Heartbroken and blindsided after 6 years

[Cradlemadle]

This a trauma dump. My partner of 5-6 years was planning to propose to me in Italy in a weeks time. Something we discussed, planned, and was excited about. That feeling came crashing down after he spent a night drinking with his female colleague and ignoring my messages. The next morning he told me does not want to get married to me, I pushed him into it, I can wear the ring but it wouldn’t mean anything, and that he still
wants to have children with me but minus the commitment of marriage.

I have been blindsided, we only recently bought a flat together and renovated the garden.

The last 6 months he has disrespected me repeatedly. He would go out 2-3 times every week, ignore my calls and lie about what time he is coming home. He alluded to the female colleague being a man; I only found out it was a female colleague after interrogation. He would stay out drinking with this woman till midnight on some occasions, whilst ignoring my calls and messages.

This behavior has caused so many problems in our relationship. I felt dismissed, disregarded, boundaries crossed and feelings not taken into account.

The morning he said marriage was not on the cards, he said this behavior was a by product of him being unhappy with me pushing him into marriage.

I am so heartbroken, a pain I’ve never felt before. He delivered this information robotically, coldly, speaking to me like I was a stranger - an expressionless face whilst I broke down in tears.

I would like to hear from people who have experienced a blindsided breakup. It’s been 30 hours and I’m running on an hours sleep. My nervous system is all over the place, and I need some guidance and coping mechanisms.

Thankyou in advance.

The grief you’re feeling is immense. Allow yourself to cry but please know that you will get through this. Just keep breathing through each day. I hope you have some support. And I hope he leaves the flat and you’re able to find a way to keep it.
stay strong. Keep your dignity. Love yourself enough to care for you - eat and sleep if you can xx

He is staying with his parents for a lot week then planning to come back. I don’t know what to do when he comes back. We went 50/50 on our home. I don’t think he would stay at his parents long-term.

Just go easy on yourself, don’t make yourself ill like I did.. I also regret sending paragraphs of messages, looking back I wish I had of just cut him off. It will hurt him more you not doing the ‘pick me’. One day you’ll wake up and things will feel a little lighter.

Please protect yourself from the utter horror of being under the same roof as him. I tried this blithely when I split up with my ex, and it drove me to the edge. It is all kinds of awful. Set the ball rolling on the house sale front - get a real estate agent, solicitor, whoever can help - and see if you can either persuade him to stay away or you stay with a friend. There are no kids to complicate the picture - just focus on getting through this will as little further emotional harm and damage as you can. I hope you protected yourself financially on the house purchase?

He was always this guy, he just did a very good job of hiding it. There never would have been a happy ever after with this guy because he was always this guy. Be thankful you didn’t marry this twat.

Cheating is always a choice of the person cheating, the only people selling the ‘being pushed into it’ narrative are the cheats who want to pretend that they are the victims.

This.

What a prick! You need to get legal advice urgently regarding the flat and where you stand.

Oh heavens no.

I know people like to talk about attachment styles a lot these days but so many people use this bs as an excuse for bad men being crappy. He’s not “an avoidant”. He’s an abusive piece of shit. Read up on how to spot abuse, that’ll serve you better than nonsense pseudoscience that was adapted from a study on toddlers.

I have a secure/avoidant attachment style (I enjoy a good for funzies online personality test) I don’t use avoidance parts I have as an excuse to treat people like shit. Because I’m a full grown adult capable of taking responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions.

He’s not “avoidant”, he’s just a rat bastard.

Might be worth getting to the estate agent and getting the ball rolling on the sale asap. Tbf they usually take a few weeks to get it on the market as they have to come out and measure it and take photos etc…but the sooner the better.

While he is away, go to an estate agent and book an evaluation. The sooner you get this flat gone, the better.
Do you have someone else to stay with?

This is correct. Don’t tead up on him anyway—the work you need to do is on yourself.

Read The Gift of Fear to strengthen your ability to trust your gut instinct. Read Why Does He Do That to learn what type of man he is so you will avoid being sucked in again by a plausible rogue.

As for the apartment get it on the market as soon as you can. Tell him it needs to be decluttered and kept clean for viewers. Try to get as much stuff out as you can straight away—his and yours.

good luck!

I see you posted about issues in your relationship last year. I think in the long term you have swerved making a big mistake getting married to this one

I know it now seems frowned upon to read previous threads but I did read a previous one and I think OP should reflect, too.
During a period abroad she felt lighter without this partner.
She returned to things she enjoyed which this man never shared with her.
She came home letting those interests go, almost condemned to unhappiness.
She longs for a man to share these interests with but it’s really important to know you can enjoy all of your interests without a man.
You don’t need a man to do so. Don’t wait around until one appears.
In fact, pursuing those interests solo means you could meet a kindred spirit along the way.
I think OP like so many of us had all of big dreams hitched to this man and that’s why she’s heartbroken. It’s not really about him - he’s an absolute nob.
OP if you read this, one day you will be glad this man left. Go and pursue your interests and passions.
The rest will happen when it’s mean to.
And anyone ‘laughing’ about an affair is vile.

After doing more digging. And perhaps not healthy, but I need full closure.

He started going out all the time, coming home at midnight on a Tuesday, Wednesday etc, ignoring my calls and messages, sleeping on the sofa, not inviting me to any events/ parties/ after work drinks. Or inviting me to see his friends. And then saying he doesn’t want to marry me the morning after he was with this woman.

Well, started behaving like this in September/ October. Which coincides with the month she joined his company last year.

I understand the need to dig. I did and I kept going and all that has happened was I dug a hole I couldn’t get out of.
He has been a shit first longer than this. Now he’s a cheat as well.
He has never been worthy of you or what you really wanted - I know you want to settle down and share your life with someone doing the things you love. He is not the man to do this with.
I felt old at your age and that I was running out of time. My two closest friends felt the same. One was left with a young baby in her arms by a cheat. We all had our own lives and careers and all managed to be around cheaters.
And now? All happily settled. The one with the baby got married and had three more. My other friend got married at 38 and after being told she could never have kids, had two.
We often discuss what would have happened had we stayed with the cheaters - a lifetime of misery for all of us.
I know you’ve had shitty partners, and thus one seemed a bit better, but isn’t.
You need a break. It will take time but you need to build up your own life and interests. You are a person without him, with your own life to lead.
You can keep digging or just know, he’s a cheat. That’s who he is.
You aren’t and you deserve better.

Your digging just confirms what an absolute bellend he is.

I know it's painful but surge forward and get things done like an estate agent in while and show him you're not just going to be OK with him just staying at the flat with you.

No man is better than any man, OP.