Should I tell on a cheating spouse?

[NessaVanessa]

Went out Friday night with some friends to a club in London. I have a friend called J - Not childhood friend, but we are friendly enough, we know each other as our DC are going to the same school. J has a spouse - M - who I saw in the same club with a small group, don't know if it's friends or coworkers, doesn't matter. M did not see me. Most of their group left after a drink but I did see long, handsy snogging between M and the only other person that stayed. At one point I thought they left because they disappeared but then walked back from where the toilets are. Ew. I am not saying something happened in there, but I wouldn't be surprised either.
I know J loves M and it would be heartbreaking to learn. They have two kids, I thought they are super in love. So I don't know what to do.
Should I tell J what I've seen M doing? I took a few blurry videos from a distance. You can imagine it's not great quality, but I think M is recognisable if you are familiar.
What would you do?
(edit: Name changed)

Yes you should tell her.

What she does with the information is up to her.

It's bad enough being cheated on without people who are supposed to be your friends colluding with the low life cheat by covering up for him.

Flawed logic. If you are in a situation where you know I have a wife, you seen her cheat on me, it is safe to assume you know me enough to at least assume that I am civilised enough. And in this hypothetical situation you have the opportunity to talk to me, whatever the place is... So even if you don't know everything there is to know about me, you know enough to at least assume that I am not a monster who is running around ripping people up when the sun gets blocked by some clouds... Also, I am sorry, being careful is one thing, but to straight go to the assumption of the other person going violent and hurting you over something that has nothing to do with you is absolutely not great. Whatever you experienced, I am sorry.

That is what I keep thinking. I would want to know, too!

yeah that is a bit much. I know there are violent people out there, but why would anyone start flailing at the person who did nothing? That is crazy.

Uh...yeah. very!

How?

Ok so how are you going to tell her?

The thought of anyone else touching my wife, man or woman, does not excite me, it makes me feel frustrated and upset,

I have no idea what your “frustrated and upset” looks like behind closed doors.

Look around other threads about the same topic, if you don't believe me. Or don't. I don't need to convince you.

I have been on both sides of this coin. Ex had an affair (although don’t think anyone knew) & I worked it out. I worked with a man who was cheating on his wife but didn’t tell the wife as I had no way to contact her & didn’t want to blow up her life. I also wasn’t sure if telling would have negative consequences for me. I had proof of poor behaviour but not actual cheating.

I think it’s a really hard decision to make. Rightly or wrongly I think the age of their children & if she has an independent income would make a difference to me. I’m not saying someone who doesn’t work has less right to know but they are in a more vulnerable position & maybe they’d rather not know.

if you suspect she is unhappy in her marriage, which I don’t get from the OP, then I would definitely tell her.

I wonder if you could bring screenshots from the videos and post to her. Maybe that’s worse than showing her them though. I think it would be easier if you were closer friends.

I really don’t know if I’d have liked to be told about my ex as ignorance can be bliss. But in a lot of ways that’s not right as I suspect men that cheat aren’t respectful of their partners and living with them probably isn’t easy. It certainly wasn’t for me.

And I don't know what your frustrated or upset looks like either, but I wouldn't assume you would just be violent irrationally towards someone who does not hurt you? Can it be imagined? yes. Is it the first thing you assume of a fellow human in 2026? NO. I mean, if you do, you have every right, just very odd.

For some reason you spend a lot of time on these cheating threads so I will bow to your knowledge on this one

So in the OP’s shoes, I would find it tricky and probably tell J

if this was J cheating on M… no, I would not tell M 🤷‍♀️

It’s not that it’s ‘normal’ in the sense of most men, but a significant proportion of men are abusive and much of this goes on behind closed doors without being obvious in public. Take the statistic, for example, that 1 in 4 women will be raped in their lifetime. I would absolutely think twice before telling a man I didn’t know well that his partner was cheating on him, whereas I wouldn’t have anywhere near the same level of concern about telling a woman, not because of ‘shoot the messenger’ but because of the potential risk to the woman.

I say this as someone who ‘cheated’ on a previous partner after that partner had raped me. Someone who thought he was ‘lovely’ did tell him and it hugely escalated the risk to me as I tried to get out of the relationship.

I’ve known a number of men who I know or have good reason to believe are nice and non-violent who find it hard to grasp that male violence against women is so widespread.

Wow. That is beautiful. One person deserves to know just because you are friendly with them, the other wouldn't because that is not the person you are personally friends with. That is... outstanding.

Nope

you have misunderstood.

i wouldn’t tell a man who I don’t know from Adam that his wife was cheating on him. Sorry @exhaustDAD that means I wouldn’t tell you but I would tell your wife!

I am very sorry you had to endure that level of hardship. Truly horrific.

He did it so publicly so I would send a text in the first instance saying so sorry to hear that you’ve split up from your hubby and then let the conversation unfold from there.

If I got sent something anonymously there would be the nagging doubt that it was malicious or made up.

@07.51@LostTheGoodScissorssays those exact words.

That is beautiful - selective righteousness based on the sex of people. There is a word for that.

Bloody hell @exhaustDAD just seen your posting history for starting threads.. you are obsessed with cheating. Weird. Very weird

Someone told my ex I was cheating on him ( I wasn’t) he beat me so badly he broke my jaw. So yes , people do get violent. I wish someone had shot that messenger.

Beautiful, I’ll take that! 😆

Sorry that should say ‘print’ screenshots.

Having read other posts.
I wouldn’t tell the husband you saw him as you’ll have no way of knowing if he tells his wife or not.

I wouldn’t tell anyone else that J knows as discussing it behind her back would be awful.

I would never say without proof as you have a risk of not being believed and that’s when she could turn against you (and make things difficult in the school mum friend group) ie shoot the messenger.
So I’d only say if you are sure you can tell it’s him from the videos.

How is very tricky. I think you’d need to find a time to be 1-2-1 with her not in a public place but it sounds like you don’t have the sort of friendship where you could suggest this without it appearing odd. I don’t envy you at all.

Oh I’m sorry
Are you ok now?