Should I tell on a cheating spouse?

[NessaVanessa]

Went out Friday night with some friends to a club in London. I have a friend called J - Not childhood friend, but we are friendly enough, we know each other as our DC are going to the same school. J has a spouse - M - who I saw in the same club with a small group, don't know if it's friends or coworkers, doesn't matter. M did not see me. Most of their group left after a drink but I did see long, handsy snogging between M and the only other person that stayed. At one point I thought they left because they disappeared but then walked back from where the toilets are. Ew. I am not saying something happened in there, but I wouldn't be surprised either.
I know J loves M and it would be heartbreaking to learn. They have two kids, I thought they are super in love. So I don't know what to do.
Should I tell J what I've seen M doing? I took a few blurry videos from a distance. You can imagine it's not great quality, but I think M is recognisable if you are familiar.
What would you do?
(edit: Name changed)

My friend found out by accident many years ago when his wife went to the toilet and left her phone on the table and a message came through. He went and told the wife of the man she was cheating with and turns out she had been suspicious but husband was making her out to be crazy and even sent her to a therapist! I don’t know how I would feel if a random man came to tell me my husband was cheating but I do know that I’d rather know than live years of a lie. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy.

Yes , thank you. It was a long time ago.

So you saw something, made the decision to take videos of it, and for what? To prove that you are right?
this is a massive problem with society today. People recording stuff all over the place. These people are responsible for their own relationships. Stay out of it

Not for my amusement. In case the cheater tries to lie.

That is where I am too. Yes it is a bit strange to have someone tell you this, but I think it comes first to not live someone's lie

People recording things left and right is a problem. Because everyone lives through apps and videos. It is sickening and sad. But it is an even bigger problem when there are groups of people recording things when someone needs help, someone is in trouble. And they all think it is more important to record these. Now that is the real tragedy.
Here, OP did no such thing. She recorded something that can prove that an innocent person is being tricked, cheated on, lied to. It has a purpose, not blasting it on social media for a few clicks.

You know what the problem with society is today? When people refuse to help when they could, out of convenience, lack of empathy, etc. So when people see you being hurt by your spouse in public, everyone should just walk past, following your logic, they should stay out of it, it is your relationship, after all. Right?

this! yes!

If I have read your post correctly J and M ere in the same club but not together. You saw M but J didn’t?

Not at all. Sorry, don't mean to be rude, but you didn't seem to get any of the details right.
M and J are married. J is my friend. When I was out in a club on Friday, I saw M with another person, snogging, going to the bathroom.

Beyond meeting up for school coffees… how close is your friendship? Do you have their number?

yes

and beyond coffee school meet ups?

have you decided how you’re going to tell him yet?

Stay out of it, it’s too messy. The messenger is always shot & many times a partner prefers to look the other way.

we meet up sometimes, a few of the parents about every 3 months or so.

That, or it's up to him to decide what to do with that knowledge. It is wild to assume that many people would choose to ignore it and look the other way.

Ok so a very “lite” friendship if meet up once a quarter. Have you decided how you’re going to broach with him?

I would want to know if it was me but these things have a tendancy to backfire on the person delivering the news. Can you set up a fake social media profile and send them the videos via private message maybe?

Don't you need an email address for that?

No not yet

I was about to say I would most certainly tell as I would want to know.
But this gave me pause.
I think I judge people based on myself and violence and anger are not in my nature at all.

I think I would still tell J though and leave it for her to decide how to handle it and let her know i'm here for support if needed. I've been called to a friend and also my sisters houses when they were leaving their partner to be the safety net incase the partner turned violent. So I should have more of a clue. But I just find it hard to imagine A not knowing and B anyone being violent.

On a side note. I did find out that a friend of mine and my wifes. A person she works with. He knew about my wifes affair for almost a year and did not tell me on any of the occasions we met up or when I helped him with some of his house build. During that time he was actively invested in the affair. I saw messages where he was asking her how her date with X went. Or advising she change his name in her phone after a message almost popped up on a household device.
Him I am not happy with and have activly avoided any situation where he may be as I dont think I can pretend to talk to him or even be civil. He has no idea I know he knew.

Stay out of it and keep quiet. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

These are tricky situations and you can never know if what you are doing is right for the other person. I would do what I would want from someone else in this situation if being cheated on, and that is to be told. But not anonymously, that is awful as they will go around not knowing who knows.

I wasn’t going to comment but I started thinking back to my previous life with my husband. I mean probably I wouldn’t have been out in the first place ha but had he found I’d done something like this it would have been a dangerous time for me then and continued forever with even less freedom - horrific, I’d have wanted to die and been so scared. I never cheated despite a friend telling me to find someone else and leave! I don’t cheat but equally I’d have been petrified to risk it - I was scared of being seen saying hello to a guy.

I’m not saying this guy is abusive, but you can’t know that - perhaps she was taking too much advantage of a rare freedom or perhaps those are her nights out regularly- thing is you can’t know.

I disagree with cheating from either sex, and personally I would always want to know - however, and I hate to say this, there may be reasons you can’t mention it to him.

Maybe you can find out a bit more about their ways first if you’re conflicted at all or speak to a friend of hers?

Difficult one - I wouldn’t want to have to make this call. Hope you resolve your peace with it.

Yes she is your friend and has a right to know. He is putting her and her children health, family at risk. Would she tell you ? And would you want to know. I suggest most wife’s would want to know their partner is cheating on them, then leave it up to her and him to decide but yes she has a right to know & as a “friend “ you should say something

All of you who didn't check all the posts - the wife is the cheater, and the husband is the friend.