Am I overreacting to my husband lying about a drink with his brother

[Giancomo33]

My husband arranged for a drink with his brother on his way home from work. He didn't mention it to me. When he came home, he still didn't mention it. He just said traffic was bad.Then I was told about it by a mutual friend who'd also been in the pub. It is a local pub, we go to a lot, so it was likely to come out. I then discovered my husband had asked them not to tell me as I'd be upset that he'd gone out without me.
The trouble is, that is what upset me. The deliberate lies and asking our friends to lie too.
I feel humiliated and let down. I feel he's trying to paint me as a bad person. I don't know why, but I no longer feel I can trust him.
When I told him this, he said I was lucky that's all he did and is otherwise a good husband.
This isn't the first time he's lied. He constantly lies that he doesn't smoke, when I know he does and he tries to get other people to also cover for him.
My question is, am I being unreasonable by being upset by this behaviour?
He says i'm overreacting. I feel very hurt and let down.
Our relationship is mostly good, but this sort of thing makes me distrust him.
Has anyone else had this sort of thing? Any advice on how to deal with it? Why does he feel the need for secrets? Even trivial ones like this.

I also find it odd that everyone is blaming you.
In my experience a liar is a liar.
I went out with a liar. I had never given him reason to lie- apart from he did things he knew I would disapprove of. So he lied.
I am now with someone honest. He doesn't lie and I don't lie. Sometimes he does things I don't like but I don't the roof. It's life. We aren't all always going to agree. But dishonesty is not the way to deal with it.

This is obviously not the first time it’s happened. If you’ve made a huge deal of something minor before (such as expecting him to invite you when he doesn’t have to) then of course he’s going to be reluctant and know it’ll cause tensions. He’s probably wanting to avoid an interrogation or an argument.

I’d suggest you look at your behaviour first. You seem quite controlling and very attached to him.
He shouldn’t have to ask permission or ask you to join him. What do you do socially? Do you go out without him and if not you probably should.

OP my husband is a bit like this. It’s learnt in childhood. They lie to hope to get away with stuff. It’s easier for them to let lies fall out of their mouth rather than risk the consequences ;even time minor ones eg wife says oh not again! Or can I come next time etc? Your reaction doesn’t have to be huge as people have said to make this person a liar. They are a chronic liar it’s a learnt behaviour now part of their personality

I think this is quite telling:

“But equally, the pub is about 15 minutes from home, he could have said, I'm popping to the pub, do you want to come.? I probably wouldn't have gone, but thats not the point”

Maybe he just wanted to meet his brother on his own? The lying is obviously bad but I do wonder what has led to it all. It seems like a lot of effort to conceal an innocent drink with a family member for no reason.

He doesn't have to invite me, you've pretty much missed most of the things I've said and focused on that. I would have at least told him, if not invited him. That's the point. I keep saying he's gone out lots of times without me. I've not had a problem with that. I'm confused as to why he's lied about this. I think he just likes to lie. For no reason other than he enjoys it. I was hoping people might have an insight or experience in this sort of thing, but so many people seem to just assume I'm in the wrong and he's some poor downtrodden bloke. That's not the case.

That's what I thought too. It was " just be grateful thats all I do" weird.

I'm closely related to 2 compulsive liars OP. It's just what they do, they are programmed to lie, even when it doesn't matter.

They've both had disfunctional lives/relationships because of it.

That's a good point actually, he's had a weird toxic relationship with his Mum. She actually is quite controlling and he's fallen out with her at times. He doesn't even like his brother and finds him irritating, he's told me many times. but obviously, that's his family and he can both love and dislike them at the same time. Its just a bit bizarre that he decided to try and hide it from me. I think he just likes the " thrill" of doing something secretly.

No, people don’t just lie because of fear of consequence. Some people just like to lie

Sorry OP, cant read it without paragraphs..

But thankful I'm divorced.

Sorry if that's not helpful..

