Should I tell on a cheating spouse?

[NessaVanessa]

Went out Friday night with some friends to a club in London. I have a friend called J - Not childhood friend, but we are friendly enough, we know each other as our DC are going to the same school. J has a spouse - M - who I saw in the same club with a small group, don't know if it's friends or coworkers, doesn't matter. M did not see me. Most of their group left after a drink but I did see long, handsy snogging between M and the only other person that stayed. At one point I thought they left because they disappeared but then walked back from where the toilets are. Ew. I am not saying something happened in there, but I wouldn't be surprised either.
I know J loves M and it would be heartbreaking to learn. They have two kids, I thought they are super in love. So I don't know what to do.
Should I tell J what I've seen M doing? I took a few blurry videos from a distance. You can imagine it's not great quality, but I think M is recognisable if you are familiar.
What would you do?
(edit: Name changed)

Talk to a close friend of J. Given you are not close to her at all

I would tell him that you saw him

I don't know who her close friends are. Some of us are friendly through our DC's school, and we sometimes have coffee.

Were you out with J?

No?

its tricky. It really does depend on your relationship with J I would say.

Whatever you do… do not discuss this with anyone in RL who knows J and M unless a very close friend of J

Honestly, the truth is the truth, no matter who delivers it. If my wife was cheating on me, it really doesn't matter if I get the news by someone who is a close friend or someone who is just friendly. It wouldn't change the fact that I got cheated on and I would want to know either way.

I’d try to let her know anonymously. You’ll be shot as the messenger on this one.

@NessaVanessa
I would tell J. I am a firm believer that everyone has a right to know who they married. We all have one life, it is too precious to live a lie, and spend our best years being deceived and cheated on by someone we trust. It is a no-brainer to me. Especially if you have those videos, too - for credibility.

For example if I saw your wife doing this - not a chance I’d tell you. Why? Because I have no idea who you’d react. Behind closed doors you could be violent and abusive

How would you feel if it was the other way round? Would you want J to tell you? How would you feel if it layered all came out and you found out that J had known for however long? I think I would have to somehow let J know.

Later all came out *

Up to you. You have every right to assume that. Odd to assume that extreme reaction, but you have every right to.

What happens if you the person you tell, who you are not at all close with, is actually abusive and violent. And you telling them this results in an attack?

Odd to assume that a man, who I barely know, finding out his wife is cheating on may get violent?

Why do so many people think that the messenger will be shot? Do you know who shoots messengers? Dictators and medieval warlords who are far removed from reality and people are their disposable tools... We live in a modern society, I want to believe most people have more intelligence than to lash out to the nearest living being if they get bad news.... I don't know, I am not the most optimistic person, but this way of thinking always puzzled me.

Goodness…. What a response

I don’t know you and so I couldn’t have possibly have guessed you’d have thrown in medieval war lords in to the thread!

And no one has indicated the “messenger would get shot”. Can you point to such a post?

YES! A 100%. Because I am not a mindless animal who just lashes out at anything or anyone near for hearing bad news. If this is normal to you, I am sorry that the men around you behave this way.

Why is this always suggested? What is he going to do, hold his hands, say "you caught me" and tell his wife? Of course not, he'll spin some lies to his wife about OP being a liar/crazy/ came in to him so is annoyed he rejected her/a n other bullshit story so his wife is still in the dark.

You really should tell her, she deserves to know

Literally above. Response number 9.
And I am also saying this because when I asked for people's opinion on telling news to someone, a LOT of people said the same thing. That I should stay out of it, because the messenger is shot.

I don’t know you

you are hardly likely to say “yes I would react violently to this news”, are you? 😆

I would find a way to tell J and send the video anonymously

So one post
not “so many people”