Heartbroken and blindsided after 6 years

[Cradlemadle]

This a trauma dump. My partner of 5-6 years was planning to propose to me in Italy in a weeks time. Something we discussed, planned, and was excited about. That feeling came crashing down after he spent a night drinking with his female colleague and ignoring my messages. The next morning he told me does not want to get married to me, I pushed him into it, I can wear the ring but it wouldn’t mean anything, and that he still
wants to have children with me but minus the commitment of marriage.

I have been blindsided, we only recently bought a flat together and renovated the garden.

The last 6 months he has disrespected me repeatedly. He would go out 2-3 times every week, ignore my calls and lie about what time he is coming home. He alluded to the female colleague being a man; I only found out it was a female colleague after interrogation. He would stay out drinking with this woman till midnight on some occasions, whilst ignoring my calls and messages.

This behavior has caused so many problems in our relationship. I felt dismissed, disregarded, boundaries crossed and feelings not taken into account.

The morning he said marriage was not on the cards, he said this behavior was a by product of him being unhappy with me pushing him into marriage.

I am so heartbroken, a pain I’ve never felt before. He delivered this information robotically, coldly, speaking to me like I was a stranger - an expressionless face whilst I broke down in tears.

I would like to hear from people who have experienced a blindsided breakup. It’s been 30 hours and I’m running on an hours sleep. My nervous system is all over the place, and I need some guidance and coping mechanisms.

Thankyou in advance.

This! 💯.

Tell him to fuck off. Then tell him to fuck off again. How lucky found out what a prince he is before getting married dnd having children. Your poor thing. You will recover and once you have, realise what a lucky escape you had.

Thank goodness you didn't marry him. Thank goodness. What an absolutely vile man

@Cradlemadle you have done absolutely the right thing.
It feels horrible now and these words won’t mean too much to you now, but believe me, whilst it doesn’t feel like it, you’ve dodged a bullet with this faithless man. Thank goodness you weren’t married or have children together.
Take great care of yourself and just deal with practical matters now. Don’t listen to a word he says, he’s having to rewrite history to avoid feeling guilty for moving in with you and planning an engagement, which he was perfectly happy with until he overstepped boundaries with this colleague.

Don’t engage in pointless conversations, just stick to what needs discussing and tell him you’re not interested in him or his stupid colleague of anything else to do with it any more, you just want him gone as soon as possible.

So sorry. Just seen your update.

You don't have to see his work colleagues so just move on slowly.

It hurts but will get easier slowly.

You need to.look into what to do about your flat too.

of course. I'm so sorry that you are going through this but better now than before you marry. He's an absolute knob jockey. How did you find out? (Not that it matters, of course).

You have had a lucky escape OP! Well done for ending it! It won’t feel like it now but give it a few weeks and you will start to feel better. My advice would be to block and delete as he will try to convince you to go back, don’t do it! You’ve done the hardest part.

And…..don’t let him crawl back when he gets bored or fed up with Janice from HR

I am never going back. Janice from HR was close… try X the Office Manager, almost too predictable. I’ve seen this movie.

I feel so much rage, hurt, betrayal. But it has given me the fight and courage to move on. I was bargaining and hating myself, thinking it was me and that I pushed him away. But that was never the case. The pain of this news is unbearable. But I’m going to get through this, I’m going to try my best too

OP I am so sorry, what an utter bellend. This is NOT on you, and I am glad you ended things. He has been really disrespectful to you, so be mindful of that when in few months, he gets back in contact after growing bored of the fling or whatever he likes to tell everyone, including you, what this is to him, because he will come crawling back to you with the sort of love bombing that will get your head spinning. The always do this, its a classic. So, grow the kind of self worth he gets blindsided over, know your own worth from this moment on and going forward so that men like him do not get to do this kind of thing to you ever again.

I hope you know this pain and shock will come to and end, just promise yourself this is it for you and not entertain him if he starts blaming you, and re write history for his own benefit, all orchestrated to safe his own face and ego, without a care for you, so please, please be super clear to him that you know your worth, even if he tries to make you believe otherwise.

I appreciate all these comments, they are giving me the strength to get through this

I’m so sorry OP.

one small silver lining is you know what sort of man he is before having kids (I didn’t)

Well done x

Sorry to hear this, he is not worth the heartache, don’t mourn what could have been as that’s just not him. You’ll be forever grateful you didn’t marry him.

He will be the laughingstock of his workplace when he finds out his partner dumped him and he has to sell his home. And chances are, office girl isn’t going to put him up so he will be dumped twice. What a tit.

Im sorry OP. I know its no consolation now but you have absolutely had a lucky escape. Youve found out what he is really like before you were tied to him by marriage and / or children. Put the flat on the market and start afresh with this vile man out of your life for good

I was hoping to sell the house and be amicable. But now I feel that I might need a mediator/ 3rd person to speak on behalf of me. I don’t think I can bring myself to seeing him again

I know you must feel very raw at the moment. Can you instruct an estate agent to get the ball rolling. I am presuming he has moved out? Its in his interests to be cooperative as he will want the property sold as much as you do.

It hasn’t come completely out of the blue.
It has clearly been building for a while with him, he’s had one foot out of the door.
Telling you to have kids with no marriage?
Still its a shock when it happens.
The only thing that heals is time.
At this acute stage care for yourself as best you can. Getting ill won’t help.
At least you know. At least you aren’t in a home, with a couple of young babies, trapped.

Ypu acknowledge he's been treating you badly for 6 months - why were you going to go ahead with an engagement??

“the last 6 months he’s repeatedly disrespected me”

why on earth would you want to be with someone like this? let alone plan to get married and have kids with him. You need to give your head a wobble!!’

you have had a VERY lucky escape

keep the ring and sell it and get the flat sold and move on from this low life

you deserve so much better than this.

Girl, you will get through this, I promise you that. You will cry, process stuff, overthink and question everything, grieve a life you thought you’d have, tears will turn to anger, then the tears will come again.. it will be a long process but you will come out the other side! You will come of this much much stronger whilst he will likely jump to the next woman and none of his shit will hit him for a few months.. then I bet your bottom dollar when you’re doing well he will reach out.

I hate the over use of ‘labelling’ people but he sounds like a massive avoidant, if you use TikTok search or instagram search up Sabrina Zohar and Taleen I bet you’ll watch their videos and go ‘wow that was me’

If the affair thing is true, the trash took itself out. I’ve no time for women who meddle with men who they know are in relationships or married.. how nice for her if they get together already knowing he’s a compulsive liar, fabulous foundations to start on!

People are dicks.

sending you love x

Unfortunately op, he is one of the many, many men, who have literally one functioning braincell and it resides in his cock.
Give it a year, 18 months? And you will look back and gag about this dickweed. You will learn and you will move on. Him? He’ll always be a dickweed.

I will absolutely read into avoidant personality styles a bit more, it will help fill the blanks.

I stayed with him, stupidly, because he promised he would change and I loved him. I also have terrible self esteem and a track record of nasty partners. Despite him being horrible, I’ve had worse partners, and I think I normalized his behavior “at least his not as bad as the one before” kind of attitude.

I have a lot of self work and self love to do. I just can’t allow someone to make me feel this low ever again. I know don’t deserve it. My issues with fear of abandonment and lack of self esteem made it hard for me to walk away.

Please don't put yourself through anything you don't need to - yes, find alternates to speak to him on your behalf. But, know that this intense rage and sadness you feel will pass. He will in the longer scheme of things be a footnote in your story. Don't give him the power to be anything else. Stay strong. Sending positive and healing vibes your way.