How many people do you really think have had affairs?

[Funiculus]

I actually think the number is a lot higher than stats show because it’s a hard metric to baseline (most people won’t admit to it.) So for this analysis 🧐 I’m assuming an affair is not just emotional contact but physical of any kind. Just a quick google (out of pure morbid curiosity yields this;

Studies show that 20% to 40% of adults admit to having an affair at least once in their lives. However, because this relies on self-reported data, experts estimate the true rate of infidelity—including emotional affairs and one-night stands—could be closer to 40% to 50% across committed relationships.

However I posit that the true data is even higher. I would benchmark it as around 70% over the course of a long marriage - and this includes both sexes. Reason? Whilst societal views remain disapproving of extra-martial liaisons, the reality is most people (not all, most) are not engineered to be monogamous long term. Nature favours procreation over societal disapproval and we are hardwired to prioritise sex with suitable partners throughout our lives. This is why you often see the sexual trend of an older man running off with a younger woman. It’s primal programming in action.

Of course not everyone is a long term marriage has an affair, I’m not suggesting that. But I reckon a lot do. At different points in their marriages. I think it’s a sort of unspoken truth of the human condition that has been pushed underground by modern sensibilities and religious conformity.

I expect more than half of marriages. Based on the poor and low behaviours I’ve witnessed.

I worked in a very male dominated industry. Almost all of them (95%) were open in the office about their affairs. Many worked away in groups and would literally go out together looking for one night stands. It was very toxic but that was in the 90s and it seemed very common everywhere.

I also work in male dominated field and would agree with that stat @boobot1 - the ones who were faithful were definitely in the minority depressingly

More women than you think

@UndoRedo Totally agree. I think the stats I have proposed take into account women, as well as men. Women are considerably better at masking an affair as well

Well, I’m a woman and I was unfaithful several times in my twenty year marriage.

No one knows about this except the AP’s and I will take it to my grave.

Men seem to be much more open about it.

Yep marriage is not a natural concept for humans

Definitely a lot more than people realise especially when it comes to women.

I always say you never know what goes on behind closed doors and never judge what you don’t know

Who are you counting if one is married and the other AP is single? One (the married one) or both?

@Curlyreine Thanks for your honesty. Just to add to the discussion, I also think attitudes are changing and “softening” around people’s sexual behaviours. Polyamory is becoming more of a widespread practice - it recognises that not all people are built to be monogamous. Twenty, even ten years ago, it wasn’t really accepted as a lifestyle choice. And in my parents’ generation, you were expected to marry, and stay with your spouse, forsaking all others til death do you part. Lots of the older generation stuck out long and unhappy marriages I feel. But there are more widely accepted ways of being now. It’s not a one-size fits all approach

Oh I think I’m very naive about all this having never strayed! 22 years in with dh and never been remotely tempted. As far as I know neither has he but can you ever really know? Of course not. We each have enough money to live independently from each other, we have always said that if the other wants to leave the relationship just go, don’t waste life being unhappy or wanting to be with someone else.
Dunno, I’m happy with my lot and dh seems to be - although we do know a few couples where affairs have happened so I know it goes on, I’m not TOTALLY naive…

I don’t believe the stats are that high. Or perhaps my friends lead much more interesting lives than I realised!

But I think the world is full of serial adulterers!

the reality is most people (not all, most) are not engineered to be monogamous long term.

Citation needed.

Nature favours procreation over societal disapproval

Citation needed.

”I would posit [unsubstantiated claim]. Reason? [further unsubstantiated claims]”

To be fair, she isn't obliged to post evidence of the veracity of her own observations - and also, how could she? How could whether people are built to be monogamous or not, possibly ever be proven one way or the other?

Both sides of the argument could point to all kinds of "evidence" that they were correct. But in the end, it's like "proving" the non-existence of God. Impossible.

I suspect more people cheat than we imagine. I have certainly known people swear absolutely blind that they have never and would never do so, express deep moral outrage at others doing so, etc etc, when I know for a fact they have.

People like sex. Lots of people like sexual variety. Affairs provide this. And if someone is even moderately careful, it's really pretty easy to get away with cheating and never, ever be discovered. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that most people are only ever discovered because on some level they want to be.

Hence I suspect more people cheat than we might think. But obviously I can't prove this - how ever could I?

I've worked in places with colleagues who were 90%+ predominantly female, middle aged and above and married.

I can't think any of them would have been having affairs, certainly not by meeting people at work and unless they socialised in the evening etc which most rarely did.

However I guess it depends what is included in 'affair' i do think online and emotional affairs would push the figure higher.

I think too much emphasis is on affairs. I suspect the majority of infidelity, possibly more likely men, comes from via ONS and is probably never discovered

I work with mostly men. Always have done. From experience, it’s far, far more common than most on this site would like to believe. Not necessarily “affairs” but ONS where the wife is clueless? Rife. To the point where the ones who don’t are unusual.
I meet the wives at the annual staff party. They have zero idea what the man they are married to is doing. I hate that part of my job.

I’m inclined to agree. I also think people move towards and away from people on the basis of shared values.

So you might see a lot of cheating if you’re in that work culture, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect the wider population.

Doesn’t it? And MY values have nothing to do with it, it’s not something I would ever choose to do myself.
But DHs wider circle of friends? Not his close friends, but those he knows by acquaintance? So many are doing it or have done it or been caught in unfortunate circumstances. They don’t hide it either, that’s how I know.
And so many of my friends have experienced it. It is dreadful and cruel and awful. But also common.

I’m trying to understand my husband’s mindset while he had a long term affair.
He says he compartmentalised. I am really struggling to understand that.
How did you feel when you looked your husband in the eyes after returning from AP?
Did you ever feel guilty ?
What did you feel towards your husband during these times?
How do you feel about it now ?
Would you ever embark in another affair?
Why did you have the affairs yet stay with your husband ??

That’s what I mean - it’s not my dh’s close friends either but his wider acquaintances. His close friends, like him, duck out of stag parties and laddish events. They’ve drifted away from the others.

I’m not aware of any of my close friends cheating either. But I have wider acquaintances who have, and I tend to distance myself too.

I also really want to know the answer to these questions please @Curlyreine!

Most people are inherently selfish and care more about their own pleasure rather than thinking about how their actions may affect someone else, so I'd guess there are more who have than haven't, sadly.

i work in a largely female office, a few of the women have had affairs, one lady is currently getting divorced and is now living with her affair partner

all the statics point to higher levels of cheating in men overall- but with women’s levels increasing quickly with women under 30 now “outcheating” (if that’s a word ) men, I would imagine the rise in females is due to changing gender norms- changing attitudes to marriage etc etc - and as the cohort ages the levels of cheating will be equally across the genders

ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america

I think the massive change in technology means you don’t need to be at work to meet people and more.