And if he had said he was going to the pub and did not invite you? Would you then take offence at not being invited? I think we all know someone who can find a fight in any situation and this feels like one to me. What is underlying? Men and women control in different ways, which is not saying that is happening, but does make me wonder if he feels he is in the dog house whatever he does and why he might?

Please ignore the people blaming you for your husband's behavior @Giancomo33 . I've found that most people automatically interpret situations from their own experience, so for them the only reason to lie about something innocuous is because the person being lied to is controlling or would overreact and cause a scene. But this is exactly why this behavior is so manipulative. It's classic DARVO: I'm lying to you because you'll get mad at me. Then when you are hurt by the deceptive behavior they can turn around and say: See! I was right to lie because you always get so upset! And they continue to pretend you're angry about the innocent thing they did and not the lying about it, and it makes you feel totally confused because they're lying about such pointless things. He's putting you in the role of the persecutor in the victim triangle, so that he can play the victim for your friends. It's a no-win situation for you.

Some people do just lie for no obvious reason. I've known a man who'd tell you he has a cheese sandwich for lunch when it was really tuna, just so he could keep the truth from you. Life's too short to deal with these men.

He could be lying as a way to avoid the intimacy of being fully connected to you. Does he also deflect conversations about his hopes, fears, dreams etc? Because of he is doing that too then you're flogging a dead horse.

Yes, and people who don't go along with the "white" lies often end up in arguments, so people see this and just avoid. With my ex, I never lied, but I knew if I did certain things, I'd get interrogated (Why are you going there? Why are you wearing that? Why can't I come?) so I just didn't tell him what I was doing, and eventually I called things off.
Obviously I am not saying you ask these things, OP.

It sounds like you’re a surrogate mother-figure to him and he’s punishing her by proxy through you. Sounds like a complete twat. It’s not easy to walk away from a marriage but he sounds awful, and worse than his treatment of you is involving your mutual friends in his fantasies. It’s good they told you but he obv doesn’t care what they think about you to how either of you look. You don’t need to necessarily involve other ppl but have you told them it’s all in his head and you aren’t the least bothered about smoking/drinking, just the lying?

Oh and the next time he says you’re lucky that’s all he does, say “same here”. I bet the next thing he’d say was “what’s that supposed to mean?” and cue false accusations and insecurity from him.

You don’t want to get into a tit for tat situation with lies yourself but he sounds juvenile and that’s maybe all he’d understand. I don’t think he’ll change, and the fact you’ve said he enjoys the thrill of deceiving you and lying to your face etc means wouldn’t trust him to stay faithful, not gamble, take illegal substances and any other nefarious activity. He sounds awful, sorry you’re in a relationship with him, you would probably be a lot happier and have considerably more prace of mind not being.

He sounds very immature and it’s annoying when people paint you as unreasonable in other people’s eyes when you haven’t been / generally aren’t.
Or/ Maybe he knows you would have wanted to be asked and he just wanted drinks with his brother. But immature how he handled it

equally be careful you don’t over blow this, which it sounds like you ar at risk of doing

I don’t know, he said you would be upset about not being invited and it’s true because you questioned why you hadn’t been invited and you would have turned it down anyway, that wouldn’t even occur to me unless I actually wanted to go. Yes it’s totally normal to go to work drinks etc without your spouse, I would hate to trail along after DH at a work thing so I’m not doing him a favour by “letting” him go by himself.

You said he asked your mutual friends to lie about the meetup, by mutual friends do you mean his brother?

I’d be furious of DH lied to me abut anything tbh but equally I wouldn’t expect to tag along to everything or be invited to everything he does.

I ended a 2 year relationship over lying. It was over the most trivial things as well. There was never any need. His friend tried to explain it to me once saying it was his low self esteem.

I never understood it. The trouble was once a lie has been told, even if you let it slide then you're always looking out for the next one which not only makes you feel paranoid, but should you dare question something then it's turned around as see? This is why I lied! Errr... No need... But it's very hard to come back from.

