How many people do you really think have had affairs?

[Funiculus]

I actually think the number is a lot higher than stats show because it’s a hard metric to baseline (most people won’t admit to it.) So for this analysis 🧐 I’m assuming an affair is not just emotional contact but physical of any kind. Just a quick google (out of pure morbid curiosity yields this;

Studies show that 20% to 40% of adults admit to having an affair at least once in their lives. However, because this relies on self-reported data, experts estimate the true rate of infidelity—including emotional affairs and one-night stands—could be closer to 40% to 50% across committed relationships.

However I posit that the true data is even higher. I would benchmark it as around 70% over the course of a long marriage - and this includes both sexes. Reason? Whilst societal views remain disapproving of extra-martial liaisons, the reality is most people (not all, most) are not engineered to be monogamous long term. Nature favours procreation over societal disapproval and we are hardwired to prioritise sex with suitable partners throughout our lives. This is why you often see the sexual trend of an older man running off with a younger woman. It’s primal programming in action.

Of course not everyone is a long term marriage has an affair, I’m not suggesting that. But I reckon a lot do. At different points in their marriages. I think it’s a sort of unspoken truth of the human condition that has been pushed underground by modern sensibilities and religious conformity.

My eyes have been opened recently by a friend of DH confessing to him that he’d slept with multiple women he met on hook up sites. Appeared happily married, seemed like a lovely family man. Liked shagging strangers. It’s made me suspicious of everyone.

I'm surprised it's as low as 20%, and 20 - 40 is such a huge range.

I'm convinced it's a higher percentage, as throughout my working / adult life, I've witnessed so many affairs. Not ONS, but some long-term ones, on and off etc.

I’ll answer your question as best I can.

I had a long term affair within a long term marriage.

My (ex) husband found out years after the affair had ended. We had individual counselling, were set to have joint counselling, but covid happened so that didn’t eventuate. We were both absolutely committed to fixing things and staying together.

Several years later he decided he couldn’t actually forgive me so we separated.

How did I feel during it? Elation when I was with him, but sick with guilt and fear when I wasn’t. In the end the negatives outweighed any positives I was getting out of it, so I ended it. I didn’t leave my husband because I genuinely loved him and we had an amazing life. Everyone was shocked when we divorced because everyone thought we were the strongest couple they knew.

How do I feel now? Disappointed with myself and sad that I hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. I’ve had a lot of therapy since so now understand a lot more about myself. I have a really good life now, a lovely new relationship. But I do miss the future we had planned together.

Yes easily 40- 50 %

Thank you so much for your candour, @Lostsadandconfused.

If you wouldn't mind me asking, what was it like in those few years during which he found out he couldn't continue? Did you initially have a period of hysterical bonding? Did things constantly deteriorate, or plateau? Was it loss of trust that caused loss of forgiveness?

During the affair itself, did you tell yourself a story about what it meant? Was there anything your husband could have done about that?

On the surface things seemed fine, we had long overseas holidays together, worked on our farm, socialised, made plans.

But in hindsight something was missing, sometimes he spoke to me and looked at me like he hated me, even though he said the opposite.

If it wasn’t for Covid, we might have made it. We’d have had the joint counselling. I’m Australian, so we were locked down together for a long time. It took a huge toll on me. But then again, it might have just happened sooner if we’d had the counselling.

I don’t want to make excuses as to why it happened, but there were reasons, it didn’t come out of the blue. I had cancer which nearly killed me. During my recovery I turned away from my husband instead of towards him. And selfishly, I felt that if I was going to die, I wanted to experience that first heady feeling of falling in love again. I met just the right/wrong person at a time when I was very vulnerable and not thinking clearly.

My therapy also uncovered some deeply buried CSA which has led me to some quite destructive behaviours, I’m still working on that.

Thank you very much again for being so open and honest. I really appreciate your soul-searching response.

For what it's worth, I can certainly understand how your life experiences must have affected you (as much as anyone can who has not shared those experiences).

From my ancedotal observations it has been a fairly even mix of men and women having affairs. Im in my 50s and sadly many of the couples whose weddings I attended in my 20s have split up with the wives being just as likely to have affairs then the husbands. I am also a member of a sports club that travels quite a bit around the country to competitions and there is loads of snagging and one night stands with both men and women having 'fun'.

I'm no expert but I would have thought in the case of most affairs there would be some unhappiness in the original relationship? Yes, you might see someone else you fancy but you'd presumably not want to jeopardise your life/respect of your children, friends etc

Adultery is a sin because you promise in your vows to be faithful to your spouse and it's wrong to lie. That's got nothing to do with the patriarchy.

That makes me sound pious, I'm not.

Maybe birds of a feather flock together, but I know hardly anyone who has had an affair, at least not to my knowledge.

My husband's ex and one of his friends had an affair (if you can call it that when they are still together 12 years later) and the whole friendship group cut them off and haven't been in touch since.

I have more of an issue when it's all ons like that rather than an on going affair with one person. I'm not sure why.
Maybe i'm just an old romantic 😂

Lol is she writing a thesis....footnotes and bibliography woman, stat!

Interesting, it's very a difficult stat to find out. On the one hand I'm thinking 'why would people who hadn't already been found out admit it?' On the other hand I'm wondering if admitting it might fulfil some sort of psychological need to fess up.

Based on people I know, 70% as mentioned above seems a lot. But based on people I know isn't a very scientific approach.

Again, do you imagine they're going to tell you? It's really no difficult to conceal them.

"However I posit that the true data is even higher."

She gave an OPINION how very DARE she 🙄🤣

But would that cover the serially unfaithful or easily bored? They might be the ones who'd never/rarely tell?

I would imagine over half of the people in LTR have either had an affair sexually or emotionally. Most of them would be sexual.

i worked in industries in the past where everyone was cheating. Awful.

She worded it as if the opinion was based on something. I pointed out it was not. How very DARE I? 🙄

Well, I think considering both my husband and I work entirely from home, and his two hobbies are at the theatre where I also perform and at the running club with my Dad, I would be quite impressed if he managed to have an affair.

I suppose some of my friends might have had an affair but none of them have any filter so I'd be surprised if they could keep a secret like that. It would definitely be regarded very badly in my social group.

I do think a happily married man is more likely to have a ONS or perhaps an affair than a happily married woman.
Sex with someone new is going to be more exciting than with someone you’ve been having sex with for 15 years.

Exactly. Glad we agree 😁

Respectfully, most people aren't glued at the hip to their spouse, unless their father is keeping an eye.

And I don't see why you think your friends would have confided in you about their infidelities, given that you would clearly disapprove, and you say your social group would disapprove. Surely, filter or not filter, you'd be the last one they'd tell?

Just based on reading on here I'd say 50% of men at least.. both my daughters Dad's had an affair ( this was the 80s and 90s) before mobile phones .. two of my past relationships too.. ( I've never had one) been single for 16 years .. very happy..