Am I overreacting to my husband lying about a drink with his brother

[Giancomo33]

My husband arranged for a drink with his brother on his way home from work. He didn't mention it to me. When he came home, he still didn't mention it. He just said traffic was bad.Then I was told about it by a mutual friend who'd also been in the pub. It is a local pub, we go to a lot, so it was likely to come out. I then discovered my husband had asked them not to tell me as I'd be upset that he'd gone out without me.
The trouble is, that is what upset me. The deliberate lies and asking our friends to lie too.
I feel humiliated and let down. I feel he's trying to paint me as a bad person. I don't know why, but I no longer feel I can trust him.
When I told him this, he said I was lucky that's all he did and is otherwise a good husband.
This isn't the first time he's lied. He constantly lies that he doesn't smoke, when I know he does and he tries to get other people to also cover for him.
My question is, am I being unreasonable by being upset by this behaviour?
He says i'm overreacting. I feel very hurt and let down.
Our relationship is mostly good, but this sort of thing makes me distrust him.
Has anyone else had this sort of thing? Any advice on how to deal with it? Why does he feel the need for secrets? Even trivial ones like this.

Lies would certainly upset me. But, he seems to be lying about things that shouldn't upset any reasonable partner. Would you have been upset if he stopped to have drink with his brother? And, how does that upset manifest?

Of course you can't trust him: he is a liar and by definition liars can't be trusted.

And he is disloyal talking to other people about you and your relationship in that way. If these are friends of both of you it puts them in an impossible position actually.

Well, is he right? Do you get upset about him doing things on his own?

I’m not sure it’s as easy as “lying is bad”, obviously it is but in any healthy relationship a drink with his brother would be no big deal to communicate. If you WOULD have caused a drama and been upset about it, then he may feel he has to hide it.

To me the fact he felt such a need to lie must mean your reaction to it would be disproportionate.
Same with smoking.

Why can't he go for a drink with his brother? And smoking isn't good but it's not mind altering or illegal and it's his body.

He’s lying which is problematic but it seems like he is lying because he can’t be bothered with the result if he were to tell the truth.

It creates a cycle where you become more inquisitive/paranoid and he lies more because he feels nagged/controlled/questioned and so on.

Why does he need to lie about smoking? Why does he need to lie about meeting his brother for a drink? What happens if he tells the truth?

I then discovered my husband had asked them not to tell me as I'd be upset that he'd gone out without me.
The trouble is, that is what upset me.

Sorry OP but that’s really, really odd. And controlling. He should be able to have a drink and a catch up with his brother without you. I suspect it’s your reaction making him feel like he has to lie.

No, he goes out with work colleagues and there is never a problem from me. It isn't the going out, its the lies.
But equally, the pub is about 15 minutes from home, he could have said, I'm popping to the pub, do you want to come.? I probably wouldn't have gone, but thats not the point. Or he could have said he'd popped out when he got home.
I think I'm just more invested in the relationship as I would have asked him to join had the situation been reversed. We go out together as a group quite a lot.
Then he compounded it by asking our friends to lie, which they didn't and told me.
At the moment I'm genuinely questioning if we are that compatible.
I think he just likes secrets for some reason and I'm very honest with him.
I know it sounds trivial to people but I think its a drip effect. There have been other occasions over the years. I just feel really sad.

Why would he have had to invite you? Is it not ok for him to go out just with his brother?

It seems he is avoiding telling you things because of how you would react?

No, he goes out with work friends and its fine. Hes gone out without me with his brother a fair amount too. No problems from me. He knows that lying is the worst thing to me. I think he does it to feel some sort of control and freedom, I guess? Its weird. But he crossed a line asking our friends to lie too. I find that unforgivable. Luckily, they told me. How many other times has he done this? Why does he lie? I just think its a character flaw that I've tried to ignore. I'm not sure if I can anymore.

I think there's two things going on

The constant lies would get to me. If he can lie about the pub, what else could he be lying about?

But there's also him feeling the need to. You say you wouldn't have minded him going BUT he could have just invited you and you would have invited him etc which suggests you would have minded. It doesn't have to be screaming an dabs, even low level grumbling about how you'd never go without him and he could have asked and etc etc can start to wear someone down, so are you inclined to be a bit passive aggressive over this stuff? And the smoking? Comments about the cost, his health, the smell, comments about how disgusting other people are for smoking etc. It's worth just being honest with yourself.