The last straw came when he lied about going out cycling with a mutual friend (we didn't live together or anything so it had no baring on anything) anyway this friend had both of us on FB and at the time they were supposed to be together - friend checked in to somewhere in Germany! I let him carry on with his lying drivel for a little while then brought it up. I'd had enough by then, questioning everything he said and my own sanity! It was all very bizarre but I couldn't live like that. It just constantly erodes any trust, especially when there's no need for it.

I suspect he likes to take control of a situation by lying; it's a way for him to avoid responsibility for his actions. Probably, the lying has been used as a coping mechanism. He thinks it's harmless but the person on the receiving end (you) ends up feeling conned.

Also you mention his mother is controlling. He is painting you in the same light because this is a habit from childhood to moan about controlling women.

His lying is bad but the image he is painting of you is worse. I would be very wary about what he is actually saying about you. Are they true or are they lies?

I don't know why, but I no longer feel I can trust him.

Perhaps you don't trust him because he "constantly lies", and apparently conspires with other people to lie to you on his behalf by saying or implying that you overreact ridiculously to everything and therefore must be shielded from the truth for HIS protection?

Even if you DID get upset when he stops at the pub on the way home from work, or if you WOULD have a go if you knew he'd had a couple of puffs, a normal person would TALK to you about these things rather than talking to everyone BUT you about them. Has he ever said "Sometimes I want to go to the pub after work with my coworkers, sometimes I want to meet up with my brother just the two of us, but I feel like you're oversensitive if I ever go to the pub without you - can we talk about that?" Has he ever said "Look, I smoke - I know you don't smoke and don't like it, but I really enjoy it and I'm not going to quit"?

If you're pretty sure he doesn't even really think you'd be angry about these things the whole thing is even weirder, but either way it's deceitful and disrespectful. Let's say he genuinely believes what he's telling other people about you. He's still wrong to lie to you rather than trusting you to have a difficult but fair discussion and trying to understand each other's opposite viewpoints and brainstorm a solution. And he's trivialising it, saying he could do so much worse ... who knows what he means by that? Probably not even him - he's using it to totally avoid the issue. Why?

I’ve met men who have a particular view of relationships between men and women, they never view them as equal they always have to present a idea to others that the wife is ‘a nag’ even when the woman is perfectly fine with them being out without them. I think they use it as a way to bond with other men plus as an excuse to do/ not do things eg can’t stay for another drink, the wife will kill me. I assume that they grew up with a particular way of seeing women, with very rigid gender roles. This may not apply in your case though!

This takes me back .. my first husband lied. Particularly about smoking. He also took money from my purse and lied about it. Back in the day when shops shut evenings and weekends he’d use the last of the bread and milk and deny it.

it was very much at the level of a little kid saying “it wasn’t me”. It upset me very much but I thought it was just how he was and wouldn’t lie about anything important.

then one day I was going for a wander round the shops, met a friend on the way and went for a drink instead. When I got home he was furious and accused me of lying, saying I had no intention of going to the shops.

Made me realise that he did know what he was doing, his lying was about keeping me uneasy. I always felt bad, bad if he was lying or bad if he wasn’t and I was doubting him.

“I suspect he likes to take control of a situation by lying; it's a way for him to avoid responsibility for his actions”

This is what my ex-husband used to do. He lied when he knew he was in the wrong and then tried to make it my fault. Only one of the many reasons why he is now my ex.

OP I don’t know why so many people on this thread are blaming you, it’s mad!

He's built up a story in his head that you're like his Mum and he lives his life through this belief.

Try couples counselling.

If that doesn't work, divorce him

Thanks everyone for your input. This is the first time I've done this sort of thing. I appreciate you spending time to reply.
There's many, many things he says and does that is not great, but I guess that's up to me to decide if I want to put up with it.
We've been together over 30 years. I just wanted unbiased input about whether his lying is something to worry about. After listening to your viewpoints and doing some thinking, I think we've unwittingly slipped into a mother/ child relationship. I do all the " management " things, mortgages, wills, shopping, day to day stuff etc. He just turns up. So maybe i've become a person of authority in his mind? Who knows.

Anyway, thanks again 🙂