially to leave (he was mid teens) and began spending as much time as possible at his girlfriends abd when he was here he tried to protect both me and his sister.

it did a lot of damage to both of them and honestly it’s only now that I am really understanding how much.

this is not the sort of thing an apology can fix. Your son has been really scared and it will impact him going forward - whether he chooses to try to appease your dh or whether he just sees him as evil.

unfortunately I am disabled and for me I was unable to leave for a long time because of problems accessing care.

i would suggest that you think very hard about this.

What he did was emotionally abusive to your son.

I think it's a really rare man who can treat an unrelated child "as his own". This man isn't one of them. It's a shame you encouraged your son to call him Dad but that ship is sailed, he's not his Dad and clearly doesn't consider himself the Dad or he wouldn't have been so cruel.

Keep him far away from your son.

Is he abusive in other ways? Calling you a cunt is abusive. Emotionally manipulating you by using your son to win an argument is abusive. Getting angry so you back down and do what he wants is abusive. The silent treatment is abusive.

I’d be shocked if this is truly the first time he’s ever shown abusive behaviours, it might be that you’ve become conditioned to appease him that you haven’t even realised it.

Both your husband and son must know that if you split, he wouldn't have custody as a totally unrelated ex. So what your husband did was extra cruel for that reason, it was basically threatening not to see your son any more. He's no "Dad". Put your son first and throw this man out of the window

Exactly how many “rocky months”? Have their been lots of arguments and bad atmosphere ?

Your son is clearly very aware of the tensions and feels like he has to play peacemaker. What a dreadful thing for your dh to put him in the middle of your marital issues.

You need to spend a lot of time with your son reassuring him that whatever happens next is not his fault. I would personally stop my own counselling and spend that money on finding someone for my son to talk to right away. Instruct the counsellor what’s going on and help him realise that as a 14 year old he is not responsible and he is being mistreated by his “dad”.

And you need to end the marriage but be aware that suddenly losing his father figure is going to hit your da like a sledgehammer. Be careful op.

I am sat in the car crying reading your replies, as I think you are all saying what I think. My head is absolutely all over the place.

I am trying to do what’s best for DS as I feel like this is one of those moments that was abusive (I said this to DH at the time) and that even if he is begging me to let it go, he doesn’t necessarily know what he’s asking as he’s 14 and acting from a place of fear because he doesn’t want to lose DH.

I don’t want him to look back as an adult and think I didn’t protect him, or that it’s okay to act this way. I just feel like I’m about to blow up our lives and I need to be certain that’s the right decision. I feel like my brain can’t keep up with how quickly things have changed!

DH used to have an anger problem and has PTSD - he works in a field where he’s faced with aggression quite regularly and he would use similar tactics at home (shouting loudly, never physical). We had a lot of counselling and he put in a lot of work and this hasn’t been an issue for a long time though. It is always in the back of my mind though. This incident was calculating in a way his shouting never was though. Someone who said a temper tantrum nailed it I think.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m gutted.

Please read this again. Then think really hard about the past few years.

To be perfectly honest though once a relationship hits the no trust and no respect it is over. It's just a matter of when, not if, and the when will be down to how much self worth and self esteem you have. He might have already eroded both away over the years.

Why are you seeing a counsellor btw, is that for relationship issues? Some women suffer from depression and mh issues because of constant, but seemingly low level, abuse such as belittling.

Your son is 14. If your husband has crossed a line to the point that you think the relationship is untenable, I’d recommend ripping off the plaster sooner rather than later. Your son is heading into critical years academically and in terms of preparing for adulthood. The last thing he needs is several years caught in the crossfire while your relationship breaks down.

No one calls me a cunt and gets away with it, let alone upset my kids.
Why are you with this mouthy abusive idiot ?

I agree. He deliberately told yoir son something knowing it would cause him pain. He can't be trusted.

Besides that, I could not live with a person who called me an "evil cunt".

All hell has then broken loose. DS starts texting me saying DH is incredibly angry and shouting and I shouldn’t come home as it will make it worse.

This text from your son says so much and is incredibly sad. He’s trying to protect you but he’s still a child.

Also the fact H threw such a tantrum in front of/at your son, when you had removed yourself from his silent treatment behaviour, is shocking.

He’s not a good man.

This. Two things here stand out. It’ll only get worse.

He sounds abusive and just vile.

Now you know hes the type of person who will deliberately badly hurt a child just to get at someone else. Your son was purely a weapon. His humanity is irrelevant to your husband. That is the sort of person your husband is.

He is also the type of person to call you a cunt be abuse you slipped out of his control. Literally the name society tells him is the worst, most misogynistic name possible. There isn’t a worse one. That’s the sort of person he is.

Neither of you are as important to him as he is. He expects to control you.

He might change his behaviour but not who he is on the inside. I am sorry.

I also think it says a lot that he was willing to hurt your son to get at you — it doesn’t feel like someone who truly sees him as their own child would do that.

This is exactly what happened.

I'm really bothered by the fact your son also felt it best for you not to come home. He's seen or heard something that's let him know your husband can be a scary fella, and that's just so sad.

He's fearful of his life changing, and likely fearful of what this means for you; but for his sake and yours, this should be the end.

Leaving is so complicated. I have had cancer and we have run up a lot of debt when I was off work. I can’t afford our house alone. I’m not saying that staying is the right decision, just that I need to figure out how to do this.

I would definitely get counselling for DS, he saw someone intermittently when I was poorly and I can reach out to them again as he already has a relationship with them.

Im just so gutted, I would never have anticipated this happening, it’s like my brain hasn’t caught up with reality.

Yes, the texts from DS were really horrendous as he was trying to protect me and stop things escalating further. That’s what I have kept coming back to over the last few days. He already knew too much without DH involving him further.

I don't think I could ever forgive this. Involving (and scaring) your son and calling you what he did? No.

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had cancer, that’s a lot for you and also your son, to cope with in itself.

It can take a lot of thinking to process this.

i was in a similar situation - disabled and not as simple as just leave.

things you can do in the meantime - talk to school. At a minimum let them know, they may be able to offer counselling (many schools now have a counsellor as MH wait lists are insane). They may also have other support (eg as you have had cancer he may be able to access young carer suppprt).

work on finding a safe place within your house for both you and him should this happen again. Bathrooms are often good because they can be locked.

if your son doesn’t have a lock on his bedroom door consider getting one so that he can sleep in relative security.

women’s aid may be helpful as well