If you genuinely never do this, then perhaps he does feel that keeping these petty secrets gives him some edge or power or joy etc. That would be a red flag for me.

I find it interesting that so many responses are basically blaming me. He goes out without me a fair amount with no problems from me.
He works away, he's gone out with mutual friends without me. I've offered to stay home, as we have 2 dogs, so he could go out with his brother and friends on his 50th. I'm not an ogre, he just seems to want me to be one.

So many problems. He's a liar who can look you in the face and continue to lie. He tells other people you're a problem and they should lie to you to back him up. He doesn't want to spend much time with you. (That bit would suit me - the less time I spent with him the better.)

I assume you're married as you call him your husband (though some do on here who aren't married). Do you have children together? Do you get on really well?

What's the worst thing he's lied about?

But why not on that occasion? You didn't have plans and it was only a quick drink?

I'm not blaming you fully but those type of lies come for fear of the consequences of the truth.

I think it’s interesting that people are automatically blaming you and assuming that you must be controlling, so the poor lamb has no choice but to lie. My suspicion is that that’s the point, for him - he needs to cast you as the disapproving mother and himself as “getting away with it”. It’s a toxic dynamic and I wouldn’t be prepared to live with it. He is an adult and is responsible for his actions, and lying to your partner is wrong, regardless of whatever dysfunctional crap is going on in his head.

Yes, i would have asked him and it would have been nice if he felt he could ask me too. I think that's just basic thoughtfulness and consideration. Not me trying to control him. He goes out without lying other times. I really don't know where its come from. I dont know what else he lies about. The smoking was obvious due to smell etc. When I asked him about lying about smoking, he said he didn't want to tell me as he'd smoke more if I knew and he didn't have to hide it.
I've told him he can smoke if he wants to. Its nothing to do with me. But he chooses to pretend he doesn't to me.

So he told you that you were lucky all he did was go for a drink!? wtf is that meant to mean?
sounds like you have more issues than just him feeling he can’t go to the pub without you being upset and if that’s not the case from your point of view I’d be questioning why he’s telling people to not say anything to you given the above comment he made to you.

Sorry OP - I feel the lying would be a dealbreaker for me.

I've got an acquaintance who lies to his partner (and friends) all the time in a similar way - he lies about little things that don't need to be lied about.

It means he's a person who can't be trusted - by friends and partners.

I think it's worth talking to him about the lying and detailing why it's upset you - the humiliation, the lack of trust and lack of feeling like you're a partnership - and taking it from there.

It isn't the fact that he does those things that is upsetting the OP.

The lying is the problem.

I think its the hardest thing for me, asking people to lie and painting me in a bad light. It is toxic but its not all the time. Well, the smoking one is. I don't know if there's more he's not telling me. That's also hard.

The only reason he lied was because of your response

you gave the scenario of him telling you and you slotted an invite for yourself which was quite telling

it’s not as though he was doing anything unto ward but lied to get a pass out

I understand that. If she genuinely wouldn't mind if he went for a drink with his brother then he's got no need to lie.

I'd be cross about him lying but it wouldn't bother me that he'd gone for a drink with his brother. Maybe he didn't tell you because he felt you'd ask to come along and he just wanted a catch up with his brother? It sounds like he's telling lies because he wants to avoid a confrontation or you being upset with him, about the smoking too. It's not a great character trait to lie to avoid having you disapprove of him. Unless your reaction is extreme, I don't understand why he feels the need to lie.

But equally, the pub is about 15 minutes from home, he could have said, I'm popping to the pub, do you want to come.? I probably wouldn't have gone, but thats not the point.

So he's right then, if he doesn't invite you, you get upset?

He wanted a drink with his brother, not his wife and his brother.

He shouldn't have to feel the need to lie to keep the peace.

i agree with end of year.

Op means the lying is what’s upset her not the going for a drink. She says it in the next sentence.

The lying would absolutely be a line for me, if he lies this easily and readily over trivial things he doesn’t need to lie about then how can you ever trust him about anything? The smoking thing is ridiculous, he’s basically saying he has to lie to OP as he’s got no self control and can’t take accountability for his own actions.