Heartbroken and blindsided after 6 years

[Cradlemadle]

This a trauma dump. My partner of 5-6 years was planning to propose to me in Italy in a weeks time. Something we discussed, planned, and was excited about. That feeling came crashing down after he spent a night drinking with his female colleague and ignoring my messages. The next morning he told me does not want to get married to me, I pushed him into it, I can wear the ring but it wouldn’t mean anything, and that he still
wants to have children with me but minus the commitment of marriage.

I have been blindsided, we only recently bought a flat together and renovated the garden.

The last 6 months he has disrespected me repeatedly. He would go out 2-3 times every week, ignore my calls and lie about what time he is coming home. He alluded to the female colleague being a man; I only found out it was a female colleague after interrogation. He would stay out drinking with this woman till midnight on some occasions, whilst ignoring my calls and messages.

This behavior has caused so many problems in our relationship. I felt dismissed, disregarded, boundaries crossed and feelings not taken into account.

The morning he said marriage was not on the cards, he said this behavior was a by product of him being unhappy with me pushing him into marriage.

I am so heartbroken, a pain I’ve never felt before. He delivered this information robotically, coldly, speaking to me like I was a stranger - an expressionless face whilst I broke down in tears.

I would like to hear from people who have experienced a blindsided breakup. It’s been 30 hours and I’m running on an hours sleep. My nervous system is all over the place, and I need some guidance and coping mechanisms.

Thankyou in advance.

You.deserve so much better than the way he's treating you! Has he broken up with you or just said no to marriage?

I think you need to make it clear it's over - he is not respecting you whatsoever and you're not gonna feel any better by staying and blaming yourself. Ironically, dumping him is the only thing I can see that would actually potentially convince him to start treating you right - so I think it's pretty clear you need to leave him

I ended the relationship after he told me marriage was no longer on the cards. And that I could wear the ring but it wouldn’t mean anything. Those words broke me.

What a piece of shit I'm sorry. I think you have to try and be practical and look at planning out what living arrangements look like. He should leave, ideally. Then think about how to split your flat.

I would put money on him already sleeping with her.
Sorry x

It will be shocking to you but you've had many hints that he wasn't on the same path as you. Yes it hurts but in the long run you will be much better without this knob.

Well he has had his head turned and is having an affair

I think he's having an affair @Cradlemadlethis behaviour doesn't come from nowhere . Good luck to you. l hope you can move on from him very quickly . Sell or keep the ring you might be glad of the money to buy him out .

Well done for having boundaries and standards. I'm sure this hurts right now, but it sounds like a merciful escape. You would not have been happy with this man long term. It isn't so much the marriage but the lack of consideration and disrespect.

He’s having an affair and like many spineless men he didn’t want to end it with you. So he’s said the most hurtful thing he could to make you end it so he can play the injured party. It happens quite often and I know how it feels.

Let him go and his AP will find out that he’s not the prince he thinks he is.

Focus on staying healthy and getting your things in order to live well without him. Try to minimise contact to what’s absolutely essential to sort out the flat etc. And stay busy, it helps.

I'm sorry he hasn't turned out to be the man you believed he was.

I also think he has been unfaithful but doesn't even have the decency to be honest with you. He's made it so you end the relationship. It's his actions that have caused that though.

Can you afford the flat on your own? If not is it big enough for you to keep it if you got a lodger?

Kick him out and start afresh. You deserve better.

It sounds like the commitment of buying a flat with you has made him realise he doesn’t want to commit to you (and he’s dense and shallow enough to think that having children together is less of a commitment than marriage, which tells you everything you need to know). Also sounds like he’s been having an affair.

Really sorry you’re in this position, OP. That is devastating. But thank God he’s done this before you had DCs. Good on you for ending it. You’re in the first stages of shock and devastation. Go easy on yourself. You will get through this but for now you just need to take things day by day, hour by hour even. Do you have support IRL - relatives or friends who can come and be with you?

I actually think he thought buying the flat would make you feel tied to him without him having to marry you. And the wanting kids but not marriage is just another example of how he wants you trapped without commitment.

Often abuse begins when they feel you are trapped.

Well done you for putting an end to this bs.
I hope you can get the flat sold asap and start over fresh without this complete arsehole draining the life out of you.

I hope he’s left the property but, be aware he may try to come back if his side piece opportunity falls through. Backtracking and acting like he never said what he said. But he did. Stay strong and keep him gone.
You should be proud you stood up for yourself.

He’s absolutely having an affair and is too gutless to actually be honest so has in effect made you be the one who dumps him so he can remain blameless . I’m sorry you’ve wasted so much time on a useless knobhead @Cradlemadle .

Am so sorry. It's over isn't it? He's either changed his mind or this woman means more. He's treated you awfully. I think you're worth much much more. As hard as it is, you've done the right thing to walk away. I bet he will regret this one day!

He's sleeping with the OW, she doesn't want to commit so he tried hanging onto you so you could be an incubator for his children.
Thank your lucky stars you found out who he really is before marriage and children.

You’re so well shot of him @Cradlemadle. Don’t give him a second thought.

I'm so sorry you are being put through this by a feckless male individual.
You have dodged a bullet and are far far better than him.
You have morals: He has none.
Better to find our now than after the marriage.
Is the flat in your name?

You are worth more than this: Place your bar higher to meet someone who, at the very least, equals your worth. Do not mourn this mutt of a dog. Hold your head high. Do not tread on this sh1t.

I can't imagine what he can be thinking.

He has clearly reached the end of your relationship but is spouting nonsense about still wanting to have children with you and for you to wear a "meaningless" ring.

Hold your head up high and send him off on his bike. So hard I know after so much invested in it for you in every way. I am sorry he has let you down so badly - better now than when you have a family.

Take care.

Good for you for refusing the crumbs from the table! Be proud if yourself!

Treat the next year as a reboot. You thought you were going on a trip to a honeymoon destination but your ship got diverted to a new and wonderful but unfamiliar country. You are walking off the ship with your assets and talents and you are going to find a new apartment, new friends, and a new wonderful life.

sell the apartment and start again. Or buy him out and repaint snd redecorate. The faster you move away from him the better.

Just an update everyone. I have just heard there was a rumor about him and the female colleague at his workplace. The rumor was apparently that they are having an affair. People were laughing and talking about it. Fucking heartbroken.

Not surprising given that he was lying about her (saying she was a man etc) He's a wrong 'un and you've clearly dodged a bullet.
Do you have some support IRL?

Of course he was having an affair OP. Drinking till midnight with another woman, pretending she was a man, ignoring your messages and treating you like shit. He said the most hurtful thing to force you to end it, so he didn't have to. My DH had an affair after 26 years of marriage and I rebuilt my life. You will move past this to better things.

I'm so sorry you've been badly hurt by this horrible man. You're clearly worth much more than someone who treats you disrespectfully and is having an affair. Do you have family and friends to lean on?

Give yourself time and kindness to get through this difficult time. What you're feeling is completely normal in the circumstances and it will pass in time and you will be happy again. There will be good days and bad days until one day you will wake up and find it doesn't hurt any more and life feels good again and full of opportunity. You will get there lovely 💐

It is so painful - but we do rise again. You will.

I’ve no doubt you are heartbroken op. Being betrayed by the one person you trusted the most is pain like I’ve never felt before or since. It’s utterly fucking awful.
BUT, you can’t be very old and I know with absolute certainty you will come to view this as a gift. He has shown you exactly who he is, before you married him. That is a lucky escape. I wish my first husband had done that!
He is a cunt. You will recover and move on. You will. Because he isn’t worth…you.